Radical acceptance - a brief update

[recoveringenabler]

I'm glad it went well Lucy. And, that you are feeling much better.

Can't believe how far I've come with this radical acceptance, and what a difference it's made to my life, my state of mind, and my relationship with my son.

That's wonderful, I'm happy to hear this.........it takes us awhile to learn that there is much life after gfgdom. Good job Lucy!

 

[Childofmine]

So...Lucy. You are my role model. I loved your post and how you are handling everything. You are showing me what to do next.

We had a peaceful chat for a while, about ordinary things, and then he started to get worked up about social injustice and big business and the corrupting effect of money etc. Tiring. I agreed in a half-hearted way and said "mmm" and "yes I read about that" and "oh dear" at relevant intervals.

This is how I want to be with difficult child. Periodic phone conversations, a "peaceful chat"...about "ordinary things"....and even when he "gets worked up"...about whatever, to just say mmm, and yes I read about that, and oh dear at relevant intervals.

I don't want to "go there" regardless of what he says or does.

Last night SO and I went out to dinner. He said he had called his old AA sponsor and they caught up. He has talked with his sponsor about difficult child multiple times. He did so again, yesterday.

The sponsor had this and that to say, but as SO and I talked, I began thinking hard again about difficult child and his life. I "went there" in my head and again at 4:15 a.m. this morning.

SO and I talked again this morning and I had to go through it all again.

I told SO: So, THIS is what it is to be, it appears, and I have two tracks I'm on. One---the logical track with all I have learned---I can't do anything to change his life, he has to be the catalyst for change, he has to do one thing different, I have to take care of myself, I have to accept what is.....

Two---the emotional track of his mother---looking at his life, it looks like a complete waste to me. I know, I know, people are different and they have a right to live their own lives, however they see fit, but wow, who would ever have thought? I went through it all with SO again---okay so addicts have to hit a bottom---where in the world is HIS Bottom? Can't he surely have hit it already? He is headed back to jail, sure as I am sitting here.

SO's sponsor said it's the 8-16-32 rule. I had never heard that. Here is what it is: If, after getting out of jail, they don't have a place to live within 8 days and a job within 16 days, then they'll be back in jail within 32 days.

Wow. That is so freakin' true, in my experience. So....

And the sponsor said: He's "not done cookin' yet."

We talked about especially in the summer, when it's not so cold outside, and he can eat three times a day, and just hang out, that is not the time someone is going to hit a new bottom.

The emotional part is my sadness that my own son and I have almost no common ground on which to stand. We love each other, but we are as different as, whatever, I can't even think of a good analogy to describe how different our outlooks are. It's like we are talking a completely different language.

So....I'm working here again, to lean in a little further into acceptance.

I'm not even scared or worried this time, not hearing from him since Saturday. I don't know why that is. I am mad today, mad at the disease and the bewildering nature of it, and everything that comes with it.

I am sad, sad that we have no relationship, really. I want to have that nice chat on the phone, sometime, but I have to surely be in the right frame of mind for it, and today wouldn't be the day.

I told SO, we are moving toward a point where we talk maybe once every six months by phone for a short time, because that is all I can do or want to do.

And I also told SO, if I can see, from his perspective, even if I don't understand it, that he is happy, and he is okay with this life, then somehow that would help.

Anyway, I ramble, Lucy and I don't mean to hijack your thread, but it's just another day in the life that we are all living...

He said a couple of photos had been e-mailed, taken when I visited the squat last month. I had a look. They're really happy-looking! Can't believe how far I've come with this radical acceptance, and what a difference it's made to my life, my state of mind, and my relationship with my son.

I am so glad for you. I hear your peace. I hope it continues, and Lucy, please keep teaching me how to do this. Warm hugs to you, you English wonder.

 

[nlj]

We talked about especially in the summer, when it's not so cold outside, and he can eat three times a day, and just hang out, that is not the time someone is going to hit a new bottom.

This is true COM, and true for my son too. Last winter I wasn't in my 'radical acceptance' place, I was in my 'emotional mother' place, worrying constantly, thinking that he must die from living rough with no heating or anything in the middle of winter. But he survived, somehow. In the photos the sun is shining. It wouldn't look the same if it was cold and raining.

The emotional part is my sadness that my own son and I have almost no common ground on which to stand.

You can love each other just the same with no common ground on which to stand. My son and I are worlds apart. I can enter his world for short periods and embrace the difference. I don't really think that it's an acceptable way to live, but for him it is. My world is not an acceptable place for him I know. He can't live in my world. I'm not sad about this any more. We're different. That's fine. It's interesting. One of my children is an angry, smelly hippy who lives in a forest in a derelict farmhouse with no job, no money, no bathroom and no decent clothes. I can say it. I'm not jealous of mothers with sons who have well-paid jobs, live in houses and drive fast cars. I love my son and accept him for who he is and I'm proud of him.

And I also told SO, if I can see, from his perspective, even if I don't understand it, that he is happy, and he is okay with this life, then somehow that would help.

Yes of course this helps. Even if I don't always believe him when he tell me he's ok, happy, chillin', I believe him most of the time and I try not to think about the future. We're happy now. I've stopped worrying about what might be.
What's your son's response when you ask him if he's happy?

H and I don't discuss my son, we don't make him a topic of conversation. It is what it is. Talking about it doesn't change anything, it just keeps me awake at night. So he's often in my thoughts, but in a 'background music' kind of way, he's not thumping at the front of my brain just behind my eyes any more.

I don't know how I actually got here, in this peaceful accepting place. I've just absorbed all the advice and help and support that I've read here since I joined this site. It's saved my life. That message that I can't change it and I have to look after myself has led to this. A happier me, and a happier him, and a manageable relationship that can make us smile instead of cry.

 

[Echolette]

I don't know how I actually got here, in this peaceful accepting place. I've just absorbed all the advice and help and support that I've read here since I joined this site. It's saved my life. That message that I can't change it and I have to look after myself has led to this. A happier me, and a happier him, and a manageable relationship that can make us smile instead of cry.

this makes me feel very content for you, Lucy. I am glad you are in such a healthy place, and glad too that we as a group were part of that. Your calm voice is helpful to all of us (not that you are under any obligation to remain calm for us, don't feel that!)

I am happy that your relationship with your son is better for both of you.

Hugs,

Echo

 

[recoveringenabler]

You can love each other just the same with no common ground on which to stand. My son and I are worlds apart. I can enter his world for short periods and embrace the difference. I don't really think that it's an acceptable way to live, but for him it is. My world is not an acceptable place for him I know. He can't live in my world. I'm not sad about this any more. We're different. That's fine. It's interesting. One of my children is an angry, smelly hippy who lives in a forest in a derelict farmhouse with no job, no money, no bathroom and no decent clothes. I can say it. I'm not jealous of mothers with sons who have well-paid jobs, live in houses and drive fast cars. I love my son and accept him for who he is and I'm proud of him.

This is beautifully stated Lucy, thank you for that clarity. I think that is a crucial statement for us. It speaks to acceptance and takes the judgement out of it. I have to stay in that zone myself in order for peace to reign. Some of our kids are way out on those ledges where angels fear to tread, so far out in some cases as to be unrecognizable by the rest of us. However, once they stop negatively impacting our lives, manipulating us, abusing us, in any way disrespecting us, then our boundaries hold strong and we're left with acceptance of what is. Acceptance of who they have become. Seems we're all happier when we can find that place.

I can't change it and I have to look after myself has led to this. A happier me, and a happier him, and a manageable relationship that can make us smile instead of cry.

I love this Lucy, thank you. Very well said. I am so happy that you've arrived there. Hugs to you for moving through it all and finding serenity and joy.

 

[Albatross]

I can enter his world for short periods and embrace the difference. I don't really think that it's an acceptable way to live, but for him it is. My world is not an acceptable place for him I know. He can't live in my world. I'm not sad about this any more. We're different. That's fine. It's interesting.

That is exactly what I picture when I visualize peaceful times with my son. Thank you so much for that.