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Situation with gfg32 has gone "beserkier"
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 619612" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>SS, I am sorry you are in turmoil again. Sometimes you just have to wonder if it will EVER stop.</p><p></p><p>Last night, we went out to happy hour like we usually do on Friday nights with a group of people. Driving home, we drove right past the 8-story jail where my son is. </p><p></p><p>I didn't feel anything. </p><p></p><p>I have driven past that jail so many times (it's on a major thoroughfare about 2 miles from my house)---I have cried, I have clenched up, I have gotten sick to my stomach, etc. He has been there so many times over the past four years. </p><p></p><p>Like Cedar said, what DO we feel anymore after all of this? I do still love him. Otherwise, I would not be so vulnerable to him. </p><p></p><p>But I also have lots of other emotions, like we all do. Underneath it is love, otherwise, I would be indifferent. I am not indifferent but I am detached. At least for today. Learning what detaching with love really means, one day at a time. Still not sure what it means, but I think I am doing it, somewhat (lol).</p><p></p><p>SS, last night I exchanged emails with my family about my difficult child as well. My nephew texted me to say my mom was wondering what happened Thursday in court. So I called, and they were out. I emailed them the outcome of the court, and then I also offered my thoughts and my approach. Reading it back to myself, it sounds harsh. Especially, I'm sure, to people who have not had to practice recovery from enabling. </p><p></p><p>The thing is, my family has been very supportive of the boundaries I have established. So far. They love their grandson, nephew, brother very much. They are horrified and distraught over the decisions he has made over the past four years. We have talked about it a lot---sometimes that is ALL we have talked about for weeks and months. I have done a lot to stop that as I don't want my thoughts, life, conversation and relationships to all be consumed by this one subject. </p><p></p><p>Writing things down here and other places helps me manage my thoughts.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if they will be able to withstand the pressure IF I am able to completely stop helping my son. He is very likely to turn that tremendous force and will on to them---my other son (his brother), my parents, my sister and her husband, etc. </p><p></p><p>And you know what? </p><p></p><p>I can't control that either. I know that will be hard for me to withstand, because they will be so hurt by him and he will continue his path of destruction, enabled by them. Not good for either of them.</p><p></p><p>But...and this is fundamental. We just can't control other people. We have to remember that means ANYBODY, not just our difficult children. It is so humbling and so frustrating to finally start to see the totality of what that really, really means. </p><p></p><p>We can't control our difficult children, who are so obviously self-destructing in living technicolor on a big screen for all to see. That is what most of us are working hard on. </p><p></p><p>But, We can't control our well-meaning relatives who love this person so much, and maybe THEY can get through to him, yada, yada, yada, so they're going to buy plane tickets or send emails back and forth or quote bible verses. One time my dad, who is now nearly 82 years old, took my difficult child to the library (my dad's favorite place) and sat him down for two hours to talk about hard work, responsibility, etc, etc. My dad loves quotes and threw a lot of quotes at my son, so I heard. You can imagine my son's response. </p><p></p><p>We can't control the thoughts of the communities where we live, where social media and online postings leave nothing to the imagination. I just learned over the past couple of months that there is an app that tells all of the warrants outstanding. I have friends who monitor those apps (I guess they don't have anything better to do). There is a lot of gossip. I have had to realize that more people than I ever imagined know a lot about all of the things my son has done. Some people who I used to be really good friends with LOVE to find out every little juicy piece of info about my son. And of course, others, who also know, are very compassionate and loving and supportive. </p><p></p><p>I am reminded of this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: </p><p></p><p>Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.</p><p></p><p>We just all change so much as we live through this sometimes unbearable journey. Our eyes are opened in ways we could never imagined.</p><p></p><p>And it hurts a lot. SS, I am so sorry that your sweet little mother is being hurt and caught up in your difficult child's drama. That her ways---Bible verses---which I happen to believe hold tremendous wisdom myself---don't change him. She just doesn't know the depth of the disease. She doesn't understand. </p><p></p><p>But she has a right to do what she wants to do. She is an adult. If she wants to spend her time and money this way, she can. </p><p></p><p>We have to learn how to stand by and allow this. To once again: stay out of the way of things that are really, really none of our business. </p><p></p><p>And none of our business = decisions other adults make. </p><p></p><p>But it hurts a lot. </p><p></p><p>I am moving, myself, toward the decision point of breaking off all communication with my difficult child for a while. I cried about that realization yesterday. I sat in my car and cried for about 5 minutes at the sadness of just the idea of it. I have resisted this act for so long, and I am still resisting it. I am not there yet. But I see it coming.</p><p></p><p>Because I am just spent with it all. I am bone-tired weary to my core of it all. And I value my own life to the point that I don't want to spend time, energy, money, hurt, etc., on more and more "stuff", i.e., drama, roundabout behavior/thinking/actions, all of the stuff goes nowhere just downward more and more. </p><p></p><p>If this is his choice. Then so be it. I am working on grasping that. </p><p></p><p>I will say I am definitely not there yet and my SO says I will never be really, really there because I am a mother. He says it's DNA and you can't totally get rid of DNA.</p><p></p><p>To which I said: Well, right now a "vague sadness" sounds pretty appealing. If I could---get to that state---that would be attractive to me, right now.</p><p></p><p>Oh, who knows?????</p><p></p><p>SS I hurt for you. I hurt for all of us, having to endure this all day after day after day. </p><p></p><p>Is this what God intended? Where is the end of this? Is there supposed to be an end? </p><p></p><p>Breaking it down for now: What will I do TODAY? How can I make TODAY the best it can be? TODAY is all we have. </p><p></p><p>The future will come soon enough, and we can't control that either. </p><p></p><p>Cheery words for a gloomy, gray Saturday morning (lol!). </p><p></p><p>Blessings, peace and prayers for you all today. I am grateful for each of you who posts your truth on this board.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 619612, member: 17542"] SS, I am sorry you are in turmoil again. Sometimes you just have to wonder if it will EVER stop. Last night, we went out to happy hour like we usually do on Friday nights with a group of people. Driving home, we drove right past the 8-story jail where my son is. I didn't feel anything. I have driven past that jail so many times (it's on a major thoroughfare about 2 miles from my house)---I have cried, I have clenched up, I have gotten sick to my stomach, etc. He has been there so many times over the past four years. Like Cedar said, what DO we feel anymore after all of this? I do still love him. Otherwise, I would not be so vulnerable to him. But I also have lots of other emotions, like we all do. Underneath it is love, otherwise, I would be indifferent. I am not indifferent but I am detached. At least for today. Learning what detaching with love really means, one day at a time. Still not sure what it means, but I think I am doing it, somewhat (lol). SS, last night I exchanged emails with my family about my difficult child as well. My nephew texted me to say my mom was wondering what happened Thursday in court. So I called, and they were out. I emailed them the outcome of the court, and then I also offered my thoughts and my approach. Reading it back to myself, it sounds harsh. Especially, I'm sure, to people who have not had to practice recovery from enabling. The thing is, my family has been very supportive of the boundaries I have established. So far. They love their grandson, nephew, brother very much. They are horrified and distraught over the decisions he has made over the past four years. We have talked about it a lot---sometimes that is ALL we have talked about for weeks and months. I have done a lot to stop that as I don't want my thoughts, life, conversation and relationships to all be consumed by this one subject. Writing things down here and other places helps me manage my thoughts. I don't know if they will be able to withstand the pressure IF I am able to completely stop helping my son. He is very likely to turn that tremendous force and will on to them---my other son (his brother), my parents, my sister and her husband, etc. And you know what? I can't control that either. I know that will be hard for me to withstand, because they will be so hurt by him and he will continue his path of destruction, enabled by them. Not good for either of them. But...and this is fundamental. We just can't control other people. We have to remember that means ANYBODY, not just our difficult children. It is so humbling and so frustrating to finally start to see the totality of what that really, really means. We can't control our difficult children, who are so obviously self-destructing in living technicolor on a big screen for all to see. That is what most of us are working hard on. But, We can't control our well-meaning relatives who love this person so much, and maybe THEY can get through to him, yada, yada, yada, so they're going to buy plane tickets or send emails back and forth or quote bible verses. One time my dad, who is now nearly 82 years old, took my difficult child to the library (my dad's favorite place) and sat him down for two hours to talk about hard work, responsibility, etc, etc. My dad loves quotes and threw a lot of quotes at my son, so I heard. You can imagine my son's response. We can't control the thoughts of the communities where we live, where social media and online postings leave nothing to the imagination. I just learned over the past couple of months that there is an app that tells all of the warrants outstanding. I have friends who monitor those apps (I guess they don't have anything better to do). There is a lot of gossip. I have had to realize that more people than I ever imagined know a lot about all of the things my son has done. Some people who I used to be really good friends with LOVE to find out every little juicy piece of info about my son. And of course, others, who also know, are very compassionate and loving and supportive. I am reminded of this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. We just all change so much as we live through this sometimes unbearable journey. Our eyes are opened in ways we could never imagined. And it hurts a lot. SS, I am so sorry that your sweet little mother is being hurt and caught up in your difficult child's drama. That her ways---Bible verses---which I happen to believe hold tremendous wisdom myself---don't change him. She just doesn't know the depth of the disease. She doesn't understand. But she has a right to do what she wants to do. She is an adult. If she wants to spend her time and money this way, she can. We have to learn how to stand by and allow this. To once again: stay out of the way of things that are really, really none of our business. And none of our business = decisions other adults make. But it hurts a lot. I am moving, myself, toward the decision point of breaking off all communication with my difficult child for a while. I cried about that realization yesterday. I sat in my car and cried for about 5 minutes at the sadness of just the idea of it. I have resisted this act for so long, and I am still resisting it. I am not there yet. But I see it coming. Because I am just spent with it all. I am bone-tired weary to my core of it all. And I value my own life to the point that I don't want to spend time, energy, money, hurt, etc., on more and more "stuff", i.e., drama, roundabout behavior/thinking/actions, all of the stuff goes nowhere just downward more and more. If this is his choice. Then so be it. I am working on grasping that. I will say I am definitely not there yet and my SO says I will never be really, really there because I am a mother. He says it's DNA and you can't totally get rid of DNA. To which I said: Well, right now a "vague sadness" sounds pretty appealing. If I could---get to that state---that would be attractive to me, right now. Oh, who knows????? SS I hurt for you. I hurt for all of us, having to endure this all day after day after day. Is this what God intended? Where is the end of this? Is there supposed to be an end? Breaking it down for now: What will I do TODAY? How can I make TODAY the best it can be? TODAY is all we have. The future will come soon enough, and we can't control that either. Cheery words for a gloomy, gray Saturday morning (lol!). Blessings, peace and prayers for you all today. I am grateful for each of you who posts your truth on this board. [/QUOTE]
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Situation with gfg32 has gone "beserkier"
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