Saw difficult child

[toughlovin]

Hi all....so i arrived yesterday. Went to dinner with difficult child last night. He seems kind of depressed and complained a lot about the rules at the sober house. He seems ok but i am worried because it does not feel to me at all that he is really embracing recovery....and he sounds like he wants to come back North which i think is a bad bad idea. However it doesnt sound like he is planning that immediately. He did say he was feeling complacent....now there are not pressing issues ( like jail or homelessness) .

To me he feels lost and not sure quite what to do. It worries me and yet i hqve to let him find his way. I did say he seems angry and he agreed...i told him he needs to figure out what that is about because he tends to get angry and then do somerhing to get in trouble. He seemed to hear that.

The interaction between us was ok. He is not real forthcoming but he at least does not seem angry at us... This isnt something we did to him.

So we are goinf to see him today, get him that bike, go to the movies and hqve dinner. I need to remember Occupational Therapist (OT) to pry but to let things naturally come out.

TL

 

[Kathy813]

Overall, it sounds like a good visit. I hope today's activities go well, too.

~Kathy

 

[buddy]

Glad it is going ok. Hope he finds a decent bike, and appreciates it! Poor guy, I really hope he finds his way.

 

[Nancy]

Baby steps TL. He is safe and warm and living sober one day at a time. I hope your evening tonight is pleasant and he continues to move forward.

Nancy

 

[Signorina]

I am sorry youre not seeing brighter progress, but it does sound like he is moving forward. When difficult child was in counseling- bristling was always a good sign- like a last resistance to accepting a new reality. I hope you guys have a good day today. {{{hugs}}}

 

[DDD]

Baby steps are good. Often there is introspection that comes from a slower process. I'm glad the visit went well and hope today is a pleasure for you all. Had to smile at "trying not to pry". I don't remember any of us referring to that before.......and I know we all quietly fight that personal battle. LOL! DDD

 

[toughlovin]

Ok after today i feel pretty pessimistic to tell you the truth. It became clear to us the girlfriend is back in the picture somehow!!! Everytime she is back in the picture he does not do well and he is talking now about moving back. We realize it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with her. His attitude just feels real questionable to me. He has lots of opportunities down here but he does not seem to be doing much to really help himself.

I tried to talk to him about the risks of moving back but he started to get mad. I really believe if he moves back he will end up in jail...just by doing something stupid and violating his probation...for example he is supposed to have no contact with the girlfriend! He has not paid the probation fees or done the community service yet.

He asked if we would pay for him to come up for a friends wedding. We told him after last time we would not. He then started talking about how when he went down here we told him he could always come home. I dont remember that but i told him if he came back he needed a plan. He said something about how him coming back was out of our control. I agreed with him but said if we are paying for you to come back you need a plan. He agreed with that. My husband and i talked about it later and agreed that we will not consider paying for him to come back until he is squared away witn probation which means he either has to do some major comm serv or get a paying job down here! I am not going to support something which i think will land him in jail...which is where he will be if he does not do some major act getting together stuff first.

He had a phone conversation with someone about a flob house this person could go to to get high....iffy iffy iffy.

I just feel like he is hanging out, twiddling his thumbs doing the minimum not to get kicked out. So yeah he is sober because he is drug tested every other day and breathalyzed when he comes back for the night. I have no confidence that he staying sober for himself.

We did get him a bike today from kmart. A part of me didnt want to do that but we had already agreed to so we did. So he may have taken us again for a bit but its the last time. We shall see if he gets himself a job or what happens next.

It seems like most of our difficult children have issues with drugs but also get pulled in by unhealthy relationships....sigh i am not happy with the d***** girlfriend.

TL

 

[susiestar]

I am glad the visit went fairly well and that while he is angry it is not aimed at you. I think our kids often are angry at us when they don't like their life. When they stop being angry at us and aim it almost anywhere else, to me it says maybe they are starting to accept the responsiblity for their life. At least it seemed to work that way with Wiz and when gfgbro gets that way he learns something and makes some progress.

 

[Signorina]

{{{hugs}}} - If my difficult child was adopted - I might think your son and mine were twins separated at birth :-(

Regardless, he may be staying sober for the wrong reasons (testing) but sober IS sober and it does give him a shot at thinking clearly and soberly.

I will hold you both in my thoughts and as I say a prayer for difficult child tonight -- I will add my board "nephews and nieces" as well.

 

[Kathy813]

My husband and i talked about it later and agreed that we will not consider paying for him to come back until he is squared away witn probation which means he either has to do some major comm serv or get a paying job down here! I am not going to support something which i think will land him in jail...

Good job, TL. He is right that his coming back was out of your control but you certainly don't have to pay for it. If he does decide to come back, he will also need to figure out a place to live and how to eat. I hope he realizes it will be colder than his week on the beach.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

No way would I pay for him to come home to go to a wedding whether he had a job or not. I'm sorry tl, it doesn't sound like he has any intention of staying sober. If he accepted he had a problem and was working the program he would not be telling someone where to get drugs. I think it's time his girlfriend starts paying his way.

I wish it was more encouraging but I think you need to prepare yourself for him leaving again. I'm not saying it's hopeless but he just doesn't realize he has a problem yet and until he does he won't get help.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks all. I think you are right Nancy...and i am preparing myself. We shall see how today goes...a friend remided me that anger sometimes comes from helplessness and feeling like you have no control....so i am going to try ane have an abstract conversation with him about this...remind him of the serenity prayer...and thar there are things he has to accept and let go of (like the rules) but there are lots of ways he can take charge of his life.

My husband and i are on the same page....we will continue to pay for the sober house and some food for now but that is it. We are not bringing him back to Ma for a wedding or anything else. We wont even consider that right now...and wont until he is squared with probation and even then no promises. It will take some serious work on his part to squqre with probation, that isnot just a phone call. He cant do it without a job and some community service.

I really cant believe the girlfriend. My guess is she wants him to come back as her date to the weddimg and encouraged him to ask us! My husband heard him on the phone yesterday telling her he didnt think he could come...we shall see if she buys him a ticket which will mess him up with the sober house.

So think of us today and i will update you all later.

TL

 

[DDD]

Reading your post "struck a bell" when he said basically that you can't control where he goes. It's so disheartening that our adult difficult child's don't want to take control of their lives and yet they try to draw boundaries for parental input. That comes up around here on occasion I just want to scream (not my style of course) "You're blankin' right. You are an adult and it's time to own it. Do you really think that we want to spend these years of our lives intertwined with your poor choices!" (Imaginery Rant)

It's wearying. Hugs DDD

 

[recoveringenabler]

I just want you to know that I empathize with you, thinking of you today, sending you warm thoughts and hugs. You're doing a good job of detaching and staying clear and I know it's hard. Blessings and prayers coming your way...............

 

[Signorina]

Amen DDD... I am so blanking sick of being blamed for not "letting or wanting" difficult child to be an adult. I want to scream "act like an adult and get your sh1t together because there is nothing I want more than you out of my hair!"

Grump