Rap Boy: -new problem-need help with

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Arttillygirl, Aug 21, 2007.

  1. Arttillygirl

    Arttillygirl New Member

    It's been awhile and I am not sure we have progressed or not.
    Update: 16 yr old diagnosed as major depression with O/C tendancies. Zoloft and .5mg Risperdal seemed to help.
    Therapy did absolutely nothing. He didn't want to return to small private Christian school. Our public school is horrid. Decided to try 10th grade there (he's been there since 4th)

    Basically he has just embraced being a bad boy. He wanted to rap, we compromised and let him if it was clean. (since he was suicidal and began cutting basically) So he makes these vile, horrible songs about b____S and whores and disguisting things and then bleeps out the bad words. We are trying so hard to restore our family but we have had such a difficult year. We threatened a treatment boarding school in our state and that seemed to help some of the defiance.

    Now, though he doesn't know it, I discovered he's going to try and have sex this weekend. The girl's myspace describes herself as a "dirty 'ho". She is obviously from a good family and is embracing the dark side as much as my son. So there's no relationship, they are both virgins and are just going to have sex.

    I cannot let him know I know lest he find out I am spying on him through the computer. What should I do? husband says we just forbid them even hanging out together on the basis that we don't know the girl and what we do know we don't like but I know he'll get furious and sneak. I know the backlash is to start all the other garbage again.

    So I guess we are just going to be tough. He will be driving-if we sign him up for lessons- but with this in his heart I know it's going to just be a constant battle keeping him from having sex or who knows what.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    OK, coming from a totally different cultural background here...

    She describes herself as a "dirty 'ho'" and is a virgin? Oh, dear, how unbelievably, appallingly innocent.

    The whole concept of "dirty" and that OTHER word is SUPPOSED to imply experience in a very negative, degrading way. My understanding of the meaning - someone who sells their body for money - doesn't gel with 'virgin'.

    It DOES seem to be part of a sub-group of rap, that they HAVE to use degrading terminology about themselves and others. THAT'S unhealthy, not the sexual references per se. Because when you degrade others, and yourself, you justify a low self-esteem and actively work to lower it further. Self-respect goes out the window. I wouldn't be banning swear words, I'd be banning ANY rap which shows lack of respect for self or others. Eminem's recent stuff may have a lot of bad language in it, but it's showing more respect than a lot of 'cleaner' stuff I've heard, of the "Gansta rap" variety. I'm only using that as an example.

    Teenage boys are curious about sex and sexuality. If he and this girl are PLANNING this, then at least they're putting more thought into it than most teens. difficult child probably hears other boys brag about their amaaazing sexual experience (like, none) and thinks he has to catch up too.

    If he's going to have sex somewhere, somehow, with whoever he can find, you and husband CAN'T stop him. Simply saying, "You're banned from ever seeing this girl again!" is going to be futile and cannot be enforced. You don't know that this girl is any more of a disaster than other friends of his - who knows, she may be a steadying influence - we have absolutely no idea. And if you're unwilling to say anything because you're afraid he'll know you've been snooping on his 'Net use, then banning him from seeing this girl is going to be just as big a giveaway.

    You have to handle things your way and whatever you try and do, you won't be happy with the outcome. He's a big boy now who thinks he's capable of making his own adult decisions. He will no longer bend the way you want him to go.

    So you have few choices. You can give him ultimatums but they aren't working. And the more he sees your ultimatums fail with no consequences that you can enforce, the more your parental power diminishes.

    Or you can let him go his own way to a certain extent, but at least try to steer. When the hand is to the plough and the bullock team has chosen to go a different direction, all you can do is hang on and try to steer - or let go and watch them thunder off into the distance. They'll generally come back when they need their food and shelter, but otherwise will be uncontrollable.

    So how do you try to steer? If you're going to say ANYTHING, you have to accept that he will at least suspect you've been snooping. So what? You're a parent, it's your computer, it's your house, he's your kid. He's your responsibility. Snoop away. Be proud of it. Or keep him guessing, don't answer if he accuses, but say something like, "If you're planning on having sex this weekend, do make sure you wear a condom. I've bought a selection for you to have a look at; or if you don't like any of those, we can go shopping together to buy you the ones you want. I'm happy to pay for them and know you are being sexually responsible." Do make sure you get the really odd stuff too, such as ribbed, flavoured, coloured - just as long as they WILL protect (which some of the fancier ones will not). This will REALLY freak him out - hey, my parents are sexual creatures, they know about this stuff (like, where do our kids think they came from?).

    Because sexual activity also SHOULD bring sexual responsibility. If he's adult enough to have sex with someone, then he's adult enough to look after the sexual health of himself and his partner. It's the chivalrous thing to do. And if she says, "What's the deal? If we're both virgins, we shouldn't need a condom, especially if I'm on the Pill," then he has to say, "I'm being responsible, we both need to practice this side of sex as well as the fun side."

    If you think about it - the time he needs to take (and the practicality needed) to use a condom, may be enough to take out the romanticism of the encounter, as well as give her time to chicken out if she needs to. It could be a case of, "Let's just not, and say we did," between the two of them.

    But while ever you show you are upset, angry, horrified or appalled, he will keep being a rebel. And he will be always looking to up the ante on you.

    I've had to accept that my daughters have chosen to have sex before marriage. I couldn't stop them - husband & I actually took turns on guard duty before we said, "This is ridiculous - if we stop them here, they'll only do it somewhere else or when they're out." OK, a few people at church had a go at me about it and I fielded it right back. "You have daughters much younger than mine. When your daughter gets married in white and you can PROVE it, THEN come back and lecture me, tell me the secret of how you did it. I brought my kids up the best I could, now they make their own decisions. We influence them while we can then we have to sit back and hope for the best."

    When my girls became sexually active, I walked them through the other side - their personal responsibility. I took them to the doctor, made them have Pap smears, organised the Pill for them, talked to them about other aspects of sexual health and gave easy child 2/difficult child 2 a lecture in emotional health and the damage she could do to a vulnerable young man, simply by having sex with him (even in a relationship). She didn't understand then - boy, she understands now, but damage has been done.

    Neither of my girls is promiscuous, thank goodness. Your difficult child may not be either. It sounds like he just wants to know, to be able to honestly say he has experienced sex. He WILL be disappointed.

    But the most important lessons for him aren't "Don't have sex before you're married," or "Don't have sex outside of a committed relationship," it should be, "Respect other people, respect yourself." Because with that one, you're ahead of the game. Without that one, you can't achieve your main goals.

    Good luck, I hope you and husband can come to some solution which you are happy with, which will help you resolve your concerns.

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know if I found that out, I would forbid it. And I told my daughter, when she started getting into trouble, that "privacy" didn't apply to her anymore and that we will inspect her room, possibly read her diary, and check the internet to see what she's doing. Yeah, she whined and said, "You don't trust me." Guess what? We didn't and told her so. She had to earn our trust--she had violated it on every level. We're lucky we "violated" her trust. She had plans to run off to Colorado to see a boy she met on the internet. I wouldn't even apologize for how I found out, I'd tell him that, due to his behavior, he has no privacy. I was shocked that, knowing this, daughter left her diary in full view...maybe she WANTED us to see...who knew?
    On the other side, boys of sixteen are going to try to have sex. I raised two easy child boys. They don't care if they know the girl or not. Their hormones are in high gear. I came home early from work once to find my son with a girl in his room in a compromising situation. He wasn't a problem kid. I don't consider wanting sex to be "the dark side." I consider it normal, and he will probably do it whether he does it this time or not. For all you know, he already has. That, in my opinion, is normal teenager boy behavior. I'm always amazed at girls these days--they offer themselves, with so much to lose, and they don't care. I have no idea how you can keep a boy his age from having sex. I don't think it's possible unless you follow him around. I agree with Meg. Teach him safe sex because he isn't going to wait until you think he's ready.
    I would think twice about letting him learn to drive this young if you're that concerned about him. Consider yourself warned :wink: My younger kids have to earn the right to get their license. I learned with my first difficult child that cars and difficult children are a terrible combination.
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Girls this age having sex - there is a LOT of peer pressure in some circles. It's really intense and involves utter debasement purely for the pleasure of the boys involved. If a girl doesn't play along she becomes a total social outcast, so they go along with what the boys want, even though they don't like it, purely as a result of extreme emotional blackmail. They PRETEND to not care, because to say you don't like it or don't want to do it, or have 'values' will lead to victimisation (and possibly rape). A lot of it involves oral sex and the public mythology among the girls is that this isn't REALLY sex, but it's something that girls must do, if the boys are to like them. All girls, to all boys. No saying no, because why would you want to say no?

    It all goes the boys' way, they learn absolutely nothing about respecting the females in their lives and learn everything about expecting they can have whatever they want in personal selfish sexual pleasure.

    It also begins horribly young in some areas - girls can be barely into their teens when they meet these expectations; far too young to be able to handle such a quandary.

    This is too complex to just be critical of one boy, or one girl. This is a large social problem, a problem belonging to a large group in general and a self-perpetuating problem. What is needed is a combination of sex education plus social education on a broad scale, especially teaching ALL kids they have a right to say no, and a refuge to go to/call in the event of victimisation. There needs to be accountability and support for the kids who now know they have the right to opt out.

    And MWM, on the subject of privacy - I agree, it has to be earned and can be taken away in an instant. Privacy is a privilege, not a right, in these circumstances. But will a confrontation NOW stop him? I doubt it. Maybe letting him know that you know about it may be somewhat of a deterrent. But what can you do? Handcuff him to the bedpost in his room? What about school? What about all the times during the day when he is out of your jurisdiction? Lunch break? After school? Middle of the night?

    The best deterrent is whatever you've been able to already put in his head. You can do no more than this.

  5. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    I too have a 16 y/o rap boy, he lives with the mentality that he
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with Meg that, although you can probably derail this one attempt, your son will have sex if he wants. He probably already has--he would never tell you. Mine sure never came home and said, "Guess what I did in the back of the school at lunch?" LOL! Good luck. (Preach safe sex)