I was just reading Scent of Cedar's response to in In daze about after all our efforts with our difficult child's at some point we need to reclaim our own lives back............it was what today was about for me.
I awoke this morning with that all too familiar sense of 'something' that nameless feeling which creeps into my consciousness and desperately wants to overpower my good feelings, my joy, my sense of well being.............the thoughts of 'where is my daughter? is she okay? Have her choices led her to harm?'..........the endless possibilities of gloom and doom which befall my difficult child every single day.
I made plans with SO to drive to the coast for the day. I felt a little sad, but I've learned to put those aside for the most part since they surface daily.........it would be so easy to allow them to just envelop me, but I refuse to do it, I refuse to allow another's choices to dictate my moods, my health, my joy, my peace...........but oh what a vigil it is sometimes. Today of all days, that vigil took a lot of strength and power to push those thoughts from my brain............
We talked a little about her, the recent Facebook entries which are inappropriate..........her inability to see or love her own daughter, or me. A recent article we read which described Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how the profile fit my difficult child..........after that conversation came to an end, I made a conscious choice not to think about her anymore today, that was enough time spent brooding over someone and somethings I have no power to change.........
I started focusing on the beauty around me, the Redwood forest, the wildflowers on the ocean path we hiked along, the fog rolling in over the water.............and as is my experience most days, I can combat the powerlessness, or sadness, or disappointment by placing my focus in the present moment. Right here in this moment, it's all okay, no shoe has dropped out of the sky to ruin my day..........not today...........maybe it will never drop again ..........and it is becoming less and less of a good way to spend my time anyway, worrying about something which may never happen. And, if it rains shoes.......well, it's not like I don't know how to deal with challenges.........
It's kind of like a muscle I am developing, one which had become atrophied, the one which powers my own life.....not the life of my daughter. That muscle has gotten stronger this last year and a half, I can use it to switch over to a different focus a lot easier now.............and appreciate the rich landscape of laughter, love, promise, balance and peace. So many years spent parenting so many others...............as Witz said, 'my parenting (difficult child) has come to an end."
My granddaughter gave me an orchid today with a note which said, "thank you for always being there when I needed you most." That's where my focus needs to be. And on SO. On our retirement plans. On our travel plans. On our daily adventures and laughter. On what we're having for dinner............all the places I have not only power to choose but the power to choose to be happy.........misery is certainly optional.
Today is the last Mother's Day which I will spend feeling weird. From now on, Mother's day will mean focusing on what it is that makes me happy and brings me joy.............my mother and my daughter made their choices, I am making mine.........I choose life...........I choose joy.............I choose peace.............What do you choose?
I awoke this morning with that all too familiar sense of 'something' that nameless feeling which creeps into my consciousness and desperately wants to overpower my good feelings, my joy, my sense of well being.............the thoughts of 'where is my daughter? is she okay? Have her choices led her to harm?'..........the endless possibilities of gloom and doom which befall my difficult child every single day.
I made plans with SO to drive to the coast for the day. I felt a little sad, but I've learned to put those aside for the most part since they surface daily.........it would be so easy to allow them to just envelop me, but I refuse to do it, I refuse to allow another's choices to dictate my moods, my health, my joy, my peace...........but oh what a vigil it is sometimes. Today of all days, that vigil took a lot of strength and power to push those thoughts from my brain............
We talked a little about her, the recent Facebook entries which are inappropriate..........her inability to see or love her own daughter, or me. A recent article we read which described Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how the profile fit my difficult child..........after that conversation came to an end, I made a conscious choice not to think about her anymore today, that was enough time spent brooding over someone and somethings I have no power to change.........
I started focusing on the beauty around me, the Redwood forest, the wildflowers on the ocean path we hiked along, the fog rolling in over the water.............and as is my experience most days, I can combat the powerlessness, or sadness, or disappointment by placing my focus in the present moment. Right here in this moment, it's all okay, no shoe has dropped out of the sky to ruin my day..........not today...........maybe it will never drop again ..........and it is becoming less and less of a good way to spend my time anyway, worrying about something which may never happen. And, if it rains shoes.......well, it's not like I don't know how to deal with challenges.........
It's kind of like a muscle I am developing, one which had become atrophied, the one which powers my own life.....not the life of my daughter. That muscle has gotten stronger this last year and a half, I can use it to switch over to a different focus a lot easier now.............and appreciate the rich landscape of laughter, love, promise, balance and peace. So many years spent parenting so many others...............as Witz said, 'my parenting (difficult child) has come to an end."
My granddaughter gave me an orchid today with a note which said, "thank you for always being there when I needed you most." That's where my focus needs to be. And on SO. On our retirement plans. On our travel plans. On our daily adventures and laughter. On what we're having for dinner............all the places I have not only power to choose but the power to choose to be happy.........misery is certainly optional.
Today is the last Mother's Day which I will spend feeling weird. From now on, Mother's day will mean focusing on what it is that makes me happy and brings me joy.............my mother and my daughter made their choices, I am making mine.........I choose life...........I choose joy.............I choose peace.............What do you choose?