Hi everyone thanks so much for your replies. You're advice and suggestions are much appreciated. Its so good to talk to other people who can empathize with my situation. First of all I should say that I stumbled across this site from researching ODD/ Conduct Disorder. I am all the way from Dublin, Ireland and there really doesnt seem to be any type of similar support group or site at all for my area so sorry for gate-crashing and I do apologise for not understanding all the lingo as of yet (difficult child??). Nobody I have spoken to here (i.e. friends and family) have ever heard of ODD and when I do try to explain it, I feel like I am being judged, as if I am just putting fancy names on things to make excuses for being a bad mother! Sounds pretty backward but that's how things are here.
My daughter started showing signs of being difficult from the age of about 2. I presumed she was just going through the terrible twos but obviously when her difficult behaviour continued I realised this wasnt the case. When at age 3 she absolutely refused to wear clothes I tried to dress her in I just thought she was head strong and independent.
As I worked full time up until last year (I now work part time), her paternal grandparents were especially involved in her upbringing. They would often offer unsolicited advice and I felt like I was constantly being judged by them. In retrospect I regret allowing them to have so much involvement with my child and dictate how I should do things. My daughter has developed a bond with them and does love them very much, now if she doesnt get want she wants, she will manipulate us all against each other and try to get it from one of her grandparents instead. Despite my numerous requests they continue to spoil her. She has a full wardrobe of clothes and shoes that she doesnt even wear. They may as well be burning their money. I have become very accustomed to hearing I wish my granny was my mom, I love her more than you and Granny loves me more, she buys all my things.
Although over the years her difficult behaviour at home and with relatives has progressed, her behaviour in school has not been a problem. Academically she has learning difficulties and gets extra help with spelling and maths but behaviourally she has been fine. She has a good group of friends and apart from being a bit bossy and intense at times she seems to get on ok with them. Also over the years she seemed to go through phases of being ok and acting up but since last year her uncontrollable behaviour has been constant and has become a lot more aggressive and violent.
Last July my partner at the time (we have since split) went on a week long holiday. It was my first holiday in about 7 years. On the fourth day I got a phone call to say that she had been taken into hospital. That she had had a tantrum while staying in my mothers house that had began over something trivial but her tantrum became completely out of hand. She flew into a rage and started to destroy the house, she even went to the kitchen drawer and took out a knife and threatened my family. My sister dialled 999 and ambulance came. On receiving the phone call myself and my partner arranged an early flight home. Altogether she was hospitalised for 4 days She was in a terrible state when I arrived at the hospital. She was roaring and shouting and was very resentful that she had been taken into the hospital. While there she developed a tic disorder. She started blinking constantly and clearing her throat every few minutes. We were discharged on the fourth day with a referral to a local Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinic where she has been attending ever since. The tics that she developed in the hospital subsided about a week after she was discharged. As part of her attendance at the clinic she was made attend the YPU (Young Persons Unit) twice a week where they partook in activities like drama therapy, cookery and the Volcano in my Tummy programme focusing on anger. After 10 weeks I was called in for a review and was told that her case was complex and that her problems were a mixture of nature and nurture, that there is not one label they could diagnose her with. Also because of her good behaviour in school I was told this is not a neurotic child, an appointment was made with a Neurologist for an EEG and the results came back normal. This is the only appointment she has had with a Neurologist.
The clinic have decided to concentrate on family therapy between me and her father and eventually between me and her grandparents as they believe if she sees us getting on that it will affect her behaviour positively. Also she continues to see the Psychiatrist once weekly at the clinic but she refuses to talk to him so we have got nowhere with this as of yet. In fact it is an absolute nightmare trying to get her there. She has harmed me physically while I have been driving on the way there (full force thump on the back of my head, causing me to swerve off the road) and when she does get there she absolutely screams the place down. She is like a two year old having a huge tantrum. I no longer get embarrassed by the incredulous stares we get (well, maybe a little bit J). Her Psychiatrist did prescribe Risperdal but she refused point blank to take it so she has received no medication as of yet. The Psychiatrist could not seem to offer me any alternative when I said that she refused to take the medications. Also since this she has become paranoid that I am putting tablets in her food and even in her bed. She has an atrocious appetite and eats very little. All she will eat is plain white bread or plain boiled rice and sometimes cereal. She has undergone blood tests (but not allergy tests) that all came back normal and miraculously she is not underweight.
Last week I arrived at the clinic in tears saying that it couldnt cope any more. I explained how a friend has taken her child to another Psychiatrist had paid 400 and had got a diagnosis with an hour and that I had been attending since July and still no diagnosis. I said I find this so hard to believe as she is definitely ODD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) he said yes your right shes definitely ODD. This was the first time anyone at that clinic has even acknowledged this. They seem so reluctant to put a label on any child there so I still being told shes very complex which really doesnt help me at all and I feel like I am in limbo. They have however acknowledged that she suffers from some sensory problems with touch, taste and smell and she has seen an Occupational Therapist on a few occasions but this has had no notable results as of yet.
She also shows Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) behaviours and has certain rituals she must perform. For example if I am going out of a door and close it, she gets up and closes it again after me. She must be the one to close the door. Also she reacts very badly to any type of positive comments . For instance if I say she is being a very good girl she will shout back at me NO! say no! and I will have to say no to almost erase the comment from her mind. She will do this over a lot of things if I say something she doesnt like. She spends half her days saying NO! say no!. She also roars and grunts and makes strange noises a lot (almost dog-like noises) and will even do this sometimes when she is in her room on her own or even while sitting watching television. Its almost like her anger is seeping out of her and she has no control over it. Every morning is a battle getting her to school. She refuses to brush her hair, wash, brush her teeth, eat any breakfast. If I ask her do something she most certainly wont do it and there is more of a chance of her doing it if she comes up with the idea herself. She despises the smell of my toothpaste so much that if she gets the smell into her mouth she starts spitting all over the floor and screaming at me. Every conversation must be on her terms and I have learned that sometimes it is better not to speak to her unless she speaks to me first as almost everything I say or do it the wrong thing. She seems to want to control everything and everyone around her. She will shout and scream at me to turn down the TV if I am watching it, yet when she is watching it she has it on a very high volume and will refuse turn it down. The other day I went to make some tea and she starting sceaming at me to turn down the kettle. I really dont know if she has auditory sensory problems or if this is part of her control issues. I mean if she has auditory sensory problems would she be able to listen to the TV at such a loud volume? If I turn off the television due to her disobedience a two hour rage will ensue which I feel is just not worth it.. but then am I letting her win? I have been told not to get into a control battle with her as she will always win but then what do I do? Let her away with everything? And on the other hand I am being told she needs discipline and structure
but it really is not like disciplining any other child. No matter how much I learn from Supernanny, how many time outs or reward charts I try, it doesnt work!! She just doesnt care. She acts like she hates me with a vengeance and she seems to want to punish me all the time. I know I have made mistakes in how I have dealt with her behaviour in the past but now that I have a bit more of an understanding about things and want to change it and make it better, she wont let me even get a look in. She wont be helped. Its soul destroying and heart breaking. She hasnt let me hug her in years. If I touch off her accidentally she will push me away with hatred in her eyes. She will demand things a lot but as soon as she gets want she wants she will demand something else. Nothing seems to appease her.
So this is where I am at the moment, trying to survive by taking each day at a time, with no formal diagnosis, just a Psychiatrist who casually agreed that yes, she does have ODD but shes very complex. I have nothing on paper.. I dont know where to go or what to next.
Wow, I wasnt expecting to write this much. I apologise for the rant! Even typing it out is a release