Hi lovemyson1,
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
I was trying to remember back when I first found this board and named myself "lovemysons"...
My 2 son's were at drug rehab then...around the ages of 13/14. I was a complete mess. I took it personally that my son's were heading down this path. I was angry and incredibly depressed at the same time. All the years of trying to have a picture perfect home, all the sports activities, school projects/involvement, church, reading at bedtime, building legos, swinging at the parks, swimming in our backyard pool, the best ski trips, a stay at home mom, a dad that worked tirelessly for us all, brothers and sister...where did I fail? Where did I go wrong? I thought we gave them everything and more than I ever had growing up.
Here's the thing...your son is a drug addict now. No longer a little innocent boy. This is not child's play. It is the real deal...very serious.
I think Kathy has a wonderful therapist that is really teaching her some very valuable information and I agree that Your son is doing what Kathy referred to as Emotional Blackmail. I think that's an excellent term for the guilt our son's try to lay at our feet. They try and make us feel like we are ultimately responsible for the outcome.
You know...when my son's were little, I could jump, run, get there as fast as possible and right all the wrongs, fix the problem. But this...this is a problem YOU CAN'T FIX.
This problem is beyond our reach...it goes beyond motherly love, as hard as that is to admit.
I think Hitting bottom, feeling/really knowing the consequences of "drug first mentality" is the beginning of potential help. I am beginning to see it now.
I too, have a husband that will barely speak to my son (the middle child that we are about to send packing this Friday). You may feel like you are the only real loving factor in your son's life...I know have felt that way. But I have come to realize that my love is used too...all for furthering the use of drugs.
As I said recently in my post...This goes against the grain of my very soul.
I am determined though not to continue to support drug use in my son. If he wants real help now, he must get it on his own. We have shown him drug rehab, the 12 Steps, the door to AA. He knows where to go for real help...he is not getting "help" here with husband and I.
We gave him free room and board, a job, a truck, his family over (he has a loving wife and 3 beautiful children).
None of it is enough...Nope. Our son has the attitude "It is my body, I'm grown, I can put what ever substances I want in my body and you shouldn't have a problem with it".
Our son got out of prison 6 months ago...and of course my mommy heart and that of his wife, were determined to help my son make it this time. But sigh...4 months of sobriety and all the gifts we could think of were not enough. Nope. It's never enough when it comes to drugs.
This is painful I know...and all of us move through this "process" at our own pace. Some of us go to Al Anon, or Therapists, Councelors that deal with drug addiction, to learn coping skills and new ways of looking at this problem.
I am sorry you are caught in the middle. Moreso between your son and drugs than your son and his father. If your son gets help at some point, real help from AA or a drug rehab, then he will likely get that relationship back with his father. But this beast you are potentially putting yourself between...son and drugs, this beast can hurt you.
6 Years ago, I had a psychotic breakdown. You see my oldest son was then in Prison for stealing over 10K worth of computer equipment from my husband's client...a law firm at that. I was getting help for myself...but all the while still in deep desperate pain. Then one day, I just lost my mind...had to be hospitalised for a week and must take an antipsychotic medication for the rest of my life. It wasn't my oldest son's fault...but it was likely due to the extreme anguish and distress that I was in all the time. Many heartwrenching screams and pleas for God to save my sons.
I am better now with the medicine...but it is just one example of the toll drugs have taken on our family. The biggest example I can give now dealing with our middle child, our son that is currently living with us til this Friday, Is his children. They more than deserve a good father.
I spoke with my daughter in law today, and my son's middle child, a daughter, wanted to see daddy today. She got on the phone with him and he apparently told her, "Maybe next weekend". But you know what...Next weekend he will be out on the streets, their will be no father/daughter time together. His child misses him, needs him in her life...and yet he still puts drugs first.
I wish I could end this sadness for all of us...I can't. I know, like I said before, that this is a process...a personal journey as far as when you draw that line__________and say, "No More".
None of us can tell you what to do...just make suggestions. The "work" is up to you. We can try and help you see things you may have not understood before from our experiences. And I hope and pray that you get the help YOU need to make the painfully tough decesions you may find yourself needing to make, having to make.
I hope and pray it will take you less time than it has taken me. I hope and pray it will take less toll on your family and health.
Like Kathy, I wish we "knew" then what we know now.
Just keep in mind that drugs LOVE to use "mommy hearts"...that part of us that still see's all the good in them, still see's that first ride home from the hospital with them. Our mommy hearts need to be set aside though when dealing with this beast...it's no longer precious, fun, or games. We're dealing with life and death matters now.
I hope I havent' gotten too emotional tonight. It's just been a long road and your name for your first post helped me reflect back to when I first got here.
As I said before, we all move through this at our pace.
You will find strength, encouragement, real care, real thoughts and experiences from our members here on the Board.
My best to you,
LMS
