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General Parenting
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) rears it's very ugly head with both
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<blockquote data-quote="dreamer" data-source="post: 62565" data-attributes="member: 1697"><p>I am not convinced that this is a symptom of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). In order for the kids to be this upset with your illness, it seems tio me they would have to feel some sort of bond or connection to you. </p><p>I also am not convinced their fears and reactions are in any way abnormal, or even over the top.</p><p>Children do depend on parents for all their needs. When illness strikes a parent, a childs self preservation is going to kick in and they are going to fear over what will become of them. Children also do know very often adults will try to sheild them from hard truths, and scary information, and not always let them know if a parent is sick enough to ------pass away. Your kids do see your diminished phsyical ability, and it is not just children who begin to be afraid when they see someone need to use assistive devices. Or have hospital stays. Your children do actually seem to be useing self preservation, and understanding that you ARE ill and putting 2 plus 2 together, and thinking about their future, and understanding that they ARE dependant upon you and husband for their needs. This would seem to me to show a level of maturity and intelligence. ANd a level of bonding. Even non difficult child children very often, even into adulthood- do not view their own parents as "human beings" but rather as their support and caregivers. Even non difficult child kids will take the possibility of something happeneing to their parents and turn it in such a way as to worry "what will become of me" and if you think about it, when you hear of children who do lose a parent, very often you will also think "oh the poor child" and your children already had the sad experience with their bio mom..........and wound up with you--- so they already have the history that things can get quite disrupted when something is not going so great for the parent figures. How a parents life is going is not in the control of the children, BUT very often it IS the children who are so greatly affected. Your children already have experienced first hand the upheaval their little lives can go thru totally unrelated to their own behaviors, becuz what happened to them in bio home had nothing at all to do with their behaviors or actions, it was their bio mom who was ill and twisted. Now they are seeing that your husband was in phospital last summer, was it? and now you are dealing with this illness and it is normal for them to be afraid and upset and acting out. I have a strong feeling kt could be thinking oh no, mom is this ill and will have more difficulty takeing care of me, so will I land in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or a foster home over it? And it is not like she has never seen such a thing happen. </p><p></p><p>One thing so many people say all the time is "look out for number 1" and "take care of yourself" in the case of children, especially younger ones, we do have to take care of them and their needs, and they are not normally going to be thinking about us or our needs, it really is not usually their job......</p><p>And even after they become adults, well. a very many people even as adults do not find it their job to take care of ill parents or think about what an ill or elderly or disabled parents wants or needs.</p><p></p><p>I urge you to remember how you were feeling inside you when your mom was ill. How scared etc you were. And you were a fully grown adult with children of your own and a husband. Kt and wm already were taken from one bio mom, no matter what kind of mom she was, she was their mom, and they "lost her" so to speak. And how young are they? It is not that strange that they worry they could lose you, too, and once again, their "home" and "family" </p><p>And as for wms birthday? After 9-11 how many people said things needed to get back to "normal"? Wm may very well need the reaasurance that things are in fact as close to "normal" as can be. And a birthday is a celebration of his life. He truly may need to feel a celebration of Life. He truly may need the event to happen. We all need to feel it makes a difference that we exist. And he may be wanting to be able to think that his existance is something important to you, he may need to feel he is a positive force in giving you the will and strength to go on, even if he is not um........providing you with support that you can interpret as support. He could be interpreting it as.... do I matter enough to her to have her become well again? Do I give her the will to live? And no, his behavior itself is not what likely would be in his mind, but just his mere existance. </p><p> </p><p>They are mere children, and ill children at that, and ones who have already lived thru a great deal of tragedy. And yes, their needs at this time are also important. Your docs and your husband need to help YOU and their docs and your husband etc need to help them to deal with all this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dreamer, post: 62565, member: 1697"] I am not convinced that this is a symptom of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). In order for the kids to be this upset with your illness, it seems tio me they would have to feel some sort of bond or connection to you. I also am not convinced their fears and reactions are in any way abnormal, or even over the top. Children do depend on parents for all their needs. When illness strikes a parent, a childs self preservation is going to kick in and they are going to fear over what will become of them. Children also do know very often adults will try to sheild them from hard truths, and scary information, and not always let them know if a parent is sick enough to ------pass away. Your kids do see your diminished phsyical ability, and it is not just children who begin to be afraid when they see someone need to use assistive devices. Or have hospital stays. Your children do actually seem to be useing self preservation, and understanding that you ARE ill and putting 2 plus 2 together, and thinking about their future, and understanding that they ARE dependant upon you and husband for their needs. This would seem to me to show a level of maturity and intelligence. ANd a level of bonding. Even non difficult child children very often, even into adulthood- do not view their own parents as "human beings" but rather as their support and caregivers. Even non difficult child kids will take the possibility of something happeneing to their parents and turn it in such a way as to worry "what will become of me" and if you think about it, when you hear of children who do lose a parent, very often you will also think "oh the poor child" and your children already had the sad experience with their bio mom..........and wound up with you--- so they already have the history that things can get quite disrupted when something is not going so great for the parent figures. How a parents life is going is not in the control of the children, BUT very often it IS the children who are so greatly affected. Your children already have experienced first hand the upheaval their little lives can go thru totally unrelated to their own behaviors, becuz what happened to them in bio home had nothing at all to do with their behaviors or actions, it was their bio mom who was ill and twisted. Now they are seeing that your husband was in phospital last summer, was it? and now you are dealing with this illness and it is normal for them to be afraid and upset and acting out. I have a strong feeling kt could be thinking oh no, mom is this ill and will have more difficulty takeing care of me, so will I land in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or a foster home over it? And it is not like she has never seen such a thing happen. One thing so many people say all the time is "look out for number 1" and "take care of yourself" in the case of children, especially younger ones, we do have to take care of them and their needs, and they are not normally going to be thinking about us or our needs, it really is not usually their job...... And even after they become adults, well. a very many people even as adults do not find it their job to take care of ill parents or think about what an ill or elderly or disabled parents wants or needs. I urge you to remember how you were feeling inside you when your mom was ill. How scared etc you were. And you were a fully grown adult with children of your own and a husband. Kt and wm already were taken from one bio mom, no matter what kind of mom she was, she was their mom, and they "lost her" so to speak. And how young are they? It is not that strange that they worry they could lose you, too, and once again, their "home" and "family" And as for wms birthday? After 9-11 how many people said things needed to get back to "normal"? Wm may very well need the reaasurance that things are in fact as close to "normal" as can be. And a birthday is a celebration of his life. He truly may need to feel a celebration of Life. He truly may need the event to happen. We all need to feel it makes a difference that we exist. And he may be wanting to be able to think that his existance is something important to you, he may need to feel he is a positive force in giving you the will and strength to go on, even if he is not um........providing you with support that you can interpret as support. He could be interpreting it as.... do I matter enough to her to have her become well again? Do I give her the will to live? And no, his behavior itself is not what likely would be in his mind, but just his mere existance. They are mere children, and ill children at that, and ones who have already lived thru a great deal of tragedy. And yes, their needs at this time are also important. Your docs and your husband need to help YOU and their docs and your husband etc need to help them to deal with all this. [/QUOTE]
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