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Post difficult child birthday melancholy update.........
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 567355" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you all for your responses. You all helped me, it's a calming salve to a hurting heart to have others who really understand.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child's birthday came and went. Now that I'm over here on the other side, I see that it sort of ended up being a positive for me since I saw how I am not on the roller coaster anymore, I still feel a tad sad at times, but I am not flying high and then dropping off a cliff each time there is a shift in her behavior. This is a much healthier response for me. </p><p></p><p>Yesterday she called and apologized for not responding to me about my invitation to her to come for dinner on her birthday..........still very different behavior from the person who has shown up many hours late or not at all for over a decade and not thought anything of it..........she has just not considered other people's feelings for a very long time. She told me she's had the flu since Monday. In the real world I would not think that a good excuse for not making a simple phone call to decline an offer. However, in my difficult child's world, where others have simply been props for her to rail against, <em>this is a major improvement! </em>She apologized a couple of times as I sat on the other end of the phone smiling.............thinking to myself, geez, she really is respecting all the boundaries I set up AND I am hanging onto neutrality (for the most part) HOWEVER she shows up. This may be as good as it gets! And, you know what? It's okay. </p><p></p><p>Last night I was thinking to myself, she has lost everything in her life in the last almost 13 years and remarkably she has managed to live for the last 3 years without her own home nor a job. She has used her wits and her odd belief structure and found a place for herself with minimal responsibility and very little overhead. Is it the life I want or even understand? No. But, she managed somehow. I guess for the first time I saw some positives, separate from what I would certainly judge as a pretty yucky existence, she has remained true to her own set of beliefs of freedom and comfort. The therapist told me the other night that what she saw is me having developed compassion for my difficult child, along with acceptance. Another group member pointed out that I am no longer angry either. I hadn't thought about that, but when I look back a little I can recall feeling mostly judgement, a lot of criticism, disdain and certainly much anger and resentment too. It's true, I don't feel any of that anymore. One of the group members said, "I guess compassion replaced judgment." I'm still mulling all of that over...............it makes me think of something I read about how circumstances can remain the same, however, if there is a slight perceptual shift, it feels as if everything dramatically changed............</p><p></p><p>As CJ mentioned, we have to "press on and find joy and meaning despite our difficulties," and last night, as my granddaughter was downstairs with her boyfriend playing Wii and laughing, SO and I upstairs watching a documentary....looking forward to getting the house ready for Christmas and realizing my difficult child is tucked away in her own odd little world, there is really a lot to be grateful for............putting my focus there is a good thing........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 567355, member: 13542"] Thank you all for your responses. You all helped me, it's a calming salve to a hurting heart to have others who really understand. My difficult child's birthday came and went. Now that I'm over here on the other side, I see that it sort of ended up being a positive for me since I saw how I am not on the roller coaster anymore, I still feel a tad sad at times, but I am not flying high and then dropping off a cliff each time there is a shift in her behavior. This is a much healthier response for me. Yesterday she called and apologized for not responding to me about my invitation to her to come for dinner on her birthday..........still very different behavior from the person who has shown up many hours late or not at all for over a decade and not thought anything of it..........she has just not considered other people's feelings for a very long time. She told me she's had the flu since Monday. In the real world I would not think that a good excuse for not making a simple phone call to decline an offer. However, in my difficult child's world, where others have simply been props for her to rail against, [I]this is a major improvement! [/I]She apologized a couple of times as I sat on the other end of the phone smiling.............thinking to myself, geez, she really is respecting all the boundaries I set up AND I am hanging onto neutrality (for the most part) HOWEVER she shows up. This may be as good as it gets! And, you know what? It's okay. Last night I was thinking to myself, she has lost everything in her life in the last almost 13 years and remarkably she has managed to live for the last 3 years without her own home nor a job. She has used her wits and her odd belief structure and found a place for herself with minimal responsibility and very little overhead. Is it the life I want or even understand? No. But, she managed somehow. I guess for the first time I saw some positives, separate from what I would certainly judge as a pretty yucky existence, she has remained true to her own set of beliefs of freedom and comfort. The therapist told me the other night that what she saw is me having developed compassion for my difficult child, along with acceptance. Another group member pointed out that I am no longer angry either. I hadn't thought about that, but when I look back a little I can recall feeling mostly judgement, a lot of criticism, disdain and certainly much anger and resentment too. It's true, I don't feel any of that anymore. One of the group members said, "I guess compassion replaced judgment." I'm still mulling all of that over...............it makes me think of something I read about how circumstances can remain the same, however, if there is a slight perceptual shift, it feels as if everything dramatically changed............ As CJ mentioned, we have to "press on and find joy and meaning despite our difficulties," and last night, as my granddaughter was downstairs with her boyfriend playing Wii and laughing, SO and I upstairs watching a documentary....looking forward to getting the house ready for Christmas and realizing my difficult child is tucked away in her own odd little world, there is really a lot to be grateful for............putting my focus there is a good thing........ [/QUOTE]
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