Michelle, I don't think you are being unreasonable about wanting to control the time spent etc to some extent. I also agree that if it is making his behaviour worse then you must do something. But with husband undermining you, I'm concerned you're fighting a potentially losing battle. Also in my experience, most computer games can actually help especially with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids (in moderation and as long as the specific games aren't destructive or damaging).
You do have a few cards up your sleeve, though. I think you need to change tack. Have you been using any "Explosive Child" methods at all? What level of success? Because if you have found any success there, this next suggestion has a chance of working. But it relies on an agreement which is entirely between you and difficult child, husband is NOT in the picture.
What you need to do is sit with difficult child and discuss the situation (to the best of difficult child's ability, and I know it's not great). You say, "I know you like gaming. Can you tell me what it is you like about it?"
Continue with, "Is there anything you don't like so much about it at any time? Anything you find difficult, or frustrating?"
Keep the communication calm, detached, at a conversational level. You're sharing opinions together. Listen to his responses and give feedback.
You then share, "One thing I find difficult - I find that sometimes you seem to be edgy, a bit more anxious and irritable. It worries me and it also makes it difficult for me to get you through your evening routine. There are some tasks that must be done in the evening, such as having dinner, having a bath, getting ready for bed. Part of that is also getting your mind quiet and a tense game interferes with that. What do you think we could do to help fix this problem?"
Listen to him, see what ideas he can come up with. And if he can't come up with any that can help, here are a few that have worked for us, which were compromises worked out with our boys for exactly this kind of reason.
1) Limit the hours in which games can be freely played. You need to both agree on set times, you shouldn't try to impose (because you need difficult child on side since husband is not). I found, though, that difficult children in general had a greatly under-exaggerated idea of how much time they spend gaming. I asked difficult child 1 to tell me how many hours a day maximum I should let him play and he of course named what HE thought was a ridiculously high number of hours - and it was actually less than reality, also less than I was prepared to concede! So when we stuck to the new limit, it really shocked him because it made him realise there WAS a problem, while all my repeatedly telling him this had not.
Example: Allow games in the morning once he is completely ready for school (holidays -once he is breakfasted and dressed). Evenings - games should stop at 6 pm so evening routine can continue without problem. Alternatively, if he can prove that he can put down a game to do the next task, then he may continue gaming as long as he complies with requests.
2) Limit the type of games he plays. Some games may get him more worked up than others. Ask him if there are any games which he feels could be a problem. For now, don't ban those completely, just ask him to stop playing those in the evenings for a while, to see if there is any change. Maybe in a few months he can go back to playing them later. Sometimes there isn't always a logical reason for one game being OK and another not.
3) Allow the PSP, but after a certain time of day only allow the quieter, contemplative games, the ones which are partly educational anyway. They can help him in his evening wind-down.
But whatever you do - you and difficult child need to agree that first there is a problem, and second, it can be dealt with by this agreement.
An advantage of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is their preference for routine and rules. Especially if they have a part in helping set up those rules. This way, you may find that if husband tries to be the good-time fun Dad and encourage him to play PSP when he shouldn't, that difficult child himself will self-monitor and take more control.
Other issues - especially in the evenings, you need to give difficult child time warnings to stop play (or pause play) because sometimes he will need this to get to a logical break when he CAN put the thing down to do what you need him to.
Also, if this works out then have another meeting with difficult child to congratulate him on improvements. If it doesn't work out, have another meeting with difficult child to see how he feels things are going and see if he has become more aware of the concerns.
Engage him. Enlist him as an ally in the battle against disorganisation and distraction. If you and difficult child clash over his behaviour, maybe when he is calm find out what game he was playing. Make a quiet note, see if you can notice a pattern. At your next meeting, run your list of good games, bad games past difficult child and see if he can explain what makes them good or bad.
He should know that he doesn't have to permanently give up all his games, or any of them. But he may need to change his play patterns at least for a while, until he has better control of his behaviour.
And if he insists he has perfect control of his behaviour, ask him to prove this by trying things out, and by some level of compliance.
Here is one BIG advantage of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). You might have to say to husband at some point, "difficult child & I are doing this without you because I also want him to be able to play his PSP, and neither difficult child nor I want him to be rude or disruptive."
Because this has been such a big issue for our family I talked to difficult child 3 (now 14 years old and VERY much Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)!) and asked him what you could say to your son.
"Games should come second to everything else. Games will always be there, but bath, dinner and other things sometimes need to be done NOW. Maybe the reason he doesn't want to put the game down is because he thinks at some level that it could be the last he'll see of it that night. If he hasn't been gaming for long in his life yet, then maybe he doesn't understand that there are times when he will need to stop and do other stuff. The PSP has a 'hold' feature on it, doesn't it? Then he can click that feature on so he can come away from his game and do what he needs to do."
difficult child 3 also added, "Please be aware that he might temporarily forget your agreements form time to time, so you need to plan ahead, both of you, to be able to remind him without him getting angry."
difficult child 3 said that if he thinks of anything else he will tell me later.
Marg
