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Really, really, REALLY need your help. Falling apart. Son's marriage related.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 300485" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Muttmeister said what I wanted to say.</p><p></p><p>You described your daughter in law as "she is overly sensitive, holds grudges, doesn't accept apologies sometimes, and plays games/lies for her own advantage".</p><p></p><p>So if she is so touchy, I doubt very much that you are the only person on her hate list. You're probably not even anywhere near the top. I do wonder if she is at the top of her own list, frankly.</p><p></p><p>So she says she hates you. Why does this mean you have to dislike her back? Once we start doing that, we create increasing conflict. Nothing positive is achieved.</p><p></p><p>Of course you need to insulate yourself against further hurt form her, but you can do that NOT by telling yourself you dislike her back, but by liking yourself more, to compensate. If Person A hates you but Person B and Person C love you, then overall, you are at least well-liked (law of averages). And if you also know that Person A is difficult to get on with, then this devalues any opinion Person A might express, in terms of liking/disliking anybody.</p><p></p><p>I know there are people who dislike me. Right now I'm involved in conflict with a woman I know who I have to work with. Normally I would roll over and not make a fuss, but she finally trod on my toes too hard and I have hit back. I still like this woman but I don't trust her any more. And she is being very kind to me suddenly, saying nice things (to stop me walking away and leaving her with a mess to clean up) but I suspect underneath it all, she absolutely loathes me now (because I stood up to her) and will be glad to see the back of me when she can afford to have me off the scene.</p><p>But her behaviour towards me and other people tells me that her opinion about me is irrelevant. She will undoubtedly blacken my name with her friends, but if they have to be told what to think then I won't value their opinion of me anyway.</p><p></p><p>If I let this upset me, then I am letting it waste my time and my energy.</p><p></p><p>Trouble is, in your case this impacts on your son and your grandson. Unfortunatelt, there really is nothing you can do about this. The best you can do is stay right out of it. If daughter in law finds out that her husband is venting to you, she will put a stop to it, probably by banning him from visiting. So he MUST talk to an independent person and not you.</p><p></p><p>My nephew is going through similar trials - his wife (who I always liked and got on with, I thought) has suddenly declared everyone on his side of the family (including me - it's a blanket statement) to be off limits for him. She threw him out at one stage and he was only allowed back into the home if he agreed to never, ever, be in contact with his family again. No talknig to his parents or his sister. Or any aunts & unvcles. No cousins. Nobody. And we're a very close family.</p><p></p><p>My nephew chose to stay with his wife even under those draconian rules, because of his two girls. He sees his wife as a nut case and is worried what she will do emotionally to the girls.</p><p>Over the last couple of years she has relented slightly at times; she let him visit his parents when it suited her to have the free babysitting. And recently for my brother's 70th birthday, she amazingly let both girls and their father spend most of the day with Grandpa. It was the first time I had ever seen the two girls. I could see that they love their grandpa although they found the large number of strange people very confusing. I talked to the other girl about a few things including the family tree (husband had his computer there with all the connections) and we made a fuss of putting both the girls and their mother into the family tree. "You belong in the family tree because your daddy does. Your mummy belongs because she's your mummy and you belong, and because she's married to your daddy and he belongs. And mummy belongs to her own family tree as well because of her parents and her grandparents." I made it clear that I have always liked their mummy and I would have liked to see her again. And I made sure that I meant it, even though I had been hearing some horror stories before the girls arrived.</p><p>I talked to their grandma after the girls left - she said that of course they bend over backwards to only say nice things about their daughter in law but I remember hearing her say harsh things about her, way back before her son ever married her. The daughter in law bears grudges, obviously, and finally felt the long-term buildup of herMIL's disapproval.</p><p></p><p>MWM, I wonder if your daughter in law is jealous of the close relationship you have with your son? I do think this is also a factor for my nephew and his wife. He is open and loving with us, but has to support his wife publicly and do what she says every inch of the way. So we have all accepted this, we love them all and wait for the day when thre girls are old enough to make thier own choices.</p><p></p><p>While ever my nephew (and your son, by analogy) is in the kids' lives, then there is an influence there in grandma's favour, telling them that grandma loves them and wants to spend time with them.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, maybe you could write a book for George, a book about George and about hoe grandma loves him unconditionally.</p><p>A friend of mine did this for each of her grandchildren. She actually wrote the book by cutting out letters from magazine headlines. It took her years sometimes, but her grandchildren loved them.</p><p></p><p>If you write letters to him telling him about your day, and asking him how he is going - then you are connecting direct to the child. </p><p></p><p>Unless your daughter in law intervenes and doesn't let him have the letters (and hopefully your son will allow them, even if he has to vet them first) then this should help maintain a loving connection between you and your grandson, even if it is only by mail.</p><p></p><p>And do it by snail mail or dad delivery, not by email. Draw little pictures for him, write in large words if he needs them. Whatever it takes. Keep the content non-committal and general, don't use any broad hints such as "I really wish your mummy would bring you here for a visit" because the mummy will see tis as using the child to get at her. Instead you could write about topics you know he likes, such as trains. "I saw a big train today, it was red. It was pulling sixteen carriages, I thought it must have been very strong to do that."</p><p></p><p>That sort of thing. </p><p></p><p>But everything else - keep your distance.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 300485, member: 1991"] Muttmeister said what I wanted to say. You described your daughter in law as "she is overly sensitive, holds grudges, doesn't accept apologies sometimes, and plays games/lies for her own advantage". So if she is so touchy, I doubt very much that you are the only person on her hate list. You're probably not even anywhere near the top. I do wonder if she is at the top of her own list, frankly. So she says she hates you. Why does this mean you have to dislike her back? Once we start doing that, we create increasing conflict. Nothing positive is achieved. Of course you need to insulate yourself against further hurt form her, but you can do that NOT by telling yourself you dislike her back, but by liking yourself more, to compensate. If Person A hates you but Person B and Person C love you, then overall, you are at least well-liked (law of averages). And if you also know that Person A is difficult to get on with, then this devalues any opinion Person A might express, in terms of liking/disliking anybody. I know there are people who dislike me. Right now I'm involved in conflict with a woman I know who I have to work with. Normally I would roll over and not make a fuss, but she finally trod on my toes too hard and I have hit back. I still like this woman but I don't trust her any more. And she is being very kind to me suddenly, saying nice things (to stop me walking away and leaving her with a mess to clean up) but I suspect underneath it all, she absolutely loathes me now (because I stood up to her) and will be glad to see the back of me when she can afford to have me off the scene. But her behaviour towards me and other people tells me that her opinion about me is irrelevant. She will undoubtedly blacken my name with her friends, but if they have to be told what to think then I won't value their opinion of me anyway. If I let this upset me, then I am letting it waste my time and my energy. Trouble is, in your case this impacts on your son and your grandson. Unfortunatelt, there really is nothing you can do about this. The best you can do is stay right out of it. If daughter in law finds out that her husband is venting to you, she will put a stop to it, probably by banning him from visiting. So he MUST talk to an independent person and not you. My nephew is going through similar trials - his wife (who I always liked and got on with, I thought) has suddenly declared everyone on his side of the family (including me - it's a blanket statement) to be off limits for him. She threw him out at one stage and he was only allowed back into the home if he agreed to never, ever, be in contact with his family again. No talknig to his parents or his sister. Or any aunts & unvcles. No cousins. Nobody. And we're a very close family. My nephew chose to stay with his wife even under those draconian rules, because of his two girls. He sees his wife as a nut case and is worried what she will do emotionally to the girls. Over the last couple of years she has relented slightly at times; she let him visit his parents when it suited her to have the free babysitting. And recently for my brother's 70th birthday, she amazingly let both girls and their father spend most of the day with Grandpa. It was the first time I had ever seen the two girls. I could see that they love their grandpa although they found the large number of strange people very confusing. I talked to the other girl about a few things including the family tree (husband had his computer there with all the connections) and we made a fuss of putting both the girls and their mother into the family tree. "You belong in the family tree because your daddy does. Your mummy belongs because she's your mummy and you belong, and because she's married to your daddy and he belongs. And mummy belongs to her own family tree as well because of her parents and her grandparents." I made it clear that I have always liked their mummy and I would have liked to see her again. And I made sure that I meant it, even though I had been hearing some horror stories before the girls arrived. I talked to their grandma after the girls left - she said that of course they bend over backwards to only say nice things about their daughter in law but I remember hearing her say harsh things about her, way back before her son ever married her. The daughter in law bears grudges, obviously, and finally felt the long-term buildup of herMIL's disapproval. MWM, I wonder if your daughter in law is jealous of the close relationship you have with your son? I do think this is also a factor for my nephew and his wife. He is open and loving with us, but has to support his wife publicly and do what she says every inch of the way. So we have all accepted this, we love them all and wait for the day when thre girls are old enough to make thier own choices. While ever my nephew (and your son, by analogy) is in the kids' lives, then there is an influence there in grandma's favour, telling them that grandma loves them and wants to spend time with them. In the meantime, maybe you could write a book for George, a book about George and about hoe grandma loves him unconditionally. A friend of mine did this for each of her grandchildren. She actually wrote the book by cutting out letters from magazine headlines. It took her years sometimes, but her grandchildren loved them. If you write letters to him telling him about your day, and asking him how he is going - then you are connecting direct to the child. Unless your daughter in law intervenes and doesn't let him have the letters (and hopefully your son will allow them, even if he has to vet them first) then this should help maintain a loving connection between you and your grandson, even if it is only by mail. And do it by snail mail or dad delivery, not by email. Draw little pictures for him, write in large words if he needs them. Whatever it takes. Keep the content non-committal and general, don't use any broad hints such as "I really wish your mummy would bring you here for a visit" because the mummy will see tis as using the child to get at her. Instead you could write about topics you know he likes, such as trains. "I saw a big train today, it was red. It was pulling sixteen carriages, I thought it must have been very strong to do that." That sort of thing. But everything else - keep your distance. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Really, really, REALLY need your help. Falling apart. Son's marriage related.
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