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Really Bad Night Last Night
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 494559" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Bunny, I'm sorry this happened and I know how hard it is. I can recognise something of all of this... and what I felt reading your post, <strong>while in no way blaming you </strong>(or if I did, I would have to blame myself alongside), was that things escalated into the red zone when everything goes crazy when there was perhaps a way to have kept them in the green. So many times this kind of thing has happened in my house (in terms of the intensity of emotion and anger) and slowly I am learning how to head things off, to make sure that we never reach the point where things are said and done in the heat of the moment that are not good, not wise, not skilful (on both sides). </p><p>For me, as an outsider - you will know best as you were there - the key phrase for me was that you "pulled him out of easy child's room" and went into easy child's room. Quite understand why you did that but... perhaps it would have been better to just watch and see what he did at that point rather than taking pre-emptive action. From that point, difficult child felt unheard and mistrusted (from his point of view), and he started getting angry. The genie was out of the bottle.</p><p>It's all so hard and exhausting having to manage these things rather than just reacting normally, I really know that. But I think one has to focus on not getting to the painful point.</p><p>Do you know "The Explosive Child"? In the end, I think nothing really works with these explosive kids except that kind of method. They have an <strong>inordinate</strong> need to feel heard and respected, so engaging them with collaboration and negotiation makes them feel respected, which is the start of the road to some kind of peace.</p><p>But if it was easy...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 494559, member: 11227"] Bunny, I'm sorry this happened and I know how hard it is. I can recognise something of all of this... and what I felt reading your post, [B]while in no way blaming you [/B](or if I did, I would have to blame myself alongside), was that things escalated into the red zone when everything goes crazy when there was perhaps a way to have kept them in the green. So many times this kind of thing has happened in my house (in terms of the intensity of emotion and anger) and slowly I am learning how to head things off, to make sure that we never reach the point where things are said and done in the heat of the moment that are not good, not wise, not skilful (on both sides). For me, as an outsider - you will know best as you were there - the key phrase for me was that you "pulled him out of easy child's room" and went into easy child's room. Quite understand why you did that but... perhaps it would have been better to just watch and see what he did at that point rather than taking pre-emptive action. From that point, difficult child felt unheard and mistrusted (from his point of view), and he started getting angry. The genie was out of the bottle. It's all so hard and exhausting having to manage these things rather than just reacting normally, I really know that. But I think one has to focus on not getting to the painful point. Do you know "The Explosive Child"? In the end, I think nothing really works with these explosive kids except that kind of method. They have an [B]inordinate[/B] need to feel heard and respected, so engaging them with collaboration and negotiation makes them feel respected, which is the start of the road to some kind of peace. But if it was easy... [/QUOTE]
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