Malika
Well-Known Member
Forgive me, this is going to be a bit of a rant... or some cathartic exercise...
After a day like today, I do feel somewhat scared of the future for J. For J and with J...
Today he was in "difficult child" mode. Some days you couldn't tell the difference from a easy child, but today not even the most optimistic of observers could have put him in that category. The only factor I can think of that may have been at play was that he was tired from the start. Went to bed later and woke up earlier than usual. From then on it has been all downhill! He was just awful in the morning, in that mode that I really dislike and find unaccaptable - like a 4 year old hoodlum, talking back, putting his tongue out at me, swearing with his playground swear words (screamed out) when I told him off (do you say that in the States? = scolded) He's like a kind of swaggering, know-it-all toughie who behaves with defiant insolence when asked to do anything he doesn't want - and it's not very pleasant.
We had a treat planned for the afternoon - going to the circus, a real one with tigers, elephant, Italian clowns, etc. I took along his childminder's two children, aged 6 and 7. In the circus he was REALLY hyper (he always is but this was really manic) - sitting still for the events but racing around, jumping off the benches, breaking one (by accident), screaming.... etc, etc. I felt myself getting stressed with this as I always do in public (though I'm better than I once was) and increasingly annoyed with him as he could have hurt himself and others. Ended up just grabbing hold of him and making him sit on my lap and of course he screamed...
We stayed at the childminder's for half an hour or so, where he kind of careered round rather manically again; there was a toy that was the subject of some dispute between all three children and J wanted to take it home, which is something he almost always does when we go to another child's house. I said he couldn't (as usual) but that it would be there next time he came. Anyway, just as we were leaving, I saw he had something in his pocket. I asked him if he had the toy - no, he said, it was a stone... Filled with something of foreboding, I checked - it was the toy. He had lied without skipping a beat, with total self-assurance... We then had a tough-it-out showdown (in which I was not prepared to be the loser, for the sake of a boundary that I was not prepared to let him exceed) during which we sat outside their apartment and he howled and screamed until finally, 20 minutes later, he agreed to give the toy back, me saying that we simply had no right to take it because it belonged to the little boy and he had not given his permission for J to take it.
In the car on the way home he started saying he did not want to stay with me, he did not want a mummy who was cross all the time, he wanted to go and live with Kenza (his birth mother but her name is all we know all about her). And in a way I understood him... when he is really difficult I DO get cross and just cannot keep it in mind that he is not "choosing" to be so difficult... Because I am not a saint. And sometimes, on days like today, I feel like sainthood is required to be the loving mother of a child whose behaviour is so unlovely sometimes... And I am quite sure that you have all felt that, all know what that feeling is...
Tomorrow is school again, and structure, and J will doubtless be his "other" self, the sweet, loving, reasonably compliant little boy... We will survive another day, doubtless. But I do have some fear for the future, for his never learning that it is wrong and unacceptable to lie and to steal...
After a day like today, I do feel somewhat scared of the future for J. For J and with J...
Today he was in "difficult child" mode. Some days you couldn't tell the difference from a easy child, but today not even the most optimistic of observers could have put him in that category. The only factor I can think of that may have been at play was that he was tired from the start. Went to bed later and woke up earlier than usual. From then on it has been all downhill! He was just awful in the morning, in that mode that I really dislike and find unaccaptable - like a 4 year old hoodlum, talking back, putting his tongue out at me, swearing with his playground swear words (screamed out) when I told him off (do you say that in the States? = scolded) He's like a kind of swaggering, know-it-all toughie who behaves with defiant insolence when asked to do anything he doesn't want - and it's not very pleasant.
We had a treat planned for the afternoon - going to the circus, a real one with tigers, elephant, Italian clowns, etc. I took along his childminder's two children, aged 6 and 7. In the circus he was REALLY hyper (he always is but this was really manic) - sitting still for the events but racing around, jumping off the benches, breaking one (by accident), screaming.... etc, etc. I felt myself getting stressed with this as I always do in public (though I'm better than I once was) and increasingly annoyed with him as he could have hurt himself and others. Ended up just grabbing hold of him and making him sit on my lap and of course he screamed...
We stayed at the childminder's for half an hour or so, where he kind of careered round rather manically again; there was a toy that was the subject of some dispute between all three children and J wanted to take it home, which is something he almost always does when we go to another child's house. I said he couldn't (as usual) but that it would be there next time he came. Anyway, just as we were leaving, I saw he had something in his pocket. I asked him if he had the toy - no, he said, it was a stone... Filled with something of foreboding, I checked - it was the toy. He had lied without skipping a beat, with total self-assurance... We then had a tough-it-out showdown (in which I was not prepared to be the loser, for the sake of a boundary that I was not prepared to let him exceed) during which we sat outside their apartment and he howled and screamed until finally, 20 minutes later, he agreed to give the toy back, me saying that we simply had no right to take it because it belonged to the little boy and he had not given his permission for J to take it.
In the car on the way home he started saying he did not want to stay with me, he did not want a mummy who was cross all the time, he wanted to go and live with Kenza (his birth mother but her name is all we know all about her). And in a way I understood him... when he is really difficult I DO get cross and just cannot keep it in mind that he is not "choosing" to be so difficult... Because I am not a saint. And sometimes, on days like today, I feel like sainthood is required to be the loving mother of a child whose behaviour is so unlovely sometimes... And I am quite sure that you have all felt that, all know what that feeling is...
Tomorrow is school again, and structure, and J will doubtless be his "other" self, the sweet, loving, reasonably compliant little boy... We will survive another day, doubtless. But I do have some fear for the future, for his never learning that it is wrong and unacceptable to lie and to steal...
In fact, J isn't really that sensitive to things like the order in which we do things, or music, or plates, or detergent... The only thing that was different about this morning than most other mornings (apart from being tired) was that he spent about 3 hours watching DVDs. Sunday is his DVD day - other days he doesn't watch because when we did have TV a long time back he was getting really addicted and it was eating into his life - he stopped wanting to talk to me, play with his toys, etc, So this is the compromise we reached. 
