Returning to the fold

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mara11, Feb 9, 2009.

  1. Mara11

    Mara11 mara11

    Wow..I'm falling back in here after nearly 10 years. S3 was newly diagnosed ODD when I found this site and now he's 17. I remember reading all of the posting by parents of the young children and recognizing my son, I had hoped I would not find myself here and recognizing him as a teen, but here I am, back again. I'm exhausted, used up and spit out, but still loving my son til it hurts. I thought his older brothers with plain old ADHD/ADD wore me out, but this is something well beyond anything they ever put out.

    Over the years, we've seen a diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes, had long running IEP's, gone from school to school trying to re-organize and survive each grade until this year he was asked to leave an alternative school that has worked wonders for so many kids, but not him. We've given up on public school entirely. I know I'm PTSD from it..he's just been released from a cage. Man did I get tired of teachers rolling their eyes when I mentioned ODD..grrrr right? So, here we are, no school going on, not even a GED, no job, badly maintained diabetes (which is such a lovely compliment to the ODD attitude), mostly not living at home because living with people who have parents that party with them and don't pay attention to whether he's about to go into a diabetic coma is so much better, realizing there are oh so many small things missing from the house, did I mention lots of Weed smoked..yep that too. No arrests so far. No trips to the hospital so far. Lexapro helps him enough to keep him from Cutting/Burning (that was and still is a major concern and scares the **** out of me when I discover it), but he doesn't take it consitently..interferes with the Weed don'tcha know. We've done counseling of different types..but an ODD kid learns quickly how to charm anyone in authority if he wants them to leave him alone. We have holes in doors and walls where he's had anxiety fits and stabbed at them with pointed objects. He's never physically gone after me. He overly attaches to people he thinks he loves and then unattaches just as quickly. He's smart when he wants to be, charming when he needs to be, amazing when he holds a new baby, good looking and undoing himself at every turn.

    I'm empty. Can I lay down in here and rest for a bit?
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Mara,

    Yes, of course you can lay down here and take a rest.

    ODD can be diagnosed alone but tends to be co-morbid with something else. Throw in anxiety, cutting/burning, rage and clearly your son is dealing with more. Unfortunately he's at the stage where he won't listen or be compliant so it's no wonder you are exhausted. I imagine he is, too.

    I've been hanging around here for 10 years...what was your old screen name?

  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Mara and welcome "home". ;)

    I wish I had some advice or suggestions, but I'm in the same sinking boat right now. I agree with Suz that the collection of behaviors suggest possibly something more going on (mood disorder would be my bias - but only my bias based on my own kid), but of course compliance and cooperation with treatment are just way too much to expect.

    My difficult child will be 18 in less than a month now, and I feel like we're standing on the brink of a bottomless pit. I wish I knew how to get our kids connected with their own lives - but it seems impossible at the moment. I honestly didn't think this is where we'd be after 15 years of therapy, 9 years of out-of-home placement, medications, hospitalizations, etc. Somehow I just thought it would have turned out better.

    You're not alone. I have such fear (ok, terror actually) over what my kid is doing to himself (drugs, self-harm), and the frustration at not being able to do a doggone thing about is just about killing me. I would think your son's diabetic issues only magnify your fears, rightly - I'm so sorry that you're going thru this.

    I don't know what the answer is, or even if there is one. For today anyway, my plan is to keep reaching out to folks in similar situations so that husband and I are supported (first NA mtg is tomorrow nite), and keep trying to gently point my kid in a better direction while raising the alarm (daily, LOL) with the various agencies involved in his care.

    Anyway - welcome back! Glad you found us again. :)
  4. judi

    judi Active Member

    Mara - welcome back. I'm sorry things haven't turned out better.

    We all thought we had it hard when our kids were little but little did we know that things could get so much worse!
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome. Please, come in and lay down. We have very soft blankets and pillows and just the perfect mattresses for you. Take as long a rest as you need. We are here for you anytime.

    You have been through one heck of a wringer. It is probably time to do some "parental maintenance" and make sure YOU and DAD (if dad is in the picture) are supported. I think NA meetings would be an awesome support.

    I also think that ODD doesn't explain what is going on, but at this point finding out what is going on is probably not going to happen. Not as well as he can work the docs.(grrrr, I hate that so many of hte docs are so gullible).

    Be gentle to yourself. I have heard that NAMI meetings can be very supportive and helpful also. Take time to take care of YOU. Whatever works to soothe your soul, now is a time you need to do that.

    Rest here as long as you like. I will bring you a drink and turn down the lights.
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Mara--sorry you're back, but glad you remembered this soft place to land. I have been there done that. I just had to let go and let my son really hit bottom before he got better. He has 19, sat in jail for 28 days, and was let out only because his grandfather died. He still smokes pot, but the stealing, lying, and defiance is completely gone. He has his GED. He has taken some college courses. He is working fulltime and doing a great job. At 20/ 21 in May, he is finally growing into the man I knew he could be. But, getting there...whoah...what a journey.
  7. Kolleen

    Kolleen Guest

    I think that's the hardest part about all this........ it doesn't end. We don't really get a break. That's what I've begun to resent. I want a life without all this horrible stress and worry.

    Just had the best 2.5 mo in 10yrs., cause i Kicked him out again in Oct. Now his "recycling mess" is starting all over. Getting fired, no money.

    I did attend some Alanon meetings for the couple months leading up to the kick-out. I was so terrified of how horrible it might be. Tired of going to meetings, but supportive. I want my life - not his!

    Hang in there though. Try to keep yourself distracted with things you enjoy and refill your soul. For me it becomes all about distractions to forget about the worrying.

    It's all about letting go! Stay strong!
  8. Mara11

    Mara11 mara11

    Nope, no dad in picture. He's out there, but we divorced before the first diagnosis. No ODD isn't the only thing, but it is the behaviours that end up being oppositional. Kinda runs in the males in our family too, along with addiction and a weeee tiny attention problem..shiny prettyyy and the ever present hard depressions.

    I see you are also in the same State. I work in a foster care agency. Besides dealing locally with my own kids, I'm having an impossible time seeing much help being spread in our State for kiddos in the school systems with any emotional disorder diagnosis.

    I go back to my own counselor this week. Over the years I've seriously considered Alanon meetings, but when I look for groups in town I'm not too endeared with them. Just going to my very own counselor to deal with my very own stuff is a wonderful luxury. My son may not appreciate a good counseling session, but I sure do!
  9. Mara11

    Mara11 mara11

    Gosh Suz, I can't even begin to remember my old name. I didn't really post, but I read and read and had all kinds of lightbulbs go off. I remember the first time I read about someone's baby boy doing something that S3 had done at that same age and realizing I really wasn't alone and that this ODD business wasn't like ADD/ADHD. This was something evident from birth with consistent behaviours for most of these kiddos. Here we are still with kiddos doing the large scale equivalent of pretending their head is a steam shovel and bashing into everything they can find, while we hide sharp objects and put locks on doors..well we still lock doors huh?

    I'm very glad that when I have come back so many of you are still here and are now heading up this particular forum for those of us dealing with the long side of it all. (At the time most folks had little ones and no experience of teens or adults they care for).
  10. Mara11

    Mara11 mara11

    Gads I am enjoying the silence in the house and getting sleep, especially after hitting my own personal bottom. I believe I'm slowly inching my way into finding out what it is going to be like with weeks of non-communication. I'm not sure I'm quite ready for it in the worry over safety department, but then I'm beyond ready for it too.

    I know all we can really do is take care of ourselves first, but this cycle of panic and frustration is a tough one to break huh?
  11. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Welcome back Mara.........we are for you........and hopefully still that soft place to land. We are all fatigued and exhausted, yet we still come together on this board to support each other. It is a wonderful place.

    Let us know how we can help. I am sorry you are still going through such hell with difficult child.
    Hugs and strength
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome back. I have been here for 10 years too. In fact, this is my 10 year anniversary! It is a good place. I am with Everywoman. I have been through the wringer with mine but I think we are turning the corner now. He could be fooling me but he is out on his own now and things are going a whole lot better. Now I am watching the next generation with baited breath to see if they won the lottery and these genes skipped