Peaceful, we have the same objectives for our difficult child's- stability, typical life, being able to live in the real world when they're grown, etc. I hadn't posted before because sometimes I just read a thread to see if I can get some ideas that will help or to prepare myself for what "stage" might be next for difficult child, but I know the exact situation is too different from ours for me to offer an opinion. Such was the case here. You have 2 parents and 2 children in your household-with difficult child being a female; we have 1 parent, 1 child here with difficult child being a male. Those are the major differences I see and I truly understand that the dynamics in our house are different from yours, and even if they were the same, all of us on this board have households that function a little differently from each other. I can't begin to know what it is like to live in your house. And I truly can't understand what it would be like to worry about one of my children hurting another one of my children.
That being said, I do know what it is like to worry about my son killing himself, doing something so outrageous that it resulted in his death or serious injury to someone else, doing something so erratic that he ended up locked up the rest of his life, burning our whole neighborhood down, etc. Trust me here, I know what worry is.
I think the difference is that where I see the responsibility that I want my difficult child to be able to live up to when he's grown, and I understand and have explained to him that this world will not change to accommodate his needs, insecurities, etc., as an adult- I also see where he is emotionally, mentally, and maturely right now. I don't see it as my obligation to make him meet the expectations I have of him as an adult right now. I see my obligation as helping him to bridge that gap between where he is now and where he should be as an adult. The Explosive Child and a couple of other books, along with people on this forum, and just some real soul-searching has left me feeling like this time on probation is probably his last at home and my last opportunity to get him help at home and I need to "pull" him over here as much as possible- not "push" him over there. I realize that I can't make every choice for him and I can't control this outcome. But I'll do the best that I can to keep him on a typical typical teen track because even if he slides backwards at some point (in all likelihood he will), the more days he lives a "typical" life, the more likelihood there is that he can regain his footing and be helped along the path that I hope he chooses, even if it's someone later on in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or psychiatric hospital that helps him.
I believe we have the same objective, we just see the path differently. What works for one might not work for another. Listening to what's going on with difficult child over a dinner out goes a long way with my difficult child- this might not work with yours- Know what I mean?? There are a lot of people on here with much more experience than me and I am learning from them, too. It's hard many times. The thread just left me with a vision that you were not only expecting your daughter to live up to ideal expectations of an adult, but ideal for a easy child adult, and it would be impossible for her to do that, given where she is emotionally/mentally/maturely right now. I didn't have the impression you were abusive, or neglectful, just really PO'd at her and consumed with that.
Sorry for being so opinionated-I'm not always right and blurt things out sometimes-