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Rec'd a call from my other tweedle....
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 445673" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>If there were not so many issues with prior sexual abuse and acting out, the bra might have been a way to get through to him. While his behavior is irrational in many ways, I can also see how this bean counting started. As a very young child, he probably learned that when kt got something different and good for her (good in the way of a toy, not in any healthy way) it meant someone was going to do something bad to him. If bad things were being passed around, making sure kt got what he got was a way to to lessen the abuse. People only have so much energy no matter what they do or their reasons for doing it. So if wm was the only one being hurt the abuse was far worse. wearing out the abuser was a way to be hurt less. Pushing to make sure the good things were given to him also was one of the very few ways he could try to keep himself safe. It also had to be very hard because his bond with kt and the natural instinct to protect her would make him feel bad. He was young enough to not know that what was happening wasn'tnormal and also to have those loving instincts that most children have. This doesn't mean that he is going to be able to get the world to abide by his rules but it does mean that it is probably almost instinctive, possibly on the fight or flight level of action/reaction. </p><p></p><p>I called it bean counting because in manyways our kids become little fixated accountants, trying to make sure they get what they think is their fair "share". Even with all the years of therapy and intervention and supports it is likely that he has little if any understanding of why he feels so driven to demand whatever he thinks is owed to him. </p><p></p><p>It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but understanding that it isn't anything that you did can make it easier. It can be easy to forget, but I think this is probably like the anger that adoptied children have no matter how wonderful the forever parents are. It takes being mature enough to accept that the anger is there and that your forever parents love you anyway and a lot of hard work in therapy to process the anger. Given that the abuse was so pervasive, vicious and evil and happened so early in their lives, I would think it would take even longer to realize what he is doing, accept that it isn't healthy and get to the point that you are able to work through it. And that all has to happen before the hard work of therapy starts.</p><p></p><p>I think the way you disengage with love is maybe the best gift any mother has given any child. You are not hiding from the problems or shielding them from them. You refuse to be treated that way or participate in family therapy when it simply isn't going to accomplish anything now but you still send very clear messages that you love them. I would imagine that even after all these years the tweedles are confused by this. Too much early programming to get over until they are far more mature. By not allowing them to treat you like koi and by sticking to your boundaries, you are teaching them that it truly is possible to be upset/angry/unhappy/irritated/frustrated/fed up or feel other non-warm-fuzzy feelings about someone and still love the person.</p><p></p><p>You are teaching them that love is not all cute cuddly kittens and rainbows, but is a roaring mama lioness.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 445673, member: 1233"] If there were not so many issues with prior sexual abuse and acting out, the bra might have been a way to get through to him. While his behavior is irrational in many ways, I can also see how this bean counting started. As a very young child, he probably learned that when kt got something different and good for her (good in the way of a toy, not in any healthy way) it meant someone was going to do something bad to him. If bad things were being passed around, making sure kt got what he got was a way to to lessen the abuse. People only have so much energy no matter what they do or their reasons for doing it. So if wm was the only one being hurt the abuse was far worse. wearing out the abuser was a way to be hurt less. Pushing to make sure the good things were given to him also was one of the very few ways he could try to keep himself safe. It also had to be very hard because his bond with kt and the natural instinct to protect her would make him feel bad. He was young enough to not know that what was happening wasn'tnormal and also to have those loving instincts that most children have. This doesn't mean that he is going to be able to get the world to abide by his rules but it does mean that it is probably almost instinctive, possibly on the fight or flight level of action/reaction. I called it bean counting because in manyways our kids become little fixated accountants, trying to make sure they get what they think is their fair "share". Even with all the years of therapy and intervention and supports it is likely that he has little if any understanding of why he feels so driven to demand whatever he thinks is owed to him. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but understanding that it isn't anything that you did can make it easier. It can be easy to forget, but I think this is probably like the anger that adoptied children have no matter how wonderful the forever parents are. It takes being mature enough to accept that the anger is there and that your forever parents love you anyway and a lot of hard work in therapy to process the anger. Given that the abuse was so pervasive, vicious and evil and happened so early in their lives, I would think it would take even longer to realize what he is doing, accept that it isn't healthy and get to the point that you are able to work through it. And that all has to happen before the hard work of therapy starts. I think the way you disengage with love is maybe the best gift any mother has given any child. You are not hiding from the problems or shielding them from them. You refuse to be treated that way or participate in family therapy when it simply isn't going to accomplish anything now but you still send very clear messages that you love them. I would imagine that even after all these years the tweedles are confused by this. Too much early programming to get over until they are far more mature. By not allowing them to treat you like koi and by sticking to your boundaries, you are teaching them that it truly is possible to be upset/angry/unhappy/irritated/frustrated/fed up or feel other non-warm-fuzzy feelings about someone and still love the person. You are teaching them that love is not all cute cuddly kittens and rainbows, but is a roaring mama lioness. [/QUOTE]
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