Yes, it's a great comfort when there's at least one kid that turns out OK. But... even if that didn't happen? chances are still fairly high that something else is at work, not just our parenting.
Questioning self
- Thread starter Seeking Peace
- Start date
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Sp, it is all a game and we are unwitting players in this. The game, for our d cs is to keep us wrapped up tight in their lives and in their drama.
The biggest chip they have, is the guilt chip. It keeps us dazed and confused, wondering why, and trying to help.
It keeps us feeling sorry for the conditions our d cs have got themselves into, as a consequence of their choices. There is no use arguing this, with a d c, in the throes of drug use, or mental illness, the risky behaviors, and the results of those.
Couch surfing, eventually burning all of their bridges.
I think it was COM who likened us as parents to a spoke in a bicycle rim, we are just one spoke, they use us up and move on to the next and the next, until they have gone through all of the spokes, and end up back at us.
This is no way to live, we all know this.
I went back to your July post, to get a better feel for this. I have had my two come in and out of my house for years. it has been a nightmare. What I began to see was patterning. My response, to their latest "emergency" they would move in, start out okay, then everything would go to
and a hand basket. As I would talk with my two, lay down the rules again, the guilt chip would come down, slap. It took awhile for me to see the manipulation and the nature of the beast. That I was being dragged down with them, my home, my son. It made no sense.Here, I had three other children who did quite well, these two, using drugs using us, were getting all of the attention. It was so very, very unbalanced.
The guilt chip. Our d cs are incredibly intuitive and smart, they know just how to play us.
This is good SP, but she knows you do, that is why she keeps at it, she knows how to get to you.
This is from your July post, SP.
You are seeing things, you know what is going on.
I read an article about changing habits, and patterns, part of the process is thinking about it, then taking small steps to work towards the goal, you have done the hard work. Now, you have hit another area towards the goal that is difficult.
The thought of your daughter being homeless, is making this difficult, especially now when it is cold, during the holidays.
There are places out there, that she can avail herself of. If she does have issues with mental illness, she needs help and medication, but she has to be willing to get the help she needs.
These are all issues out of your control, she is an adult.
This is unfair, SP, she has made you uncomfortable even in your town? I would think, with all of the bridges she has burned, these people realize there is no weight to her words.
This is called cycling, spinning. Saying and feeling the same things over and over. But you know SP? It will change, when you begin to see it for what it is, and want change.
I would say, one of the biggest eye openers for me, was seeing my 14 year old, on my bed, curled up in a fetal position sobbing, after the ugly, dramatic exodus of my Tornado and the grands. It took all of my focus off of them, and I zeroed in on this lovely, bright, sensitive young man, who was going through all of this crazy, his entire life. He doesn't deserve to have it all up in his face. In his home. I began to realize, that if I didn't change my patterns, my responses, my guilt and subsequent cycling, I would lose my son, too.
SP, when I start to go into thinking about my two, my grands, I focus on my son, and his right to live peaceably. Then, I say a quick prayer, I gave them over to God, it is really too much for me to handle.
You have done the hard work in having your d c leave.
Stay strong, and stay the course. It is hard, but you can do this.
Build up your "toolbox", collect "tools" that will help you stop repeating and spinning. Find something that helps you, a hobby, working out, meetings. Your therapist must have resources you can check out, to build yourself up.
How about your son? I ended up taking my boy to counseling, I wanted him to be able to talk out his feelings confidentially.
You can do this SP, you are doing this. We all need a little help here and there. This is one of the most difficult things known to man.
Keep on keeping on, you are not alone. Most of us have been exactly where you are at. You will be okay.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
Those that mention that their Difficult Child reminds them if their difficult spouse...that is exactly what I have been fearing for my DGD (Difficult Child). She has the same mannerisms as her biomom, the same thought process, and even looks like a mini me of her mom. When she likes something, she is over the top... It's GORGEOUS! It's FANTABULOUS! The excuses she comes up with... I heard them 17 years ago from her biomom. Her outfits are usually over the top or slutty. She never just feels bad... It is the worst migraine ever!! She was with her mom for 5 years, then a year of foster care, then a year with us. Then adoption. I thought we would raise her with morals, character, purpose... And I wonder if things would be the same, or worse, if they were never removed from parents? I don't know whether to be disappointed in her... Or me... I sure didn't think it would be like this. KSM
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Lil
Well-Known Member
It never ceases to amaze me that mine is, in fact, my own flesh and blood. WHY exactly did MY 50% of his genetic material seemingly count for nothing???
I told the girlfriend when she asked why he was SO different from us that, sadly, genetics seem to be much more powerful than I gave them credit for, but it's still darn frustrating that the only parent he seems to resemble is biodad. I suppose that's not 100% true. He's MUCH brighter than his biodad was. Not bragging, but he didn't get his brains from that parent...the man once argued with me that if you watch cartoons on a black and white TV, you'll still see them in color.
It would be nice to have a second child. It would be nice to see that I did something right. You can safely assume, when you look at your wonderful "good kids" that YOU are NOT the one that caused the Difficult Child troubles.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Childofmine
one day at a time
You people rock! I love this thread.
So.....taking it all in....it seems that we get:
guilty/sad/scared/crazy/thinkingtoomuch/feelingtoomuch/wantingtofix/confused/upset/griefstricken...
in other words, all twisted up...
when we see them.
And especially when they come to our houses.
And especially when they spend some time/a lot of time at our houses.
So let's guard ourselves against this. Let's be very very careful when we begin any interaction with these people-who-we-love-so-much-that-we-give-our-power-away.
Let's THINK before we let them in again. Instead, we can say, when they show up/call/text/message:
1. I'm sorry, we can't do this today. Let's go out for lunch/breakfast/dinner/snack right now (get them out of our house and onto neutral turf with a defined ending of time together).
2. Let the call go to VM. Call back on OUR TIMELINE.
3. Schedule visits as we want to, i.e., once a week, once every two weeks, once every three weeks, etc., i.e., Honey let's get together for lunch in two weeks on Friday at noon at wherever.
4. Say I don't want to text about this. If you want to call me tomorrow about 10 a.m. we can talk about it then. And then don't text back.
5. Etc. You get the picture.
6. This way, we don't have to know all of the details, hear it all, the ins and outs, and then get engaged! I don't want to know about his rent, his landlord, his car gas, his commute to work, his lack of insurance, how mad he is because he can't get a doctor appointment today, his side hurts....blah blah blah. I don't want to know. I really don't.
After my latest with Difficult Child, I am all about this. I have been relishing my own peace for the past 8 days of no interaction with him. It has been GREAT!
I want peace. I want to love him. I want to accept him. I don't want my stomach in a knot.
The way to get all of that, for me, is lots of boundaries. Me deciding where, when, how and for how long.
So.....taking it all in....it seems that we get:
guilty/sad/scared/crazy/thinkingtoomuch/feelingtoomuch/wantingtofix/confused/upset/griefstricken...
in other words, all twisted up...
when we see them.
And especially when they come to our houses.
And especially when they spend some time/a lot of time at our houses.
So let's guard ourselves against this. Let's be very very careful when we begin any interaction with these people-who-we-love-so-much-that-we-give-our-power-away.
Let's THINK before we let them in again. Instead, we can say, when they show up/call/text/message:
1. I'm sorry, we can't do this today. Let's go out for lunch/breakfast/dinner/snack right now (get them out of our house and onto neutral turf with a defined ending of time together).
2. Let the call go to VM. Call back on OUR TIMELINE.
3. Schedule visits as we want to, i.e., once a week, once every two weeks, once every three weeks, etc., i.e., Honey let's get together for lunch in two weeks on Friday at noon at wherever.
4. Say I don't want to text about this. If you want to call me tomorrow about 10 a.m. we can talk about it then. And then don't text back.
5. Etc. You get the picture.
6. This way, we don't have to know all of the details, hear it all, the ins and outs, and then get engaged! I don't want to know about his rent, his landlord, his car gas, his commute to work, his lack of insurance, how mad he is because he can't get a doctor appointment today, his side hurts....blah blah blah. I don't want to know. I really don't.
After my latest with Difficult Child, I am all about this. I have been relishing my own peace for the past 8 days of no interaction with him. It has been GREAT!
I want peace. I want to love him. I want to accept him. I don't want my stomach in a knot.
The way to get all of that, for me, is lots of boundaries. Me deciding where, when, how and for how long.
wakeupcall
Well-Known Member
I only see my Difficult Child about once a month; he only lives ten miles from me. His father (my ex) makes me feel very guilty. Even Difficult Child makes me feel guilty. But it's hard to juggle Difficult Child's attitude and the attitude of my husband (they clearly don't like each other).
I really wish none of us had to go through this....
I really wish none of us had to go through this....
Seeking Peace
Member
Off topic, but curious as to how you clip just sections to add to your post?
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi SP, highlight the section you want to add, underneath the section you will see "quote" then the top of the screen will say "added to multi quote". When you are done adding the sections
( you can add several at a time) make sure you click in the reply box.
On the lower left hand corner it will say insert quotes click on that and the quote box will appear, click on the add quotes. The quotes will appear in between brackets.
Reply outside of the [\QUOTE] area or your reply will be in the purple quote box. I am at work on my phone so a few of the words may be off. Holler if you need more help. Ohhhhh if you press the "more options" tab on the lower right, you can preview your post before posting. This way you can play around a bit too......
leafy
( you can add several at a time) make sure you click in the reply box.
On the lower left hand corner it will say insert quotes click on that and the quote box will appear, click on the add quotes. The quotes will appear in between brackets.
Reply outside of the [\QUOTE] area or your reply will be in the purple quote box. I am at work on my phone so a few of the words may be off. Holler if you need more help. Ohhhhh if you press the "more options" tab on the lower right, you can preview your post before posting. This way you can play around a bit too......
leafy
Seeking Peace
Member
And how do you go back and just read what the same person wrote months ago? Do you have to scroll all the way through or can you just search for all that person's posts by name?
Seeking Peace
Member
When I go on people's page, I don't see any threads. Maybe I'm missing something
Click on a person's name below their avatar, to the left of a thread. A pop-up comes up. One of the options has to do with "profile". Choose that, and you are taken to a new page. From there you will find different tabs - such as recent activity, and posts...
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Some members profile pages do not display threads, I think it is a privacy setting?
Click on the members name, then "profile page" the third tab in the box says "postings" all of their postings will appear sequentially.
If you just want to view threads the member has initiated, go to the bottom of the posting box, click on "Find all threads by......" the threads should come up on the page.
You can also message someone if you have a question. The top right hand corner has your name, "inbox" then "alerts." If you click on inbox, you can private message members. Just put the members name in and a title in the title box and write in the reply box. Good luck as you navigate the site!
Click on the members name, then "profile page" the third tab in the box says "postings" all of their postings will appear sequentially.
If you just want to view threads the member has initiated, go to the bottom of the posting box, click on "Find all threads by......" the threads should come up on the page.
You can also message someone if you have a question. The top right hand corner has your name, "inbox" then "alerts." If you click on inbox, you can private message members. Just put the members name in and a title in the title box and write in the reply box. Good luck as you navigate the site!
