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Really, really, REALLY need your help. Falling apart. Son's marriage related.
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 300350" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>Sorry this is going on and troubling you. </p><p></p><p>I've kind of been in a situation like this. My cousin, who was like a sibling to me, was common law with a man for many years. They had a child together who I adored. Anyhow, this man, he was manipulative and quite spiteful in his own sneaky way. He made it uncomfortable for our family and it was, over time, difficult to be around him. BUT we all loved my cousin. And she was with him for as long as she wanted to be. Meaning we had to put HER first. And put our feelings of dislike or hurt regarding HIM, aside. I will admit that there was some venting conversations within the family over the years. Often for the final couple of years. We struggled with being around him and remaining classy and dignified towards him. </p><p></p><p>But we did it. We made a family decision that we would NOT cause me hurt to my cousin. So we put on smiles when needed, made small talk with him, treated him as extended family. My cousin several times either seperated from him, or was openly contemplating doing so. Throughout those periods, NONE of us entered an opinion. We expressed love for my cousin and our support in whatever happened in her relationship so long as it was what SHE wanted. We of course wanted to say SOMETHING, but we chose not to.</p><p></p><p>It took my cousin near a decade to move on from this man, who obviously didn't love her properly, and he used their child as a pawn with her and all of us as well. It hurt to see her hurt. To see her son be weaponized. However in the end, relationships like this usually fail. And when that happened, my cousin knew her family surrounded her and her son with love and support and that we also respected her choices (staying so long with this man) as her choices to make. </p><p></p><p>I think that you should try to help yourself understand that yes, your son married this woman. And yes, she's the mother of your grandchild. But we live in a world where no way in hades will we like everyone, nor will everyone like us. Your son picked her, she picked him. You weren't part of them falling for each other and you won't be part of the reason if they fall apart. Right? Right!! </p><p></p><p>I imagine it is difficult to have negative feelings from her towards you and quite honestly, I'd feel pretty hurt and not so "in like" with her myself at this stage. But it is what it is. And you can't change her anymore than your son can, and it seems he wish he could for the sake of his marriage.</p><p></p><p>If I were you, I'd simply work on myself, on coming to terms with who this women is and that she isn't close to you in your life. You are doing right from what I've read, in terms of being there as a mother for your son without steering him one way or another.</p><p></p><p>Its a sad fact that this isn't allowing you to be as close to your grandson as possible. I for one, would make a calm and non judgemental statement, to your son. basic point being: "I love you son. I love my grandchild. I respect your marriage and whatever decision you make regarding this. I realize your wife isn't crazy about me but I do not want that to interfere with our relationship or prevent me from being a loving grandparent to grandchild."</p><p></p><p>Then i would leave the ball in his court. I bet that since he feels her wandering off from the marriage path, and given his desire to try to save the marriage, he is probably not going to rock any boat with her right now. Not even in defense of his mother. We all know that we love our parents but as adults, we often have to put our partners first, after all we plan to spend our lifetimes with our partners and as adults, our parents are less involved in our day to day lives. But your son will know the spirit of your heart and your hopes for him, his wife, your grandchild. It will mean a TON to him.</p><p></p><p>Be strong and keep on living your life. She is! And although it is difficult to perhaps not see your grandchild as often as you'd like, I'd just do what you can in that area and enjoy the time you do have with him. </p><p></p><p>(((hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 300350, member: 4264"] Sorry this is going on and troubling you. I've kind of been in a situation like this. My cousin, who was like a sibling to me, was common law with a man for many years. They had a child together who I adored. Anyhow, this man, he was manipulative and quite spiteful in his own sneaky way. He made it uncomfortable for our family and it was, over time, difficult to be around him. BUT we all loved my cousin. And she was with him for as long as she wanted to be. Meaning we had to put HER first. And put our feelings of dislike or hurt regarding HIM, aside. I will admit that there was some venting conversations within the family over the years. Often for the final couple of years. We struggled with being around him and remaining classy and dignified towards him. But we did it. We made a family decision that we would NOT cause me hurt to my cousin. So we put on smiles when needed, made small talk with him, treated him as extended family. My cousin several times either seperated from him, or was openly contemplating doing so. Throughout those periods, NONE of us entered an opinion. We expressed love for my cousin and our support in whatever happened in her relationship so long as it was what SHE wanted. We of course wanted to say SOMETHING, but we chose not to. It took my cousin near a decade to move on from this man, who obviously didn't love her properly, and he used their child as a pawn with her and all of us as well. It hurt to see her hurt. To see her son be weaponized. However in the end, relationships like this usually fail. And when that happened, my cousin knew her family surrounded her and her son with love and support and that we also respected her choices (staying so long with this man) as her choices to make. I think that you should try to help yourself understand that yes, your son married this woman. And yes, she's the mother of your grandchild. But we live in a world where no way in hades will we like everyone, nor will everyone like us. Your son picked her, she picked him. You weren't part of them falling for each other and you won't be part of the reason if they fall apart. Right? Right!! I imagine it is difficult to have negative feelings from her towards you and quite honestly, I'd feel pretty hurt and not so "in like" with her myself at this stage. But it is what it is. And you can't change her anymore than your son can, and it seems he wish he could for the sake of his marriage. If I were you, I'd simply work on myself, on coming to terms with who this women is and that she isn't close to you in your life. You are doing right from what I've read, in terms of being there as a mother for your son without steering him one way or another. Its a sad fact that this isn't allowing you to be as close to your grandson as possible. I for one, would make a calm and non judgemental statement, to your son. basic point being: "I love you son. I love my grandchild. I respect your marriage and whatever decision you make regarding this. I realize your wife isn't crazy about me but I do not want that to interfere with our relationship or prevent me from being a loving grandparent to grandchild." Then i would leave the ball in his court. I bet that since he feels her wandering off from the marriage path, and given his desire to try to save the marriage, he is probably not going to rock any boat with her right now. Not even in defense of his mother. We all know that we love our parents but as adults, we often have to put our partners first, after all we plan to spend our lifetimes with our partners and as adults, our parents are less involved in our day to day lives. But your son will know the spirit of your heart and your hopes for him, his wife, your grandchild. It will mean a TON to him. Be strong and keep on living your life. She is! And although it is difficult to perhaps not see your grandchild as often as you'd like, I'd just do what you can in that area and enjoy the time you do have with him. (((hugs))) [/QUOTE]
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Really, really, REALLY need your help. Falling apart. Son's marriage related.
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