school mtg with ex.....hes' a PITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Dec 4, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I"m absolutely fuming right now!!! FUMING!!!!!

    oh, ok hi to everyone, i hope everyone's day was good, difficult child's were good and all of you are well. I haven't been on much today.

    alright back to my SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I go up to parent/school mtg. I invite exdh (ok expita) that's what i'm going to call him from here forward. I invite the pita because he's never been to an open school mtg. so i figured it's time he jumped on board, he's been at school twice once for a holiday thing another for a big team mtg.

    So, we go in the teacher starts talking about difficult child, how she's improving greatly, the anxiety is def. lowered, no nurse visits, she's engaging wtih the other kids, academically she's holding her own yet needs alot more work, her focus is off. NO DUH!! But ok let me be nice she's a dedicated teacher and she didnt' do anything wrong. i cant type fast enough right now by the way.

    She says i dont' see alot of the behaviors you describe seeing at home the verbal attacks, the hyperactivity level, the violence, etc. I said well, that's good!!! EXpita jumps in, well you know it's difficult child being in the same school for 2 years now that's making all the difference, blah blah blah. She, meaning me moved her away from her family 2 years ago and all this started!!! woo i took a deep breath and said ok Jen (talking to myself) i'm not going to blow i'm going to plant him graciously. I said well, i think it's a combined effort, the medication is doing it's job, the therapist is working with her, i work with her and i do my very best to facilitate friendships and schedule play dates, i've also invovled her recently in extra cirriculur actiivites that i think will help her as well, and the violin also, blah blah, I than add it's difficutl for my ex PITA to fully graps difficult child's struggles becuase he only sees her 4 days a mos. unfortunatley, yet iit's the only time they can spend due to his work schedule, yet difficult child appreciates that time. Also ex PITA has not been to any of the various doctors, psychdocs, therapists i've worked with for several years now.

    ok took care of that. a few more bashes from him. We get into the truck yes I took him in my truck since school is only down the road more or less and it begins. He rambles on to say well don't you think it's the fact that difficult child has been in the same school for 2 years now that is also making her better? I said yes I believe the same school setting for two years now is greatly helping, yet as per usual you refuse to see what difficult child truly is and that is sad and will also not help her. I said being that you suffer from extreme anxiety yourself, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and also sleeplessness (who knows what his true diagnosis would ever be) you could be using these as teachable moments with her and sharing your struggles with her so that she feels as though she's not alone, yet you do not. He said there is nothing wrong with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has a little anxiety like most of us do!!! Your putting her on all these dangerous medications, and who knows what will happen to her later in life due to it, you listen to these crazy doctors with whom are diagnosis'ing her with bipolar!!

    She doens't have bipolar, the dr. she now has is a complete wack job, he's takign kick backs from the pharmacuteical companies I can't spell everything in his office says abilify or seroquel. He wont' return my calls, who is he to diagnosis her with bipolar disorder?? Umm a doctor i'm thinking. It's your life choices that have made her how she is, and on and on he went!!!

    So, after trying very hard to remain calm and focused and centered and trying to explain to him that what she has, all of her diagnosis's it is a managable thing, with care, taugth the right tools she will be ok and hopefully lead a full balanced life someday. I try i try again to speak to him calmly he keeps verbally attacking.

    So, I said well i'm glad i have sole custody you are clearly out of your ever loving mind. You yourself should seek a true diagnosis and get your own level of help. Everytime difficult child goes to your house she returns with a new fear and a new horror story of your wife with whom pays no mind to either her or you and who is never home and makes a point of returning when difficult child leaves. i said you can go >>>>> yourself, i have no interest in getting you out of the denial you are so badly stuck in, go get your own help. I've gotten mine and can say my daughter has a mental illness, it has taken me years to accept the truth of it. Now that I have I am a better advocate for her, and understand her struggles that much better. You have gone to no doctors with me except for one doctor with whom boyfriend and I paid the neuropsychologist evaluation bill while you cried poverty!!! After difficult child's medical bills got to be too much and we lost our home, our life everything. where were you then?? Did you say oh let me give you a little more support this week to help you guys?? no, you sat idly by while i went down financially and all due to cutting my work hours to be home for difficult child, and paying all her medical bills.

    ok so i'm done now. he's lucky I didnt' run him over. I told him i will no longer invite you to these meeetings. If you would like to attend I will give you the date and it will be up to you to schedule your own time to meet the teachers, i will no longer share with you her medications, the dosaage amt.s the info given by doctors or her therapist. You want the info i'll email the numbers your so interested you call. I'm done with you now.

    Ok if you got this far down thanks for letting me blow. I can't stand his level of denial, his accusatory tone with me, and the fac that this man should be kissing the ground i walk on for fighting for our daughter so very hard while he sits back and does absolutely nothing. Her improvements will never ever be anything he can say wow we made it thru it'll be all me and difficult child and well the doctors, therapists and you guys!!!

    what a jerk
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Did I mention that he said it's my fault that she's this way?? Meanwhile everytime she goes to his house she returns with a new issue. Last time it was pancakes, because he told difficult child if mom doenst' cook them well enough you could wind up in the hospital having your stomach pumped!!!! One before that was telling her to watch out with electrical outlets (hello she's almost ten, you PITA), because at any time they can light the entire room on fire, espeically if you have carpeting!!! Let's see one before that he brought her to his pyscho families house oh yea their really off to show her some old guys she doens't even knows injuries from falling down a flight of steps. guy had cuts all over him and open wounds, head was cut open. He even took difficult child to the actual place where the accident occured to say to her you have to be very careful walking on stairs!!!! those are just a few. not to mention the last two times he had her he made her sit in all day sunday and watch football that she hates and he gave her beef jerkies and cans of chef boy ar dee!!

    need i say more??

    Divorced 7 years, and he can still make me cry and become this angered, amazing huh...?
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2008
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    (Sheepishly, shyly, getting up nerve----ohhhh pleeeeaasssee don't get mad.....)

    :rofl::rofl::rofl: I think you walked right into that one! :clubbing:

    (ok- running swiftly now...)

  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    PITA Jerk! I am so sorry he is not only not helping but adding to the problems.

    I know a little bit of how you feel. Some months ago, husband went to difficult child's therapist appointment. and stated to the therapist that he is not seeing any improvements in difficult child! And what world are you living in these days, husband? He doesn't like the time and money I have put into therapist appts.

    I am sorry that those few days with dad puts your difficult child back a step or two. She must be so confused.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Sorry- I don't blame you for being frustrated- I just think it was bound to happen once you took him to this meeting. I think it's going to take a bit more before he quites blaming you and sees that there's a bigger issue.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    klmno - no, it's ok when i saw your icons i actually laughed, I didn't scream!! LOL. your right i did walk into that one, right into my truck into that one! I must like it, right?? LOL.

    I tried to do the right thing, I always do. The school actually asked about his presence this evening it's good for difficult child to know her dad attends and so i anti up myself. I have to be honest, and maybe this is the wrong thing to say yet raising easy child on my own, and relieving her biological contributor of his "rights' to her was the best choices i ever made.

    i'm stuck with this PITA for life!!! Why do i let him get me so insane?
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Andy she's not confused, don't get me wrong the chef boy ar dee eating football watching man i'm sure loves his daugther on some level, yet the daily run and care of her level and she absolutely adores him, go figure!! LOL. with that said she returns home to me on sunday nights she gives me the stories and I set her straight on what fears to truly be worried about and what fears are bogus!! yet I have to be honest it isn't easy. She values his thoughts and opinions (probaby the only one, since wife number 2 seems to be non existant these days), so it's hard getting her to overcome the new fears that dear dad instills in her. I told him no more canned foods like that combined with beef jerkies please. For crying out loud, cut up an apple, scramble an egg if simplicity is where it's at for him. He makes no effort none whatsoever to make her meals. it kills me, and his wife well i tried with her as well. she was sweet before they married 4 years ago, than she turned and spends no time with difficult child. she was my saving grace when difficult child was there i knew shed shower, normal meals, etc. than she's slowly bowed out. word on the street is his wife doens't like kids! LOL can you imagine?
  8. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Jennifer, my husband was the same way. I decided a long time ago that difficult child's treatment and school issues are my responsibility, not his. If he wants to come along he can, but he has no desire to and I do not encourage it. My husband was diagnoses as BiPolar (BP) about a year, and since then he is a little better in regards to medications as husband takes his regularly. husband has blamed me for difficult child's problems, said he is just a boy (from mars maybe), that the medications make him worse (some did, but not all do), blah blah blah. I have learned to shut off my brain, if you will, when he is in one of his moods. The trick for me is to appear like I care.

    If the school wants to have him involved, have them contact him or vice versa. I would not go out of your way to involve him. He is an adult, if he wants to be involved then let him find a way. It is not your problem. By that I mean he is not your problem.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Your 100% right. We go thru stages, he behaves for a while seems like he's on the same page, than he does this. It's yet another roller coaster ride I do not want or need in my life.

    I'm sorry to hear that you struggle with the same issue. it can be quite upsetting when we work so very hard for our children. not that we "want" or desire any praise at all, our reward is watching our difficult child's function better. yet just some quiet silence or support goes a long way.

    thanks for your words :)
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Not that I actually like provoking arguements, but have you ever asked him if maybe he's bipolar and that might be where your daughter inherited this?
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Do you have to let difficult child go to his house overnight? I know it is a break for you, but if he isn't taking care of her properly (or at all) then can you schedule activities she needs to be home for?

    I would be worried, esp if he is doing inappropriate things like the stairs thing - showing her the guy and his wounds, then the stairs where it happened seems HIGHLY inappropriate to me, esp with a kid with phobias and anxieties. He seems to be going out of his way to CREATE phobias and anxiety and then dropping her off back with you. This is NOT COOL, and maybe you can use it as a way to limit their time in a nice way?

    And then file for respite services from the county.

    Hugs, I know he is driving you nuts. You did your ONE time of involving him, now you odn't EVER have to again. At least not until he gets a clue.
  12. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    The more I hear of him the more he sounds like my husband before he was medicated. If he is BiPolar (BP), then his behavior will not get any better, and your telling him to get treated probably won't do any good either. Good luck, and I hope he comes to his senses soon. I would just minimize contact with him, and expect nothing from him.
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    (((((((((Jennifer)))))))))) What a day. I've heard it all too, mostly from husband who is Manster's stepdad. Biodad is pretty good, lazy but good hearted. He lets me do all the work and spoils manster with whatever he wants and no discipline, but at least he shows him love. husband tells me that manster is fine, just has anxiety, etc. I am sleeping on an air mattress in manster's room because it's so bad right now and he tells me manster is fine. Ok whatever. Oh and he's the way he is because I spoil him and let him have too much control. Ok whatever, can you please take out the trash. I've come to let comments and criticisms from the men in my life (bossman who happens to be unmedicated bipolar included) roll off my back.

    FWIW you are a terrific mom, your daughter is very lucky and expita is blessed beyond what he deserves.

    TGIF tomorrow and I am hoping for a better day for all of us.

  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    klmno i laughed when i read that. you have made me laugh twice today.......yea you!! LOL. i have suggested that, i was even evaluated for that as well just to double check, yet i'm just crazy without a diagnosis!!! he totally flipped his lid. He would never ever go to a doctor at all. he's too paranoid, he's convinced their all out to get us!! their taking bribes, etc. they need to diagnosis BiPolar (BP) in so many ppl per year. he has his issues. i have no problem with mine. I said hey i got evaluation. and i found out i have this this and that. You should too. it'll help difficult child. Yet he choses to live in his chaotic life of getting up for work late everyday, arguing with supervisors on the job (been stepped twice already at his co.), not being able to maintain a loving relationship with anyone.

    Susie - funny you should say that. boy am i going to share now lol. when we divorced quite a many years ago, we actually split over 8 years ago, difficult child was not even 2 yet. His Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) issues, his anxiety, his anger was the reason we split. He couldn't seem to hanlde life and the pressures of life so well. we did counseling i tried my very best, etc. etc. i truly did. I thought ok we have a family to save. well than mr. pita started to stalk me, show up at our house, etc. it got a bit freaky. flowers, etc. yet it lasted longer than it should of. so i went to court got an order of protection in place, he than fought me for custody of difficult child. can you imainge?? LOL

    I fought him like an animal for 2 years on my own, and i won. I took out every book imaginable on family court laws, etc. wow did i sock it to him good. long story short i had the agency here in new york child protective blah blah blah spot check the apt. i wanted everything there for difficult child. i wanted to ensure that food, sleeping, etc. was all there. i also fought for strictly day visitation for hte first year unti she was older and than i had it moved to overnights. so he knows when push comes to shove i can do whatever it takes to ensure her safety. i have spoken to him on several occassions about his paranoia level, the stuff regarding the anxiety that he gives her, movies that she is not to watch, etc. so i have to check him every mos. lately it seems to ensure that hes' on board and doing the right thing for her. He does love her hands down he s' just too blinded to see he has some major issues there himself that need to be addressed and they only feed into difficult child's issues.
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ML wow all you guys are funny tonight. LOL :)

    Just take the trash out, yea yea yea blah blah blah let me go to sleep on my air mattress!!! I love it!!!

    It is the burden it seems that we carry for some reason we are almost always blamed for our difficult child's issues and usually by those closest to us. funny, huh....?? We only grow stronger from it all, we really truly do i believe that so very much. I hope you sleep well on the mattress tonight. :)
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    All of this happened in front of the teacher? OMG! I have to ask, does he giver her her medications when she visits? If this is his attitude, I would be very concerned about his contribution to medication compliance.

    No offense to your daughter's lineage, but some people just should not breed...
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    LOL, some ppl really shouldnt' breed!!! your right!! No, not all of it infront of the teacher, just hte part where he was throwing me verbal jabs a little and i planted him nicely, He continued on in the truck and i tried really hard to breath and go into la la happy jen land, but nope he kept pushing so i let him have it!!

    Like I said it's good i didn't run him over!! LOL. He actualy got out of my truck and stood infront of it for a minute and wow it was like that show Alley McBeal I had this sudden pop up that said "Hmm floor it!!! Go, go, Go!" LOL

    yes he does actually give her hte medications, i told him if he does not he will lose visitation and i will haul his butt off to court for hurting his daughter for not administering them.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ok i'm writing more now, all joking aside his side of the family has ALOT of undx mental illness, that he choses to ignore time and time again. His dad was addicted to drugs for years upon years and suffered from extreme anxiety, paranoia and also depression. His mother same thing she had a mental break down when ex pita was very little she was hospitalized for a while, etc. on medications, it continues on throughout the family tree.

    As difficult child's doctor said she was pulled from a bad gene pool. Obviously I did not know of any of this before we married years ago. Not that I would of thought twice, I was clearly dillussional, yet i simply wasn't informed. It took years of watching the family operate to understand it's twisted inner workings.

    I often think if I should pull over nights again. I know he loves her yet his decision making is far from good. the food thing is one issue yet the exposing her to situations ie. the guy falling downs steps by the way that she didn't know, the fears instilled with household appliances, outlets, etc., pancakes!! it's drama difficult child doesn't need. I'm total opposite. If she gets hurt at the park i don't jump i stay so calm, when we're in the house and she starts getting scared about something anything i nip it in the butt and push her forward.

    i hope this isn't another decision i should be making.
  19. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    When easy child was severely depressed and suicidal with a plan - and that plan being going to his dad's, pretending to get something out of the basement, get his gun and shoot himself in the head - his dad insisted that he just needed a good spanking and refused to remove the guns from his house while easy child was there. At one point when I hung up on him, he called me 50 times in a row (I was not answering the phone) because he was going to fly up here and give easy child a good spanking. (And it was 50 times before I unplugged the phones.)

    So, yeah, I feel your pain.

    From that point on, I never talked to him again about easy child's issues - whether they be health, school, whatever. He's completely in the dark about what easy child went through at that time and about most things in easy child's life since. And then he cries about it - that we don't tell him anything. It's his own fault.

    ETA: In my case, I have sole physical custody and joint legal custody. I've just learned to work around him.
    Lasted edited by : Dec 4, 2008