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<blockquote data-quote="DDD" data-source="post: 513028" data-attributes="member: 35"><p>I'm glad you found us and truly sorry you had to seek us out. There are alot of caring parents in our family and some (like Step) have had similar experiences. Welcome and I hope you get great support.</p><p></p><p>My input today won't sound warm and fuzzy but I assure you I am a caring person with too much experience as a wife, parent and grandparent. Based on that I am speaking frankly. First of all I believe you absolutely must insist that your husband step up to the plate. As a former military man he knows what "man up" means...and it's time for him to do that. It is not in the best interests of the children for him to wear Teflon and expect you to accept full responsibility. It also is not in the best interests of your marriage. He married a woman with mental illness. They gave life to children with a predisposition to mental illness. He mirepresented the problem to you. It doesn't matter that he has been traumatized. It doesn't matter if he is afraid to be accused of future wrong doing. It just flat out does <strong>not </strong>matter. For your sake and the sake of the children you've got to lay your "demands" (yeah, I know, it's a strong word) for <strong>shared <em>parenting </em></strong>on the table and be sure you are prepared to back them up. Think it thru thoroughly. Make a list and analyze it twice or three times. Then..be prepared to stand up for yourself and your children.</p><p></p><p>Secondly I believe from your post that you need to make totally sure that your baby is being raised in a safe functioning household. The early years are the most important years for foreseeing the future of every child. Your SD has been damaged and it likely will take many years to undo that damage that you did not cause or participate in. on the other hand, your baby is a blank canvas who is absorbing sights, voices, touches, just all environmental issues. If your husband doesn't "get that" then you may have to do even more serious thinking about alternative choices. by the way, if you feel that your baby is in any danger you must be super vigilant in your protective role.</p><p></p><p>My post is blunt. Over the years we have had many, many, many steps who have been emotionally abandoned by bioDads...many of whom had jobs that required alot of travel. All of them were truly good caring young women. Almost all professed their undying love for their husband's. My problem with that scene is that it is unfair, passively abusive and absolutely not in the best interests of the children. Your relationship will not change unless you force a change. The two of you as a sharing unit can provide love and safety for the children. For the sake of the family you have to insist on it.</p><p></p><p>Sending caring hugs your way. I hope my post doesn't offend you. It is exactly what I would say to one of my adult children in that situation...said with love. Hugs. DDD</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DDD, post: 513028, member: 35"] I'm glad you found us and truly sorry you had to seek us out. There are alot of caring parents in our family and some (like Step) have had similar experiences. Welcome and I hope you get great support. My input today won't sound warm and fuzzy but I assure you I am a caring person with too much experience as a wife, parent and grandparent. Based on that I am speaking frankly. First of all I believe you absolutely must insist that your husband step up to the plate. As a former military man he knows what "man up" means...and it's time for him to do that. It is not in the best interests of the children for him to wear Teflon and expect you to accept full responsibility. It also is not in the best interests of your marriage. He married a woman with mental illness. They gave life to children with a predisposition to mental illness. He mirepresented the problem to you. It doesn't matter that he has been traumatized. It doesn't matter if he is afraid to be accused of future wrong doing. It just flat out does [B]not [/B]matter. For your sake and the sake of the children you've got to lay your "demands" (yeah, I know, it's a strong word) for [B]shared [I]parenting [/I][/B]on the table and be sure you are prepared to back them up. Think it thru thoroughly. Make a list and analyze it twice or three times. Then..be prepared to stand up for yourself and your children. Secondly I believe from your post that you need to make totally sure that your baby is being raised in a safe functioning household. The early years are the most important years for foreseeing the future of every child. Your SD has been damaged and it likely will take many years to undo that damage that you did not cause or participate in. on the other hand, your baby is a blank canvas who is absorbing sights, voices, touches, just all environmental issues. If your husband doesn't "get that" then you may have to do even more serious thinking about alternative choices. by the way, if you feel that your baby is in any danger you must be super vigilant in your protective role. My post is blunt. Over the years we have had many, many, many steps who have been emotionally abandoned by bioDads...many of whom had jobs that required alot of travel. All of them were truly good caring young women. Almost all professed their undying love for their husband's. My problem with that scene is that it is unfair, passively abusive and absolutely not in the best interests of the children. Your relationship will not change unless you force a change. The two of you as a sharing unit can provide love and safety for the children. For the sake of the family you have to insist on it. Sending caring hugs your way. I hope my post doesn't offend you. It is exactly what I would say to one of my adult children in that situation...said with love. Hugs. DDD [/QUOTE]
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