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She will never be normal, will she?
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 327329" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">That was my big thing with my difficult child (and I totally understand your feelings about her not being a 'gift'). I just wanted her to graduate - beyond that I felt she was on her own. I worked so closely with her teachers along the way. And then the director of her school asked me why. Along with all the talk of detachment here and then some issues with my sister...I sought out some counseling to deal with my sister issues and learned about the beauty and gift of detaching with love. Yes, you can detach with love and it is a most amazing experience. After difficult child graduated and was sponging off us, making our life a living he// (she was also 18 senior year), I kicked her booty out. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">After she left, I went into her room and threw out bagloads of junk and packed the rest up into plastic bins. Her room was bare. When it seemed she was ready to behave, we allowed her back in. Big mistake. Tack on another year of he//. My marriage suffered, my relationships suffered, but most of all I suffered. Did difficult child suffer? No, I really don't think so. Perhaps in her own way or what she perceived her suffering to be. in my opinion, she suffered wasted time.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">After months of practicing healthy detachment from my sister, I began using the techniques I learned with difficult child. We stopped giving her gas money, we took her car off the road, we didn't drive her anywhere, we were civil but refused to get pulled into her her vortex of negativity and self pity. All we kept saying was, "Get a job. Money equals freedom." She was seeing this absolute waste of skin loser who we named Monkeyboy and they were big into smoking pot and drinking. Not my problem, as long as it wasn't done at my home, which it wasn't - she knew we wouldn't tolerate it. The one time I found a bong and pipe, I smashed them and threw them out and told her so. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">My H had some real difficulty being able to detach so they were still going at it to an extent - arguing, saying hateful and mean things. At several points, difficult child threw things at him, once a cup of hot tea. That was a lovely Thanksgiving. Anyway, I eventually said to her, with tears in my eyes, "I love you honey, but you need to leave here. You need to go find your way, figure out what you need to do." And she agreed and left. For about a week. Hahaha - you thought there was going to be some miracle, huh? </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">No, she came back home, because who would have her for an extended time? Where could she crash for free? I continued to practice detachment, I strengthened my friendships outside my home, I began treating myself to a pedicure or manicure now and again, met my best friend for coffee every Saturday; I began counseling and basically started to turn the focus more onto myself and my H and less on her. What happened? No miracles, but slowly she lost interest in Monkeyboy seeing him for the loser he was, she got a job, she earned her car back. She now pays H insurance money every month, she helps around the house, she is respectful and downright loving at times. Currently she's been dating a guy who is 29 - she is 20 - I call him her "old man" (lol). But you know what? He's past all that drinking and drugging. He works a lot, he's kind to difficult child, respectful of us and our house rules. Granted he has to two kids, but instead of freaking about that not being the best of situations for difficult child, I instead chuckle to myself of the irony involved with her being a step parent one day...as she was a very unwilling stepchild! Hahaha - the joke is on her. It's not as easy as it may seem. I have to hand it to my H, he loves her no matter what.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">And like others here, I also felt like I hated her, just wanted her gone, didn't even care how it happened - "just go away already and leave me alone!" is how I felt most days. I could feel my stomach churn when I'd hear her coming in late at night, disrupting my house. I often skipped dinner so I didn't have to sit next to her and hear her lies and BS stories or smell her. God, take a shower already; you reek! But I digress....</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I guess the bottom line message from me would go along with what everyone here has already said. Find a way to focus more on YOU, learn how to detach lovingly. <strong>I have to agree that it's very imporant for you to convey to your daughter that you do love her and that's why you need to let her go should you choose to kick her out. </strong>I am on the fence about calling in the police EVER, but if you feel that's your only alternative, then so be it. When difficult child would be storming around and yelling at us/me, I would turn and say, "Oh, but I love you honey" and that would just really send her over the edge, but it helped me to keep things light. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">The fact is, she is not behaving in the way you want people to behave in your home. She thinks she is smarter and cooler than you and that she can do it on her own so I say, "prove it" and give her the opportunity to go it alone, fall on her face, pick herself back up and do whatever. She will be left with no one to blame but herself. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I am not one who thinks at 18 the big magic lightbulb goes off and they suddenly 'get it'. But I also don't think that we as parents need to be so giving of ourselves, sacrificing of our lives, etc. Infants, small children, preteens, sure, we all sacrifice for our kids. But as they grow through their teens and into early adulthood - not so much. How else will they figure out how to navigate through REAL life if we don't give them the opportunity? What's the worst that will happen if she doesn't graduate HS? Really? One day she will have to get her GED or go to some trade school as an adult. So what? Once I stopped worrying and intervening on difficult child's behalf, she HAD to work with her teachers and a miracle did happen! She graduated, barely scraped through, but she graduated. She had a 54 in Civics and on her final, after many afternoons studying with her teacher, she scored a 92 on the final. Miracles do happen. Sometimes. Usually when you least expect them.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">In the meantime, go get a pedicure, meet a friend for lunch or cocktails. Call an old friend and catch up, clean out your house - whatever helps you de-stress. But definitely call a therapist to help you work through this. It will get worse before it gets better and you will need the support of a professional. Sending big giant gentle hugs to your hurting mommy heart. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 327329, member: 2211"] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]That was my big thing with my difficult child (and I totally understand your feelings about her not being a 'gift'). I just wanted her to graduate - beyond that I felt she was on her own. I worked so closely with her teachers along the way. And then the director of her school asked me why. Along with all the talk of detachment here and then some issues with my sister...I sought out some counseling to deal with my sister issues and learned about the beauty and gift of detaching with love. Yes, you can detach with love and it is a most amazing experience. After difficult child graduated and was sponging off us, making our life a living he// (she was also 18 senior year), I kicked her booty out. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]After she left, I went into her room and threw out bagloads of junk and packed the rest up into plastic bins. Her room was bare. When it seemed she was ready to behave, we allowed her back in. Big mistake. Tack on another year of he//. My marriage suffered, my relationships suffered, but most of all I suffered. Did difficult child suffer? No, I really don't think so. Perhaps in her own way or what she perceived her suffering to be. in my opinion, she suffered wasted time.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]After months of practicing healthy detachment from my sister, I began using the techniques I learned with difficult child. We stopped giving her gas money, we took her car off the road, we didn't drive her anywhere, we were civil but refused to get pulled into her her vortex of negativity and self pity. All we kept saying was, "Get a job. Money equals freedom." She was seeing this absolute waste of skin loser who we named Monkeyboy and they were big into smoking pot and drinking. Not my problem, as long as it wasn't done at my home, which it wasn't - she knew we wouldn't tolerate it. The one time I found a bong and pipe, I smashed them and threw them out and told her so. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]My H had some real difficulty being able to detach so they were still going at it to an extent - arguing, saying hateful and mean things. At several points, difficult child threw things at him, once a cup of hot tea. That was a lovely Thanksgiving. Anyway, I eventually said to her, with tears in my eyes, "I love you honey, but you need to leave here. You need to go find your way, figure out what you need to do." And she agreed and left. For about a week. Hahaha - you thought there was going to be some miracle, huh? [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]No, she came back home, because who would have her for an extended time? Where could she crash for free? I continued to practice detachment, I strengthened my friendships outside my home, I began treating myself to a pedicure or manicure now and again, met my best friend for coffee every Saturday; I began counseling and basically started to turn the focus more onto myself and my H and less on her. What happened? No miracles, but slowly she lost interest in Monkeyboy seeing him for the loser he was, she got a job, she earned her car back. She now pays H insurance money every month, she helps around the house, she is respectful and downright loving at times. Currently she's been dating a guy who is 29 - she is 20 - I call him her "old man" (lol). But you know what? He's past all that drinking and drugging. He works a lot, he's kind to difficult child, respectful of us and our house rules. Granted he has to two kids, but instead of freaking about that not being the best of situations for difficult child, I instead chuckle to myself of the irony involved with her being a step parent one day...as she was a very unwilling stepchild! Hahaha - the joke is on her. It's not as easy as it may seem. I have to hand it to my H, he loves her no matter what.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]And like others here, I also felt like I hated her, just wanted her gone, didn't even care how it happened - "just go away already and leave me alone!" is how I felt most days. I could feel my stomach churn when I'd hear her coming in late at night, disrupting my house. I often skipped dinner so I didn't have to sit next to her and hear her lies and BS stories or smell her. God, take a shower already; you reek! But I digress....[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]I guess the bottom line message from me would go along with what everyone here has already said. Find a way to focus more on YOU, learn how to detach lovingly. [B]I have to agree that it's very imporant for you to convey to your daughter that you do love her and that's why you need to let her go should you choose to kick her out. [/B]I am on the fence about calling in the police EVER, but if you feel that's your only alternative, then so be it. When difficult child would be storming around and yelling at us/me, I would turn and say, "Oh, but I love you honey" and that would just really send her over the edge, but it helped me to keep things light. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]The fact is, she is not behaving in the way you want people to behave in your home. She thinks she is smarter and cooler than you and that she can do it on her own so I say, "prove it" and give her the opportunity to go it alone, fall on her face, pick herself back up and do whatever. She will be left with no one to blame but herself. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]I am not one who thinks at 18 the big magic lightbulb goes off and they suddenly 'get it'. But I also don't think that we as parents need to be so giving of ourselves, sacrificing of our lives, etc. Infants, small children, preteens, sure, we all sacrifice for our kids. But as they grow through their teens and into early adulthood - not so much. How else will they figure out how to navigate through REAL life if we don't give them the opportunity? What's the worst that will happen if she doesn't graduate HS? Really? One day she will have to get her GED or go to some trade school as an adult. So what? Once I stopped worrying and intervening on difficult child's behalf, she HAD to work with her teachers and a miracle did happen! She graduated, barely scraped through, but she graduated. She had a 54 in Civics and on her final, after many afternoons studying with her teacher, she scored a 92 on the final. Miracles do happen. Sometimes. Usually when you least expect them.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue]In the meantime, go get a pedicure, meet a friend for lunch or cocktails. Call an old friend and catch up, clean out your house - whatever helps you de-stress. But definitely call a therapist to help you work through this. It will get worse before it gets better and you will need the support of a professional. Sending big giant gentle hugs to your hurting mommy heart. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][COLOR=darkslateblue] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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