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Siblings acting out sexually?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 176833" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>"So again, while he may have been the aggressor in the beginning, she's somehow decided that this is okay and she's seeking something that we're not providing for her."</p><p></p><p>That's the pattern of how abuse can develop. The trouble can be, when the child begins to feel that they have become a willing participant and therefore equally guilty, they don't realise that in fact that is not the case. It is for these reasons that we do not consider children to be capable of informed consent, at such a young age. Their feelings and emotions can be so easily muddled.</p><p></p><p>Whether either of the children was controlling the other, or whether they somehow stumbled into this mutually - it isn't good for either of them if they now have loads of guilt for complicity piled on top of "I shouldn't have started this."</p><p></p><p>However long this was going on for, your daughter sounds like she has gotten into some bad habits emotionally, of trying to curry favour at all costs with people, she desperately wants to be liked and sounds like she will compromise her self-respect to gain affection and what she perceives as friendship. Again, this is independent of sex, but it has now become muddled in with sex just to confuse the issue more.</p><p></p><p>Being the cuddly child may have made her more vulnerable to this sort of exploitation. We had similar concerns with easy child 2/difficult child 2. KNowing what a cuddlebunny she always has been (to the point of being inappropriate) we were fairly sure that despite anything we could do to prevent, she was likely to be sleeping with her first serious boyfriend. Which she did. While we were concerned for her, we were even more concerned for him, because he didn't have the emotional resilience (which she fortunately has got) to cope with the impact of a beautiful but very sensual girl like this, in his life.</p><p>And as we expected - when they broke up, even though he was the one who made the break, it devastated him and took him a couple of years to get over her (if he has - he does have another girlfriend now, but I'm still concerned that he's obsessed with her).</p><p></p><p>I agree that things aren't exactly adding up. THis isn't the sort of thing kids usually experiment with like this, at such a young age. The hormones of puberty can sometimes trigger experimentation in kids who haven't been taught better or who find it too much fun. But surely not at such a young age? I share your scepticism.</p><p></p><p>There may not have been anyone to show him anything or do anything to him (or her); but somewhere, somehow, the idea was formed. And the long-term effect is I suspect going to affect both of them. I am especially concerned for the bad patterns your daughter is already in, with her desperation to "buy" friends and the way other kids are abusing her desperation and her naivety. They BOTH need to learn that they are better than that. Both of them. And both of them deserve to be treated better than that as well.</p><p></p><p>For now - I would be working on self-esteem, with both of them. Learning how to have the courage to do the right thing even if you feel it will make you unpopular. Social stories; discussion; social skills classes. Although the counselling is going to be important and for that there needs to be a certain amount of analysis, from here there also needs to be a strong focus on a fresh start, a new beginning and a GOOD beginning. There are several years of bad emotional habits to unlearn.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 176833, member: 1991"] "So again, while he may have been the aggressor in the beginning, she's somehow decided that this is okay and she's seeking something that we're not providing for her." That's the pattern of how abuse can develop. The trouble can be, when the child begins to feel that they have become a willing participant and therefore equally guilty, they don't realise that in fact that is not the case. It is for these reasons that we do not consider children to be capable of informed consent, at such a young age. Their feelings and emotions can be so easily muddled. Whether either of the children was controlling the other, or whether they somehow stumbled into this mutually - it isn't good for either of them if they now have loads of guilt for complicity piled on top of "I shouldn't have started this." However long this was going on for, your daughter sounds like she has gotten into some bad habits emotionally, of trying to curry favour at all costs with people, she desperately wants to be liked and sounds like she will compromise her self-respect to gain affection and what she perceives as friendship. Again, this is independent of sex, but it has now become muddled in with sex just to confuse the issue more. Being the cuddly child may have made her more vulnerable to this sort of exploitation. We had similar concerns with easy child 2/difficult child 2. KNowing what a cuddlebunny she always has been (to the point of being inappropriate) we were fairly sure that despite anything we could do to prevent, she was likely to be sleeping with her first serious boyfriend. Which she did. While we were concerned for her, we were even more concerned for him, because he didn't have the emotional resilience (which she fortunately has got) to cope with the impact of a beautiful but very sensual girl like this, in his life. And as we expected - when they broke up, even though he was the one who made the break, it devastated him and took him a couple of years to get over her (if he has - he does have another girlfriend now, but I'm still concerned that he's obsessed with her). I agree that things aren't exactly adding up. THis isn't the sort of thing kids usually experiment with like this, at such a young age. The hormones of puberty can sometimes trigger experimentation in kids who haven't been taught better or who find it too much fun. But surely not at such a young age? I share your scepticism. There may not have been anyone to show him anything or do anything to him (or her); but somewhere, somehow, the idea was formed. And the long-term effect is I suspect going to affect both of them. I am especially concerned for the bad patterns your daughter is already in, with her desperation to "buy" friends and the way other kids are abusing her desperation and her naivety. They BOTH need to learn that they are better than that. Both of them. And both of them deserve to be treated better than that as well. For now - I would be working on self-esteem, with both of them. Learning how to have the courage to do the right thing even if you feel it will make you unpopular. Social stories; discussion; social skills classes. Although the counselling is going to be important and for that there needs to be a certain amount of analysis, from here there also needs to be a strong focus on a fresh start, a new beginning and a GOOD beginning. There are several years of bad emotional habits to unlearn. Marg [/QUOTE]
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