Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues

[Scent of Cedar *]

How wonderful to love yourself completely enough to set your own style away from conventionalism, to not worry about what others think of you, to establish your own sense of yourself, they are gloriously, completely.
I shall have to work on this.

I think that is what is happening to us, Leafy. In the end, it turns out to be about awareness. About choice. The beautiful dell' Orefice lived poor, as a child; suffered a broken nose and a year long bout with rheumatic fever. Danced with Ballet Russe as a young girl. When she was well again, her muscles had atrophied to the point that the dream of ballet was over.

Yet you see the grace of that dream in the way the woman carries herself to this day.

She lived as she lived and made a pot of money and lost everything in the Bernie Madoff swindle. At 74 or 77 or some other impossible age, she went back to work.

She has had both knees replaced; she suffers from arthritis.

A beautiful woman, and a fortunate one...but how did she create of herself what she did? What must her self talk be, and how does it compare to our own?

http://fashion.telegraph.co.uk/news-features/TMG3364006/Carmen-DellOrefice-eternal-grace.html

Though she was pregnant more than once, she gave birth to only one child.

A daughter.

Her relationships sound as difficult as our own ~ with our children and even, with our men. Yet, she is, or at least, portrays, someone not defeated, but vibrantly alive.

That is where we are going, next.

Vibrantly, beautifully, lovingly alive.

***

A quote from the cited article.

"While she may have enjoyed close friendships with the men she worked with, the same can't be said of her relationship with her daughter, now in her early fifties and working as a therapist in California. Things were never going to be easy for a girl who had a goddess for a mother. As Laura has put it, 'My mother always said, "You have your good looks in your own right," but I never believed her. Because why didn't I have those long legs? And how come my hips and bosom weren't in proportion the way hers were? She was like a Barbie doll to me, and I was just not there.'

'She was coloured by everyone's attitude towards me,' says Dell'Orefice. 'And yet I always said to her, "Your mother's just your mother."' Over the years there have been periods of estrangement, and what sounds like horribly fraught, sporadic contact.

All of which would be enough to etch the face of even the most resilient mother. Dell'Orefice has her share of wrinkles, but she is an intelligent, thoughtful woman who has somehow made peace with her tumultuous past, absolved herself of any feelings of guilt and retained a calm equanimity that shows in her face. Her clear-eyed radiance must surely be underpinned by a long, arduous skincare regime, involving many different unguents and potions. How else would she look so good?"

***

Just for the record, this model goes in for silicone injections routinely, has had her skin abraded almost to the final layer, and has had whatever else that could be done, or that needed doing, done.

But she is still a beautiful woman.

This is where we are going, everyone. To paraphrase: Intelligent, thoughtful women who have somehow made peace with our turbulent pasts; absolved of guilt (can you imagine) and retaining a calm equanimity that shows in our faces.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am wondering if I am on strike from life because I do not want to leave my family. I have wondered that before. My mother is here in my house with me. What remains of her.

"...on strike from life...."

But you did come back, Copa. You came back and protected and defended and cared for; you offered the sister yourself. You opened to her, Copa.

You offered forgiveness, and family.

Copa, do you know the size and shape and color of the things you chose to forgive yours sister for? It's mind-boggling Copa, that you could forgive it but you did.

She insisted things remain as they were; as they had always been. To me, what the sister insists on is that Copa shut up about it and be sacrificed, forever. So the sister will be accepted, and can live, and can be cute and loved and stain free because you remember the love of the real father and she...made another choice.

This enrages me, Copa.

That it happened when you were both little girls is one thing. That the sister should choose to do it to you now, as an adult, makes her an evil, twisted thing. In my eyes, it does. The choice she is making ~ that she knows it, and knows how and why and still chooses it ~ rings of evil and I don't care how many awards she has received for compassion. It is easy to be all kinds of good things when a sister has been made to carry and reflect and incorporate the wrong from the time she was a beautiful little girl weighing no more than thirty to fifty pounds. A long legged colt of a girl, made to serve dysfunction she had no hand in creating and was given no choice in servicing.

That is how brave and strong you are, Copa.

Now is time to heal. None of those things they taught you were true.

***

Even so Copa, you loved your sister enough to make a place for being sisters to happen. She chose the old patterns, long familiar to her and to you. Ridicule-before-witnesses, cynicism and entitlement in every aspect of every single thing including returning your belongings with stains.

And it's so unfair that she did that, Copa.

How hurtful that must have been.

But Copa, that Sister does something reprehensible does not mean you must accept that how she sees you matters. Copa, your beautiful life is your own. You must come to see yourself through your own eyes Copa, and never through the eyes of the abuser, again. And never, ever, to see and accept and believe our abuser's justifications for abusing us, for so gleefully stuffing us into roles guaranteeing their survival and happiness at the cost of our own.

That was always a lie, Copa. Your father would never have countenanced such a thing. He was gone, Copa, and terrible things happened to the daughter he loved above all things; and terrible things happened to him, and his life was not what he would have had it.

But you can step out of the hurt of it, Copa.

***

That stain, Copa. That is why it bothers you so, and it should.

How else might you see the return of that comforter in that condition Copa, than through the abusive sister's eyes?

***

Confronted with your refusal to continue believing with her that she could do no wrong when she was in fact mistreating the mother and stealing her blind, the sister explodes in rage and storms off.

And you feel badly.

And the sister behaves as she does toward M...and you feel badly.

You owe her nothing, Copa.

Yet, you are carrying her shame.

What Sister wants from you Copa is to continue willingly to be that little girl at the bottom of the dungeon in the center of the town. So she can keep being happy, so she can keep being special, and accepted; and so you can bear the stain for both sisters.

There is no stain, Copa.

You are your father's child.

He loved you fiercely ~ loved all of you, fiercely. Bad things happened to him. Bad things happened to the daughter he loved.

Step free of it, Copa.

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Cedar
Up way too early for any good thing to come of it for the day ahead, I am.

But, I have spent the better part of my insomnia, resulting from dropping on the couch in the afternoon hours and falling into a deep sleep too early, only to arise dazed and groggy, to see and respond to, our dear fellow warrior, Feelings post. It distressed me a lot.

In her, I see myself, before. I am be-five now, or maybe even be-six. This I say, because I was at one point, worrying, worrying over my two, an all consuming, twisty turny, swirly whirly of worry. I could not get through the day without thinking of the dire straits they, or my grandchildren, were in.
It was life-preventing for me.
I ranted a bit Cedar, because I see from her posts and writings the struggle. So, I wrestle with my need to share with her, to "spontaneously" respond in hopes that she will go from before-to be-five,be-six, to infinity and beyond. To find peace. But I know that our dear sister Feeling will come to that in her own time.
The peace. The peace that I am finding, even as my mother is so very ill, even though my two are out there, somewhere.
Peace is important.Yes Feeling, I know you are reading this-you deserve peace, and you Copa, and Cedar, and all of us.
This peace appears to be possessed by these older women in the videos and photos.

I think that is what is happening to us, Leafy. In the end, it turns out to be about awareness. About choice. The beautiful dell' Orefice lived poor, as a child; suffered a broken nose and a year long bout with rheumatic fever. Danced with Ballet Russe as a young girl. When she was well again, her muscles had atrophied to the point that the dream of ballet was over.

Yes Cedar, it is awareness and choice. To take whatever life has thrown our way, or throws our way with a certain Je ne sais quoi. Literally "I don't know what". Truly, what do we know?
In the quoting of that, and "Que sera, sera" ,"it is what it is", "there by the grace of G-d go I", the truth of it all is, the simple truth, we can only control our reactions, and we are ultimately responsible for our own self value, self respect. I do believe the work we do in FOO chronicles helps to take us down a different road towards understanding the what, why, how of who we are, and eventually helps us
to become unto our own.

Her relationships sound as difficult as our own ~ with our children and even, with our men. Yet, she is, or at least, portrays, someone not defeated, but vibrantly alive.

That is where we are going, next.


Vibrantly, beautifully, lovingly alive.

Yes, Cedar, this is what I wish for all of us here, and especially for my sister warriors. For as we communicate and expound through cyber space I feel a unique bond. Vibrantly, beautifully, lovingly alive. In spite of FOO, our D c's, the future, alive.
I have come up with a saying, a mantra for myself in the morning,
The past, a lesson, the present, a gift, the future, unknown.

Just for the record, this model goes in for silicone injections routinely, has had her skin abraded almost to the final layer, and has had whatever else that could be done, or that needed doing, done.

But she is still a beautiful woman.

Heh, heh, I said silently to myself, surely she has had some work done, or photoshopped, but, yes, still a beautiful woman. It is not just the outward beauty, but the way she carries herself. Confidence.

This is where we are going, everyone. To paraphrase: Intelligent, thoughtful women who have somehow made peace with our turbulent pasts; absolved of guilt (can you imagine) and retaining a calm equanimity that shows in our faces.

Yes Cedar, that is where we are going.

Here is another beautiful, fascinating woman, that despite many tragedies in life, was completely, awe inspiringly, herself.

To us, and all of those struggling out there, Towanda.
Howl.
Roar.
Ha-the breath of life.

Go steadfastly into your becoming.

Leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I have come up with a saying, a mantra for myself in the morning,
The past, a lesson, the present, a gift, the future, unknown.

I like this very much, Leafy. The past, a lesson.... So, as we have come through the intensity of sharing and pain represented in our FOO Chronicles postings, I stumbled onto something so simply true that I had missed it, all of my life. For one reason or another, and I think the reason is that old bugaboo shame, we see ourselves and our pasts through the emotional tinge of the abuser's interpretations of us. Those truths we learned from their eyes as they justified what they did, to us and to themselves and to everyone in their lives, color our interpretations of us in our pasts and this colors our perceptions of our futures.

Who we believe we are is who we will be.

The past, a lesson....

This is extraordinary. I will be reviewing my memories for the tastes of contempt and shame and disordered thinking and the rotten, rolling abuser eyes. Ha! No wonder I am so mad all the time these days. I have so much to be angry about. Most of it turns out to have been a choice, all along. A choice of vision. Fortunate in that this is true, we can review and rename and resee and reclaim.

:O)

I will be swearing in Chinese waitress/Hawaiian the entire time, you guys.

I can say really bad words and, since I don't know either Hawaiian or Chinese waitress? Never once judge myself for thinking like that.

Now, that's efficiency!















Okay. So...Chinese waitress avatar:



Oh, wait. That is American Cedar avatar.



Ha! YES. This will be Hawaiian / Chinese waitress avatar, because if I knew what I was saying, I would never allow a breath of it.



Cedar

:O)

 

[New Leaf]

Okay, I do not know Chinese, well okay-Kung Hee Fat Choy-(Gung eeee faaa choi)
Happy New Year-stuff like that, but there is a Chinese restaurant I pass all the time with a large gaudy sign above the front door-apparently the name of said establishment
Fook Yuen
(pronunciation entirely up to reader)



I like Hawaiian/Chinese avatar.
Hubs used to have plenty hair, now not so much, kind of the reverse of the animation, heh, heh.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

This peace appears to be possessed by these older women in the videos and photos.

I wonder if it is in the choice made by Dell' Orefice: To fall in love with love. That if we must be addicted to something, let it be to love.

I don't know how to do that, either.

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

Let it be the love of life,
with all it's ups and downs and twisty turnies.
Love of life and ultimately,
love of ourselves.
Not the narcissistic self centered, selfish love.
The all embracing love of
endless possibilities of
coming into our own.

 

[New Leaf]

For some reason this song came to mind.......

"I am I said", to no one there, and no one heard at all, not even the chair.

"I am I cried", "I am" said I

And I am lost

and I can't even say why.

Lets find ourselves warrior sisters.

Good day to you all

Leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Truly, what do we know?
In the quoting of that, and "Que sera, sera" ,"it is what it is", "there by the grace of G-d go I", the truth of it all is, the simple truth, we can only control our reactions, and we are ultimately responsible for our own self value, self respect. I do believe the work we do in FOO chronicles helps to take us down a different road towards understanding the what, why, how of who we are, and eventually helps us
to become unto our own.

Yes.

It has to do with how we perceive.

It has to do with the posts on how families come together around their births and their deaths and their challenges and joys. Every aspect of each of those events is determined by perceptions of self.

In my family of origin, there is a determination that each of us will continue in the rigidity of the roles established to service the initial dysfunction. Truly, those roles did enable a kind of balance and in that sense, did serve the family's survival. The process for us seems to be to recognize the essential disbalance in those roles. Serenity had posted for us a piece of research having to do with role rigidity in dysfunctional families.

That is a key, for us.

It is not that the family of origin was defective. It is that the family was damaged ~ that the family came through the generations bearing the disbalances of the generations that came before. Roles were required, and role rigidity was required, for the family to function in the face of the hurt in what was. To the degree that we are functioning from a role, we are not free. (And we all function from our roles, sometimes. Our professional roles are one example. It is not a question then, of role assumption being a wrongness. It is a question of role rigidity versus role fluidity. Fluid. Present. Centered, and able to move freely, to respond to the current situation sincerely, and not from a role.)

It is not just the outward beauty, but the way she carries herself. Confidence.

Reading between the lines in the article cited, the difference between this woman strong enough to claim and believe in her beauty and in her value as a human person, and the dependency assumed in most eighty year olds seems to be...humility. Arthritis, knee replacement, loss of all her money in her mid-seventies. And yet somehow, she is not a beggar.

Did not see herself as a beggar, did not take that on.

So, did not see herself as a victim.

That is the difference. As angry as I have been over what happened, to my children and to all of us...I saw myself (and my children, too) as victims. Of circumstance or of my parenting or of a thousand other things.

So, I don't know what the lesson is here, but I do know that attitude of humility in the sense that Dell' Orefice did not say "Why me poor me I cannot".

I think she never said "Why me."

That is the difference.

Here is another beautiful, fascinating woman, that despite many tragedies in life, was completely, awe inspiringly, herself.

What illness did she have, Leafy? Had there been some question of sexual identity as a young woman?

Perhaps I will begin to paint. To begin taking photographs, and to paint.

And to write.

And to not say "Why me", anymore.

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

"Early Life
Artist Frida Kahlo was born Magdalena Carmen Frieda Kahlo y Calderón on July 6, 1907, in Coyocoán, Mexico City, Mexico. Considered one of Mexico’s greatest artists, Frida Kahlo began painting after she was severely injured in a bus accident.

Kahlo grew up in the family’s home where she was born -- later referred as the Blue House or Casa Azul. Her father, Wilhelm (also called Guillermo), was a German photographer who had immigrated to Mexico where he met and married her mother Matilde. She had two older sisters, Matilde and Adriana, and her younger sister, Cristina, was born the year after Frida.

Around the age of 6, she contracted polio, which caused her to be bedridden for nine months. While she did recover from the illness, she limped when she walked because the disease had damaged her right leg and foot. Her father encouraged her to play soccer, go swimming, and even wrestle -- highly unusual moves for a girl at the time -- to help aid in her recovery."

A prolific artist, Frida was intense pain from her accident, her entire life......very interesting lady......

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Fook Yuen
(pronunciation entirely up to reader)

I think it means "I love Chinese food. Please pass the noodles."

:O)

Cedar

Ha! Very clever, Leafy!

So, did you guys know those take out cartons Chinese food comes in were designed to be folded out into a dinner plate?

 

[New Leaf]

http://www.biography.com/people/frida-kahlo-9359496#synopsis

 

[New Leaf]

Yes, the ever clever Chinese, hate waste.

Hawaiians call them "Pake" (Pahkay)

To be frugal with your spending is to be Pake.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Let it be the love of life,
with all it's ups and downs and twisty turnies.
Love of life and ultimately,
love of ourselves.
Not the narcissistic self centered, selfish love.
The all embracing love of
endless possibilities of
coming into our own.

I like this very much, Leafy.

Let it be the love of life. That is the power of our choice, right? Like Frankl. Let it be the love of life. Let that be the choice.

Narcissistic: I have posted this before, but I read somewhere that narcissism is an unrequited love affair with the self. That word, unrequited, speaks to the desperate aloneness of the sufferer.

The all-embracing love
endless possibilities

Remember that old show starring Keith Carradine? He was a Shaolin monk. He wandered the world with nothing. Maybe, that is what it is, to be present in the moment; to be in the Now.

That is what this poetry has me thinking about, this morning.

I love martial arts philosophy. Did you know that, Leafy?

I took a class last summer after some years away. There were children in the class. A nine year old brat boy popped me repeatedly in the ribs. I dropped the class. One should not be teaching nine year old boys to pop grandmothers in the ribs.

I could have used my longer legs to kick brat boy in the pants, but I didn't.

I may discuss that concept with that instructor at some point. Little boys should not be giving grandmothers rib chops. It's rude, and a moral wrongness.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

To be frugal with your spending is to be Pake.

That is a good and courageous thing to be, in this time of secure excess where enough is never enough, and things can be mistaken for something that matters.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Copa, good morning, when you come on. I have Tai Chi this afternoon, so I won't be back until tomorrow.

Cedar

I think we did good work this morning.

:O)

 

[New Leaf]

Remember that old show starring Keith Carradine? He was a Shaolin monk. He wandered the world with nothing. Maybe, that is what it is, to be present in the moment; to be in the Now.

That is what this poetry has me thinking about, this morning.

I love martial arts philosophy. Did you know that, Leafy?

Yes Cedar, we watched that show. I saw by the philosophers you shared on CD, the Asian influence.
Grasshopper, if you can snatch this pebble from my hand......

I may discuss that concept with that instructor at some point. Little boys should not be giving grandmothers rib chops. It's rude, and a moral wrongness.

Yes indeed. That is what I think of the new aged teaching. The children fill out surveys, rating the teachers.
Isn't that something? Do they not think some of these children will rate their teachers poorly, due to a grudge, some childish prank, to repay the teacher for giving homework?
How far we have come from teaching values and respect.

Rib chop from a little boy to a grandmother. Ha! I would have grabbed his leg and flipped that son-of a gun. Let them ban me from the dojo- Hiiiyah!

 

[Copabanana]

I want to comment upon the 2 fashionista videos, first. How I love them!! I watched them each several times and can imagine watching them infinitely more times. Each time I see more. Of myself. And what I can be.

And, Cedar, how much I enjoyed the Carmen biography. I have followed her too. I did not know about her relationship with her daughter. Bittersweet, it is. There must be great love there, too.

I woke up late. So much to digest here. I have not yet done one thing in real life.

I want to note another dream I had. I am in some responsible role which is unclear. There is a young girl from a non-specific patriarchal society for whom I am responsible. Perhaps Iraqi or one of the satellite Southern Russian nations that are fighting for independence.

I cannot remember clearly. I should have written it right away. There is a way that the child is seeking or is needing protection and emancipation.

My ex-psychiatrist is in a role where he is needed to sign off on papers that will assist the child.

There is a sheaf of papers that need completing. There is some struggle with the parents and community which is quite close knit. The struggle is between keeping the child close-in, and protecting her. At some point the father cooperates minimally.

The child brings a bag of marijuana to the class *which is empty except for she and I. I panic and try to secret it in a drawer, with the paperwork which is now partially completed and signed.

Simultaneous to this dream, the psychiatrist has a party for the staff. His house is on the water and is very elegant, in a town called San Anselmo. He as a boat. There is the idea that he is inviting the staff (whoever they are) to see how the better half lives. To allow them to experience the privilege of his life, for that short period.

I am aware in the dream about the girl that there is the question of imposing dominant group ideas and values onto another culture. That her family's and community's values are to be respected in how they define a girl's role. This is in struggle with the desire of the girl to define herself and grow. And her need to be respected and protected.

The battle inside of me, is great. I remember that.

There is the sense of danger and anger--from her community who at some point become enraged and threatening. The girl is unafraid. I am.

I need to bring M his lunch. I will be back.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

You guys. I do not want you to worry. For the sake of harmony and fair place I will go early tomorrow morning with M to the other house to work all day.

I had the guts today to tell him I would wish we could eat together but with the TV turned off. He always escalates everything so he said he would watch NO TV. That he only does so because I am on the computer.

So I said, OK. I will back off the computer some. So for Friday and Saturday I will work with him and try to just check in.

I will miss all of you. Just two days, and I will check in a little bit each day. But it is in the sake of our future together (yours and mine) that I do this.

Thank you, all.

Cedar, thank you so for the post about my sister. And I. I agree with each and every word. I feel like a different person. With such a wonderful future ahead of me. G-d willing.

Thank you all.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

I will miss you Copa but this is a good thing. I have to put a limit too, everyone is so fascinating and wonderful, it is hard to stop the clicking.

So now when we open up CD it will be like Christmas with all of the posts piled up.

Take care Copa I will be thinking of you in your glamorous outfits!
Leafy