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Ramping up to the teen yrs and police intervention
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 461661" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I think difficult child not going was maybe the best thing you could have had happen. I have found that most docs do not fully grasp what is on the notes/history in the chart. Some don't even read it, but most skim and don't really comprehend that we are not being dramatic when we say what our child has done. There were many times that I insisted the doctor speak to me alone before he spoke to Wiz. It seemed to help - don't forget that you CAN insist on this even if difficult child is there.</p><p></p><p>As for the not letting you call for help, blocking you, etc... the doctor is totally right and your husband totally wrong. It IS violence. It is one of the issues I have with gfgbro, one of the reasons I gave when I cut all contact - he might not hit but he would hold me in place (or husband or the kids) and rant and rave and scream in our faces. The last time he held the car door so husband couldn't drive away - husband had already just agreed with him to get away, and had to block bro so the kids could escape the house, but bro got hold of the car door and wouldn't let it shut so if husband drove away he would literally drive over bro. I was told, over and over and over on a phone message, that I didn't understand what violence is, that he had been to three rounds of the therapy for abusers and he knew he wasn't abusive or violent to me and that he had a right to say whatever he wanted as often as he wanted in whatever way he wanted (leaving bruises on husband's chest as he poked him with a finger while he insisted he wasn't violent - gee, that isn't abusive?) and we HAD to listen because otherwise WE were being violent by denying his rights.</p><p></p><p>It is illegal to not let someone call for help. in my opinion the next time your difficult child blocks you or shoulder checks you, or in ANY way prevents you from getting to the router to cut off his use or from getting to the phone, you must call 911 and have officers respond. difficult child is not going to get less violent and if you don't make your point in a HUGE way NOW, he is going to go a lot farther before much longer. There is a big difference between touring juvie and staying there. Not sure if it would help your son or not, you might want to run it past the psychiatrist, but maybe one of those programs that has him visit a prison and speak to inmates would be a good thing. The inmates are chosen VERY carefully - I promise you. They have gotten substantial training and therapy to help them understand their role and their own problems. My stepMIL works with setting up therapy programs in prisons worldwide, and has volunteered with the program seh sets up at two local prisons. She has helped choose inmates for these programs. It is NOT an easy thing for a prisoner to get into the program, and they have super strict rules. </p><p> </p><p>You need to not step down from turning off the router or whatever (would unplugging it be easier than whatever you are doing that makes you have to call Verizon for help getting it set back up?), but you need to recognize the danger that it puts you in. You have to dig deep and really accept that your child is capable of taking this way too far - so you have to make sure you have some way to reach help. Is it possible for you to register your cell phone with the police/emergency response so that if it calls and they don't hear you they send a car to your home to make sure you are safe? If so, keep your cell in a pocket at all times. Sit down with difficult child, at a time when you are calm and he is and if possible husband is home and calm. Sit and explain that from now on, the shoulder checking, blocking your way, etc... will result in a call to the police every time. That the behavior MUST stop as of that moment and that he cannot forget ever that he is not allowed to do that. You don't want him to have to deal with the long term results of a police record and even more of knowing that he hurt the person who loves him more than anyone else on earth. No one cares for him like you do, does for him the way you do, and hurting you in ANY way isn't just wrong, it will leave him with a lifetime of guilt and remorse.</p><p></p><p>You can tell him about Wiz hurting me to the point I have nerve damage in my left hand. It not only hurts, esp if it is cold or the weather changes, I have to actually think to get my fingers to bend properly - typing is a hassle because the fingers don't want to bend properly. How would HE feel to look at you ten years from now, see you with a hand that worked awkwardly and painfully and know that HE caused it because he was upset that he couldn't do what he wanted - because he was having a childish rage over a game. Is a game going to be so important to him in ten, twenty, thirty years that he is fine with having given you years of pain because you insisted on sticking to a limit? How will he explain to HIS children about why Grandma has a problem typing a letter to them, or has problems with her painting, because HE attacked her? </p><p></p><p>You CAN call a domestic violence center and get help. WHile they may not have programs for teens, his actions are enough to get him admitted to a group therapy program for abusers. What he is doing is called domestic violence in many people's minds, but it IS domestic violence and they will be a resource you can call on. Actually, making an appointment to speak with someone there to get info on what they have and get some pamphlets or whatever on how this is DV might be some of the wake-up call your husband needs to see that difficult child is truly behaving in a dangerous manner and that violence isn't just pistol whipping and blowing things up. I think it would be a good resource for BOTH your men, because until husband truly sees that this is violence against you, and truly is illegal and more than that, is WRONG, difficult child just is not going to see it as a problem. He will take his cue from husband for as long as he can find any tiny scrap of belief that shoulder checking and blocking you from doing something is not actually violent or wrong - and he won't stop. difficult child NEEDS both you and husband to be a united, immovable front if he is going to get through his teen years with-o real legal problems from this. Partly because you are going to end up really injured and the police won't ask your consent before they file charges and partly because difficult child won't limit this behavior to at home. He will try it at school, at a friend's house, or somewhere else and others will NOT be understanding.</p><p></p><p>It might be good to talk to the DV center and then talk to husband, and then sit down with difficult child at a calm time. I am sure he knows he isn't allowed to block you, etc.... but you and husband sitting there, with husband finally believeing that it is DV and that difficult child could actually end up in juvie or even in prison with adult charges, well, that change will make a difference in how husband talks to difficult child about it. in my opinion you have to first get husband to really SEE that difficult child's actions are domestic violence and then have husband help you set down the law to difficult child (again) one last time. Have a plan of action for if husband is home and if he isn't, and stick to it. </p><p></p><p>Part of what husband needs to see is that you are not just trying to keep difficult child from hurting you, you are fighting for his life, his future. Adult charges are not a joke, and could destroy his life. husband and difficult child BOTH need to see this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 461661, member: 1233"] I think difficult child not going was maybe the best thing you could have had happen. I have found that most docs do not fully grasp what is on the notes/history in the chart. Some don't even read it, but most skim and don't really comprehend that we are not being dramatic when we say what our child has done. There were many times that I insisted the doctor speak to me alone before he spoke to Wiz. It seemed to help - don't forget that you CAN insist on this even if difficult child is there. As for the not letting you call for help, blocking you, etc... the doctor is totally right and your husband totally wrong. It IS violence. It is one of the issues I have with gfgbro, one of the reasons I gave when I cut all contact - he might not hit but he would hold me in place (or husband or the kids) and rant and rave and scream in our faces. The last time he held the car door so husband couldn't drive away - husband had already just agreed with him to get away, and had to block bro so the kids could escape the house, but bro got hold of the car door and wouldn't let it shut so if husband drove away he would literally drive over bro. I was told, over and over and over on a phone message, that I didn't understand what violence is, that he had been to three rounds of the therapy for abusers and he knew he wasn't abusive or violent to me and that he had a right to say whatever he wanted as often as he wanted in whatever way he wanted (leaving bruises on husband's chest as he poked him with a finger while he insisted he wasn't violent - gee, that isn't abusive?) and we HAD to listen because otherwise WE were being violent by denying his rights. It is illegal to not let someone call for help. in my opinion the next time your difficult child blocks you or shoulder checks you, or in ANY way prevents you from getting to the router to cut off his use or from getting to the phone, you must call 911 and have officers respond. difficult child is not going to get less violent and if you don't make your point in a HUGE way NOW, he is going to go a lot farther before much longer. There is a big difference between touring juvie and staying there. Not sure if it would help your son or not, you might want to run it past the psychiatrist, but maybe one of those programs that has him visit a prison and speak to inmates would be a good thing. The inmates are chosen VERY carefully - I promise you. They have gotten substantial training and therapy to help them understand their role and their own problems. My stepMIL works with setting up therapy programs in prisons worldwide, and has volunteered with the program seh sets up at two local prisons. She has helped choose inmates for these programs. It is NOT an easy thing for a prisoner to get into the program, and they have super strict rules. You need to not step down from turning off the router or whatever (would unplugging it be easier than whatever you are doing that makes you have to call Verizon for help getting it set back up?), but you need to recognize the danger that it puts you in. You have to dig deep and really accept that your child is capable of taking this way too far - so you have to make sure you have some way to reach help. Is it possible for you to register your cell phone with the police/emergency response so that if it calls and they don't hear you they send a car to your home to make sure you are safe? If so, keep your cell in a pocket at all times. Sit down with difficult child, at a time when you are calm and he is and if possible husband is home and calm. Sit and explain that from now on, the shoulder checking, blocking your way, etc... will result in a call to the police every time. That the behavior MUST stop as of that moment and that he cannot forget ever that he is not allowed to do that. You don't want him to have to deal with the long term results of a police record and even more of knowing that he hurt the person who loves him more than anyone else on earth. No one cares for him like you do, does for him the way you do, and hurting you in ANY way isn't just wrong, it will leave him with a lifetime of guilt and remorse. You can tell him about Wiz hurting me to the point I have nerve damage in my left hand. It not only hurts, esp if it is cold or the weather changes, I have to actually think to get my fingers to bend properly - typing is a hassle because the fingers don't want to bend properly. How would HE feel to look at you ten years from now, see you with a hand that worked awkwardly and painfully and know that HE caused it because he was upset that he couldn't do what he wanted - because he was having a childish rage over a game. Is a game going to be so important to him in ten, twenty, thirty years that he is fine with having given you years of pain because you insisted on sticking to a limit? How will he explain to HIS children about why Grandma has a problem typing a letter to them, or has problems with her painting, because HE attacked her? You CAN call a domestic violence center and get help. WHile they may not have programs for teens, his actions are enough to get him admitted to a group therapy program for abusers. What he is doing is called domestic violence in many people's minds, but it IS domestic violence and they will be a resource you can call on. Actually, making an appointment to speak with someone there to get info on what they have and get some pamphlets or whatever on how this is DV might be some of the wake-up call your husband needs to see that difficult child is truly behaving in a dangerous manner and that violence isn't just pistol whipping and blowing things up. I think it would be a good resource for BOTH your men, because until husband truly sees that this is violence against you, and truly is illegal and more than that, is WRONG, difficult child just is not going to see it as a problem. He will take his cue from husband for as long as he can find any tiny scrap of belief that shoulder checking and blocking you from doing something is not actually violent or wrong - and he won't stop. difficult child NEEDS both you and husband to be a united, immovable front if he is going to get through his teen years with-o real legal problems from this. Partly because you are going to end up really injured and the police won't ask your consent before they file charges and partly because difficult child won't limit this behavior to at home. He will try it at school, at a friend's house, or somewhere else and others will NOT be understanding. It might be good to talk to the DV center and then talk to husband, and then sit down with difficult child at a calm time. I am sure he knows he isn't allowed to block you, etc.... but you and husband sitting there, with husband finally believeing that it is DV and that difficult child could actually end up in juvie or even in prison with adult charges, well, that change will make a difference in how husband talks to difficult child about it. in my opinion you have to first get husband to really SEE that difficult child's actions are domestic violence and then have husband help you set down the law to difficult child (again) one last time. Have a plan of action for if husband is home and if he isn't, and stick to it. Part of what husband needs to see is that you are not just trying to keep difficult child from hurting you, you are fighting for his life, his future. Adult charges are not a joke, and could destroy his life. husband and difficult child BOTH need to see this. [/QUOTE]
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