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General Parenting
Sitting here crying, frustrated, overwhelmed..i could just scream! Kinda long sorry
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<blockquote data-quote="keista" data-source="post: 435904" data-attributes="member: 11965"><p>Yes, it can be so difficult. But you are both still early in the coping adjusting process - there is still hope for him. Hopefully some of the techniques you are learning and implementing WILL work, and that may open his eyes a bit.</p><p></p><p>My husband was very "old school" But he certainly surprised me by embracing son's Aspie diagnosis, and willingly embraced accommodations that went against his own thought processes. With DD1 we were both at a loss. Nothing seemed to work - not even spankings. Point is, no blanket techniques works for all parents and kids - both difficult child and easy child. My friend has NEVER put her kids in a time out. Instead, when they are acting up, she puts their "lovey" in the time out. I find it odd, crazy even, but it seems to work well for her and her pcs.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, more and more we are raising kids with more awareness of what causes problems and how to solve them. One way to think about it is child seats. Today, most parents don't think twice about the need for a child seat. - it's a given. Every state in the country has laws governing their use. When you were both born, is wehn those laws just started forming. My cousins are same age as you and they had child seats, but they weren't used ALL the time. I recall one 20 minute trip where I a 12 y/o held my baby cousin for the whole ride. This was normal and acceptable then. Today most parents would be horrified at the thought! </p><p></p><p>It is the same with HOW we parent our kids. Some states, by law, still allow spanking, those same states still allow corporal punishment in schools (yes, really) Others do not allow spanking at all - any form of hitting a child is considered abuse. With parenting and behavior and emotions, the problem lies in the fact that nothing can be PROVEN beyond a shadow of a doubt. We can prove through scientific methods that a car seat saves lives. We cannot prove beyond a shadow of doubt that spanking/not spanking damages/does not damage a child because there are way too many factors involved. Yes studies can be done citing positive/negative outcomes, but again, there are so many other factors involved - was the child a difficult child or a easy child, are the parents truly loving or abusive, economics, education, the sign they were born under. All these factors can muddle someone's thinking and opinions.</p><p></p><p>Keep moving forward with all your new information and techniques. husband may still come around. One way to get him thinking even more is to ask him what his plan might be. It seems as if he hits (dogs, kids) as an instinctual reaction - he has no plan. He just wants the behavior to stop. OK so for the short term it worked. The behavior stopped. How does he plan on keeping it from happening again? What can he and difficult child (or dog) do in the future to PREVENT the behavior. If you can get him thinking in these kinds of terms, you might have more success.</p><p></p><p>Another stumbling block we have as parents, it that our conscious memories don't go that far back. "When I was a kid, if I was told to do something, you better believe I did it!" Yeah, how old were you? Do you REALLY remember how you behaved when you were 4, 5, 6? Yes, we all have some memories from very young ages, and they may include discipline and or rewards, but generally these memories are of isolated incidences, not the day to day work that was put into us. Since we don't have such memories, we have to fill in our own blanks. Through friends, family and books, we get to see how other ppl do it, and decide what may or may not work for us. Men, too often, are not as observant, so they just rely on their preconceived ideas. The more he sees working, and the more he participates in the parenting process, the more he will be inclined to be open to "new" ideas.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="keista, post: 435904, member: 11965"] Yes, it can be so difficult. But you are both still early in the coping adjusting process - there is still hope for him. Hopefully some of the techniques you are learning and implementing WILL work, and that may open his eyes a bit. My husband was very "old school" But he certainly surprised me by embracing son's Aspie diagnosis, and willingly embraced accommodations that went against his own thought processes. With DD1 we were both at a loss. Nothing seemed to work - not even spankings. Point is, no blanket techniques works for all parents and kids - both difficult child and easy child. My friend has NEVER put her kids in a time out. Instead, when they are acting up, she puts their "lovey" in the time out. I find it odd, crazy even, but it seems to work well for her and her pcs. Yes, more and more we are raising kids with more awareness of what causes problems and how to solve them. One way to think about it is child seats. Today, most parents don't think twice about the need for a child seat. - it's a given. Every state in the country has laws governing their use. When you were both born, is wehn those laws just started forming. My cousins are same age as you and they had child seats, but they weren't used ALL the time. I recall one 20 minute trip where I a 12 y/o held my baby cousin for the whole ride. This was normal and acceptable then. Today most parents would be horrified at the thought! It is the same with HOW we parent our kids. Some states, by law, still allow spanking, those same states still allow corporal punishment in schools (yes, really) Others do not allow spanking at all - any form of hitting a child is considered abuse. With parenting and behavior and emotions, the problem lies in the fact that nothing can be PROVEN beyond a shadow of a doubt. We can prove through scientific methods that a car seat saves lives. We cannot prove beyond a shadow of doubt that spanking/not spanking damages/does not damage a child because there are way too many factors involved. Yes studies can be done citing positive/negative outcomes, but again, there are so many other factors involved - was the child a difficult child or a easy child, are the parents truly loving or abusive, economics, education, the sign they were born under. All these factors can muddle someone's thinking and opinions. Keep moving forward with all your new information and techniques. husband may still come around. One way to get him thinking even more is to ask him what his plan might be. It seems as if he hits (dogs, kids) as an instinctual reaction - he has no plan. He just wants the behavior to stop. OK so for the short term it worked. The behavior stopped. How does he plan on keeping it from happening again? What can he and difficult child (or dog) do in the future to PREVENT the behavior. If you can get him thinking in these kinds of terms, you might have more success. Another stumbling block we have as parents, it that our conscious memories don't go that far back. "When I was a kid, if I was told to do something, you better believe I did it!" Yeah, how old were you? Do you REALLY remember how you behaved when you were 4, 5, 6? Yes, we all have some memories from very young ages, and they may include discipline and or rewards, but generally these memories are of isolated incidences, not the day to day work that was put into us. Since we don't have such memories, we have to fill in our own blanks. Through friends, family and books, we get to see how other ppl do it, and decide what may or may not work for us. Men, too often, are not as observant, so they just rely on their preconceived ideas. The more he sees working, and the more he participates in the parenting process, the more he will be inclined to be open to "new" ideas. [/QUOTE]
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Sitting here crying, frustrated, overwhelmed..i could just scream! Kinda long sorry
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