Rinse, Repeat

[New Leaf]

Hi all,
I was hoping to post the good news that one of my wayward daughters was starting to turn around.
Again.
I think this is Tornados 4th go at rehab. She was sounding different on phone calls, excited at the classes she was taking and rediscovering ways to think and react. Writing letters that sounded more like her old self. No expectation for goods delivered. “Mom I need this and that..”Etc. I was cautiously optimistic. Found out yesterday that she left the facility the night before. Sigh. I cried. I am sad and the old worries seep in that if she uses after being clean……could mean the end for her. I’m trying not to go there, erase those thoughts with prayer and remind myself that I can’t want recovery for her more than she wants it for herself. It is a bitter pill to swallow. Loving an addict is extremely painful. Learning to be able to connect (with my guard up, that is) without getting overly attached, and then deal with inevitable relapses, then feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me once more, well, that’s a tough one. Trying to catch myself and process my emotions. It’s a strange space to be in. I have been at this juncture so many times before. It’s like that feeling of a slip and fall, when you are caught off guard and your body is careening towards the ground and for a split second, everything goes to slow motion before you hit the ground. Except that it’s not slow, it happens really fast and your’e on the ground wondering what the heck happened and know you are going to feel the after affects for the next few days.
Well, as a side note, I did recently fall on one of my mountain workdays, slipped on a hidden branch, left leg went sideways, right leg doubled up under me, tweaked my knee, bent my big toe, slammed my wrist and hand, managed to save my face, but peed myself on impact. Fortunately, I didn’t break any bones, though I am a bit achy, and well, my pride took a whooping.
And so it is, again. An actual physical fall, followed by an emotional dive into sorrow and disappointment from my daughters’ choice. I am hoping that I can recover without too much vexation and visits to the edge of the rabbit hole, but there is that gnawing in my stomach as I try to gather my thoughts, protect my heart, and not travel to the deep end of….this.
Sigh.
I wonder if I should just let go and be a blubbering mess for a few days. But in all honesty, what good would it do? Release the pain, yes, but again to be truthful, I am feeling the scars of living with this reality for so long. As if I am all cried out, you know? Am I fooling myself, have I gone cold? Or, has this played out so many times that it is just, so damn predictable.
Rain is still out there, she showed up a couple of times, a few months back, wanting a shower and clothes. Her hands and feet are dark and red, she said she was diagnosed with a fungal infection in her blood. She refuses to go to the hospital for treatment. Doesn’t want to change her “lifestyle”.
So, I am back to square one of trying to focus on the memories and joy of raising my two wayward daughters, from babes, to realizing they are adults who have made terrible choices that I have absolutely no control over, and giving them back to God. It is too much for me to handle. The sadness, the waste of mind, health, life. (I’m rereading that statement) it applies to me as well, the many times I tried desperately to “help” my two, only to find myself slipping into the quicksand, just stuck in the misery of their choices. It was a waste of my own mind, health and life. Please, Lord watch over them and lead them to their inner light. And me too, please help me to deal with this.
I am blessed with three well children, nine grands and four great grands. So, redirecting my heart and focus on to such blessings will be my goal to cover over the pain of my two daughters unfortunate choices.
Raising my now teenaged granddaughter has been a challenge and joy, watching her blossom into a lovely, strong young teen (she is now 15) has been a beautiful distraction from her mothers’ and aunties’ wayward direction. She has taught me much in the way she has handled the ups, downs and sideways of loving an addict. “Tutu, you just have to let Mom figure it out for herself.”
I’m sure she is hurting in her own way, but has this stoic determination to focus on her own life. Hopefully, she will continue on a good path.
Well, there is my update. I wish I could have written that Tornado was still in rehab and doing well and that Rain is off the streets, but there it is. Black and white. They will have to continue to write their own journey, and I will continue to hope for the best and pray for them.
What will be, will be.
Love to all
Mahalo for following along.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[lovemysons]

Yes…New Leaf loving an addict truly is extremely painful. It is a roller coaster ride that is never fun. Consisting of tears and prayer with the occasional glimmer of hope. But mostly Tears prayer and fears.

I am so sorry to hear that your Tornado is out there again.

I do understand getting to that place for yourself where you’ve had enough or even feel like you might have grown cold from all the years of pain and suffering.

In March of 2021 I had had enough of the addict adult child’s continued choices to turn toward the drugs.
Jarod had just gotten out of another hospital stay after being found psychotic from drugs. I gave him one more chance to come home and get well. I got him a bus ticket and sent a new ID to him along with a $100 bill for him to eat on and have a place to stay until his bus arrived. He got everything delivered to him through the hospital. I was expecting him in our town that week. Sigh. His bus came and left without him on it. He had taken the $100 and bought drugs only to end up in a hospital again. He called me from the hospital apologizing. I told him I was done. Not to call me for 6 months. That would be September 1st 2021. I told him to get off drugs and get his life together. I told him I will love you forever but I can’t keep going through this. It is too painful.

He called me several times over the next few months leaving voicemails insisting I answer his calls but I didn’t.

On September 1st when he didn’t call and I hadn’t heard from him in awhile I filed a missing persons report. He was found a few days later when a police officer called me and told me he had “just helped himself to some wine at a store” he stole from. I asked them to have him call me.

He went to the hospital and had COViD. The hospital set him up in a motel for a few weeks and brought him meals. A sober girl he had met at a hospital once (who loved Jarod very much) went to visit him and brought him cigarettes and a phone to call me.

We talked over those 2 months. He had gotten out of the hospital and was brought back to Napa where he started out, where his friend girl lived that loved him. He was expecting a check from the Choctaw nation for a $1,000 which would be coming in soon to my house in Oklahoma. Jarod was in California.

He did drugs once again and end up in the hospital once again. I knew time was running out. It was the week and half before Thanksgiving. His friend had bought him a new phone and once again he was released from the hospital. I have saved all our texts from this phone calls conversations and have had them laminated.

I was just waiting on that Indian debit card to get him a new bus ticket home. He never made it.
I suspect he had been selling the phones he was given for drugs.

On Thanksgiving morning 2021 his estranged wife called me and told me to go sit in the garage and light a cigarette.
2 police officers had just come to her mom’s home where she lives with their kids (my grandchildren) and told her to call the sheriffs department in Napa regarding Jarod. I was in shock! Had my worst fears just come true???
I yelled for my dear husband to come to the phone and told him he and Jarod’s estranged wife needed to make a 3 way call. They did.
My husband then told me “he died this morning.”

New Leaf…if I hadn’t been in some kind of contact with Jarod before he died I know I would have regretted it. It was so hard for me to go through those 6 months with no contact but I had tried everything else under the sun.

Losing a child is a mother’s worst nightmare. But I am living proof that it can be survived. Maybe not very well for the first year. I still talk to Jarod all of the time. We were very close. In fact, closer than my other 2 children who I also love dearly. But Jarod was different. He had mental illness like me. He was a deep thinker. A writer. A philosopher. I’m so glad he knew God. I do believe I’ll see him again someday when it is my turn.

Like you, I have my grandchildren to concentrate on. I talk to them about the importance of hopefully never getting hooked on a drug if they ever in their lives decide to try one or experiment with their peers. I will give the laminated conversations their dad and I had in text the week before he died to them someday.

I am so glad to hear your granddaughter is so resilient. Out of the mouths of babe’s. Yes…her addict mom and your addict child must figure this out for themselves.
A mother’s love and tears is not enough to save the addict. They have to want recovery as you say more than you do.

I know it hurts like hell living this life of addiction limbo for years with your addict child. I no longer live with that pain. Only forever missing my Jarod and longing to see him again.
I pray your Tornado will want recovery more than a drug someday before her time runs out.
You are not in control of this anymore than I was.
I so wish our love was enough. I know you like myself have given your all.

(((Hugs)))
LMS

 

[Kalahou]

Aloha Leaf,

I’ve had you in mind so often. Loving you with all pule and mana’o. One lanai place I was at last week had a Pue’o garden sculpture standing / symbolizing protection over the area, and it reminded me of you and your avatar.

I stand with you Sistah and the struggles you are having. How we all relate to each other! We all know so well how hard this is, but we get through it just for today , one day at a time, taking care of ourselves.

I come to this site often for support, but have not posted in such a long time. Mainly because right now, my son is a few years in HCF, so I do not have the daily despair in my face / knocking me down each day. It is a relief for me and I am thankful for it. I do speak with son periodically in 5 minute calls. But until now, he has never expressed remorse for crimes and addiction or a desire for change, so I’m still so fearful thinking ahead to when he gets out, and how I will really not be able to go through these things again. Hubs is already in 80s. While I try to stay thankful, the thought of him getting out and “rinse / repeat” fills me with a sinking dread. But at the same time, I keep hope alive. In my daily walks in different areas, I can see views of the quarry in the pali behind HCF and even rainbows in the valley, and I lift my heart with some vibes of gratitude and try to understand and find meaning.

I give thanks for your ohana folks that support you and bring joy. I'm with you in spirit, Tita. Aloha kakou. Stay pono.
Take care. Bless. Kalahou

 

[Deni D]

Ladies, I have no words, just sending love and support to you.

 

[New Leaf]

Aloha LMS,
Thank you so much for your kind response and sharing your story. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. I am glad you were able to connect with him before his passing.

I told him I was done. Not to call me for 6 months. That would be September 1st 2021. I told him to get off drugs and get his life together. I told him I will love you forever but I can’t keep going through this. It is too painful.

I went no contact with Tornado for awhile. She was in jail again after leaving rehab. I was so broken hearted and tired. I knew that I needed to take a break and rebuild my self. I was angry too, LMS, angry that she had so callously tossed away her own children, her family, in search of that high. I needed time and space to work through my own feelings. I’m sure you did too.

We talked over those 2 months.

This is a precious memory.

New Leaf…if I hadn’t been in some kind of contact with Jarod before he died I know I would have regretted it. It was so hard for me to go through those 6 months with no contact but I had tried everything else under the sun.

I understand going no contact and how hard that is. But sometimes we need space to regroup in order to keep our sanity. My daughter once told me that I needed to accept her as is, accept her addiction. I told her that I could accept that she is an addict, but not her choices and degraded living. I had to give her to God, because dealing with it was slowly killing me, day by day. I know she was asking me for some sort of connection even when she is actively using. I have a hard time with that LMS. I am still working on what that would look like. Your experience and a similar one shared by an old friend who lost her son last year, bode me to re-examine my boundaries. It is something I have pondered over for awhile now. But, I have to put my safety and health in the forefront. I am so very glad that you were able to have contact with Jarod before he passed.

Losing a child is a mother’s worst nightmare. But I am living proof that it can be survived. Maybe not very well for the first year. I still talk to Jarod all of the time. We were very close.

Losing a child is a nightmare. I have felt in many ways that we as mothers of addicts have been grieving loss for a long time. What a severe blow to your heart LMS, I am so sorry for the pain of it. The first year of losing our loved ones is so difficult to navigate.

Like you, I have my grandchildren to concentrate on. I talk to them about the importance of hopefully never getting hooked on a drug if they ever in their lives decide to try one or experiment with their peers. I will give the laminated conversations their dad and I had in text the week before he died to them someday.

Our living children and grandchildren are such a blessing. I’m sure your grands will appreciate that memory of their dad when they are ready to receive it.

A mother’s love and tears is not enough to save the addict. They have to want recovery as you say more than you do.

So very true.

I know it hurts like hell living this life of addiction limbo for years with your addict child. I no longer live with that pain. Only forever missing my Jarod and longing to see him again.

I am so sorry LMS.

I pray your Tornado will want recovery more than a drug someday before her time runs out.
You are not in control of this anymore than I was.
I so wish our love was enough. I know you like myself have given your all.

Yes, I have given my all in many ways. Some ways too much. I am still learning how to find my own recovery and to keep healthy boundaries while thinking of connection. But, that will be determined by circumstances and my own and my granddaughters health and well being.
Thank you so much for sharing LMS. Your love and kindness shines through your post. Please stay well. Again, my heartfelt condolences.
Love and hugs
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Aloha nui Kalahou,
Mahalo dear tita for your words and sharing your current situation.

I’ve had you in mind so often. Loving you with all pule and mana’o. One lanai place I was at last week had a Pue’o garden sculpture standing / symbolizing protection over the area, and it reminded me of you and your avatar.

I too have thought of you. I often repeat the message you received so vividly “You are going to be alright.” There really is no other option than to be alright is there?

I stand with you Sistah and the struggles you are having. How we all relate to each other! We all know so well how hard this is, but we get through it just for today , one day at a time, taking care of ourselves.

One day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time.

I come to this site often for support, but have not posted in such a long time. Mainly because right now, my son is a few years in HCF, so I do not have the daily despair in my face / knocking me down each day. It is a relief for me and I am thankful for it. I do speak with son periodically in 5 minute calls. But until now, he has never expressed remorse for crimes and addiction or a desire for change, so I’m still so fearful thinking ahead to when he gets out, and how I will really not be able to go through these things again. Hubs is already in 80s.

I do understand the “relief” of knowing Tornado is in jail. Hearing her voice every so often. When she is out there, she goes off the radar. That is hard. I hope your son has an epiphany before his release. Whether or not that happens, I hope you are able to ease your mind and be at peace. Hubs in his 80s, May KeAkua bless him with good health and peace of mind.

While I try to stay thankful, the thought of him getting out and “rinse / repeat” fills me with a sinking dread. But at the same time, I keep hope alive. In my daily walks in different areas, I can see views of the quarry in the pali behind HCF and even rainbows in the valley, and I lift my heart with some vibes of gratitude and try to understand and find meaning.

Gratitude is certainly the way to lift us up from that sinking dread. I do believe there is meaning to everything.

I give thanks for your ohana folks that support you and bring joy. I'm with you in spirit, Tita. Aloha kakou. Stay pono.
Take care. Bless. Kalahou

I am so thankful for my ohana. I hope you have as much support dear Kalahou. I’m with you in spirit as well. Mahalo nui for your kindness. Malama pono,
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Ladies, I have no words, just sending love and support to you.

Thank you so much Deni for your love and support and for carrying on the mission and vision.
New Leaf

 

[Crayola13]

The fungal infection sounds concerning. I hope she was given some medication and is taking it.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Crayola,

The fungal infection sounds concerning. I hope she was given some medication and is taking it.

It is extremely concerning. I don’t know if Rain has followed up or not. A few years ago, she was hospitalized for a bad infection in her leg. I didn’t find out until she called me after being in for a week with iv antibiotics. I visited her and encouraged her to get help, get off the streets. I know the hospital social worker was trying to help her. When I was driving to visit her the next day, I got a call from her nurse asking me if I was picking her up. (That was the story she told them). I replied “No, I am just coming to visit.” She told me my daughter left against medical advice. Somehow, Rain survived that episode, showed up at my home a month later, leg still swollen, but refused medical attention. It is exasperating, especially since hubs passed after bouts with sepsis. I am writing this with an overwhelming sense of sadness, but I also have to set boundaries with my emotional response for my sanity and health. Deep breaths and prayers. I have absolutely no control over my 44 year old daughters choices. All I can do is love her and pray that one day she finds her light again. It is a delicate balance we walk, this journey of dealing with our beloved wayward adult children’s decisions. She has been on the streets for near 10 years now. I don’t know how she manages the hardships she has endured, in order to survive out there. I can’t imagine it for myself, no less any of my children. Tornado asked me why I don’t seek her sister out. I don’t feel it is safe for me to go to the parks she frequents looking for her, amongst the tents and street folk. Her well sister and husband would go to her a few years ago, bring her canned goods, food, blankets. They tried to connect with her and encourage her to get help. She didn’t want to change her way of living.
Sigh.
I have given her to God and ask in prayer that he reach her heart. That is all I can do. Hubs and I spent many many years trying to help our two. I did not realize the toll that took on my two youngest, as well as our marriage. We were all drowning in the muck of their choices and quickly degrading lifestyles. I’m sorry, Crayola, I am venting. Perhaps again, I am writing to myself, to that inner voice that pokes me to “do something”. To that feeling of guilt that “Maybe I could go and try to find her, try to get her to get treatment.” But……..
I do have responsibility to keep myself sane, safe and healthy to care for myself and my granddaughter. That is where I stand.
It is not an easy stance.
Truth be told-parts of me are dying with the emotional toll of this. I read something the other day that basically said “You cannot carry the old you that dealt with trauma. You must deal with it, process it, but also remake yourself into a new you to move forward.”
That is a daily struggle. With each new challenge that loving my two wayward daughters brings, I cannot repeat past mistakes. I cannot follow their path into the storm. I can only pray and hope that God will be their lighthouse and guide them to safe shores, and that they will open their hearts and minds and remember their true selves.
Sorry, I just “vomited” all over the place. Sigh.

I have much to do, to calm myself and somehow find peace.

Much love to all you fellow warriors who walk this path. May God strengthen us and guide us.

(((Hugs)))
Leaf

 

[newstart]

New Leaf, Each time I see your name on a new post I am always hopeful that you have good news to share. This latest mess is really hard to take. I am so sorry. There are so many times I have read that 'detaching' article that we talk about on this forum but no matter how hard we try our mommy hearts go back to knowing these are our babies no matter what their ages. I understand your words to the core of my being. It is so hard on the soul.
I hope you recover quickly from that fall and really glad to hear no bones were broken. I wonder if you still have the two hens and eat fresh eggs? I bet that puts some joy into your life. I am going to hope on to hope that your girls will finally have the strength to stop using and start growing and enjoying life. This is prayed for you. Please God hear our prayers. I pray that soon your post will have good news. Amen.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Newstart,
Thank you very much for your prayers and kind thoughts.

New Leaf, Each time I see your name on a new post I am always hopeful that you have good news to share. This latest mess is really hard to take. I am so sorry.

It is hard, but also part of this journey. I have come to understand that it may take several stints at rehabs for recovery, and relapse is quite common. Sigh. It is still hard.

There are so many times I have read that 'detaching' article that we talk about on this forum but no matter how hard we try our mommy hearts go back to knowing these are our babies no matter what their ages. I understand your words to the core of my being. It is so hard on the soul.

I don’t think I will ever completely “detach” from any of my children. I would be fooling myself to think that possible. I can go no contact, stop enabling, but I will always feel a connection.

I hope you recover quickly from that fall and really glad to hear no bones were broken.

I am feeling a bit better, thank you Newstart. I am so glad I didn’t break anything! That would have been awful!

I wonder if you still have the two hens and eat fresh eggs?

I had a terrible thing happen to my hens two years ago. Loose dogs in the neighborhood got into my coop and killed them. It was awful and I haven’t the gumption yet to start anew. I miss them and their yummy eggs. (Good Lord I feel like “Calamity Jane”)

I am going to hope on to hope that your girls will finally have the strength to stop using and start growing and enjoying life. This is prayed for you. Please God hear our prayers. I pray that soon your post will have good news. Amen.

Thank you so much Newstart for your prayers. I do believe prayers are very powerful. I pray for peace and joy in your life.
Hugs
Leaf

 

[Crayola13]

I’ve read that it takes some people up to four times in rehab to stay off drugs, but after the fourth time, the addict might soon relapse. The good news is that is their last relapse because they suddenly decide to quit in their own. After that point, they don’t use ever again.

Homelessness is another issue. Even if she stays off drugs, she may still decide to be homeless. Some people just don’t see the point in living a conventional lifestyle.

“Why pay rent when you can stay in a warm tent for free? I love staying up all night with my peeps!”

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Crayola,
I’ve read up on rehabs and relapses as well. I know the latest place Tornado was in is very intense. Like a boot camp. Who knows why she left after telling me she liked the program? She has a bench warrant out again, she was in a pilot program called “Woman’s Court” that focuses on addiction. She was mandated to go to rehab. I don’t know what is in store for her if/when they find her. For now I am processing the joy/ trepidation of this most recent attempt. Got to stop circular thinking and focus on the day by day.

I’ve read that it takes some people up to four times in rehab to stay off drugs, but after the fourth time, the addict might soon relapse. The good news is that is their last relapse because they suddenly decide to quit in their own. After that point, they don’t use ever again.

I hope this is the case but who knows?

Homelessness is another issue. Even if she stays off drugs, she may still decide to be homeless. Some people just don’t see the point in living a conventional lifestyle.

I think both my daughters have been on the streets so long that they are used to this way of life.

“Why pay rent when you can stay in a warm tent for free? I love staying up all night with my peeps!”

Tornado once told me that street life is a selfish way of living. Not thinking of how her choices affect her family, just living for the next high. I can only hope and pray that one day she will tire of it and come to her senses. Until then, I will keep battling to recover from the sadness of it and focus on my family who are making good choices. One day at a time. Hubs and I spent many years focusing on the chaos and drama of our two wayward girls. They will do as they please. While I will always pray for them and love them dearly, it is time to focus on finding joy and creating memories with my other adult children and grands! Thank you Crayola for taking the time to post. I appreciate your thoughts and kindness.
(((Hugs)))
Leaf