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Situation with gfg32 has gone "beserkier"
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 619614" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>SS good morning.</p><p></p><p>MWM, Echo, Cedar and COM have offered remarkable insights and support................made more remarkable because our adult kids are all so amazingly similar in behavior and our despair over their actions runs deep and feels never-ending. I am so sorry. Sorry for all of the pain, all of the suffering, all of the hurts and profound disappointments. We all share those hurts and those disappointments...........</p><p></p><p>Just want you to know I'm riding along on your journey.</p><p></p><p>And, COM, just for the record, I don't agree with your SO about the DNA. Deep into my utter misery about my daughter's choices, I would have felt that way too, but there is an end, it does stop, it can be risen above...........not to say that is a cake walk, far from it, but if I can move through this to a place of having let go..............me, the Queen of enabling, the biggest mush head around, the sentimental long suffering fool, the rescuer extraordinaire......... you can too..............I always say this, that it is without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do..........and my life has had it's share of pain and suffering like everyone else, so saying it's the hardest thing is not said lightly............BUT, one can walk out of this difficult child world and back into peace and acceptance.</p><p></p><p>The thing that makes this so unbearably difficult is that these are our children, our most beloved, precious relationships, with all our dreams tied into them, all our hopes, all of our expectations..............and we are asked in this process to let them go. Geez. It's why I always strongly urge folks to get as much support as possible.........to take very good care, to put the focus back onto ourselves.............because we have to learn what feels impossible, we have to learn to be okay in the midst of a hurricane of self destruction our kids call their lives........</p><p></p><p>For me that required a serious step into a deeper zone, a glimpse of life from a perspective of the spirit, of taking a step back and realizing there was more at play here then simply my difficult child and me..........so I began addressing this as a spiritual journey of learning to have peace of mind in the middle of a war...........while guns are blasting, can one feel peace? Can we let go of our fears for them? Can we stop being angry? Will the resentment and sense of profound loss ever go away?</p><p></p><p>Getting continual and unrelenting support and looking at this as a spiritual journey was what saved me and lifted me out of the depth of the pain. I really don't believe we can do this alone, I think it has to be addressed on two fronts, the first, making sure we are surrounded by people who will support the changes, for me that was a lot of professional folks, trained in codependency issues and helping parents learn to let go. However, more important then that was addressing this as the biggest "lesson" of my life..........learning to be able to have peace of mind when my only child is literally at risk and often in misery by her own hand. My goal was not to save her because I did know I couldn't do that, my goal was to find peace of mind and acceptance with the reality I was facing.</p><p></p><p>I believe the final frontier is acceptance, I think detachment is the learning phase and if we get through that, acceptance is next. That is the point at which life begins to feel okay again. And, for me to get to that place required me to stay centered in the belief that we all have lessons, this letting go and stopping enabling was my lesson..........a biggie for me, one which has impacted my entire life in ways that robbed me of my true self. On the other hand, I then had to come to grips with the fact that my daughter also has her own lessons and not only can I not control that, I don't even know what they are..............so I had to let her go into her fate............without me.........to find her way. In the hands of a power far greater then me. Once my firm grasp began to let go and essentially, let God, the relentless pain subsided.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if I am explaining this well..........so much of this is in realms outside of our usual way of looking at things..........it is elusive and other-worldly to me..........it's beyond me and my difficult child...........it feels like the stages of dying where you have to face the ultimate loss, the real end game and if you are aware and conscious during that process, I imagine learning acceptance of that is pretty remarkable..........impermanence.........uncertainty.........for me this stuff with my daughter took me to the edge of what I thought I could actually bear............and yet, here I am, I lived through it and I am okay. I think I am as in awe of that as anyone. I don't know how to instruct another in how to do that other then support, self focus and addressing it as a spiritual journey of learning how to live in uncertainty, how to live without controlling, how to embrace impermanence, how to deal with a sort of death...........the death of what we perceived parenting to be about, our expectations, how our kids turned out.............. it's a big death. The recognition of my own sheer profound powerlessness, my complete lack of control..............and then my learning to trust the process.............to allow it to unfold without my interference............</p><p></p><p>Well, I don't know if that makes sense..............my attempt at offering comfort may fall short because words kind of get in the way of the real essence of what I'm trying to say here..................perhaps the best thing I can say is that it does get easier, that vague sadness you speak of can be conjured up but in many ways, even that will go away...........there is an end to the suffering..............stay centered in as sacred a place as you can find...........willing to show up in each moment, new............stay strongly rooted in the NOW. And, really, God bless us all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 619614, member: 13542"] SS good morning. MWM, Echo, Cedar and COM have offered remarkable insights and support................made more remarkable because our adult kids are all so amazingly similar in behavior and our despair over their actions runs deep and feels never-ending. I am so sorry. Sorry for all of the pain, all of the suffering, all of the hurts and profound disappointments. We all share those hurts and those disappointments........... Just want you to know I'm riding along on your journey. And, COM, just for the record, I don't agree with your SO about the DNA. Deep into my utter misery about my daughter's choices, I would have felt that way too, but there is an end, it does stop, it can be risen above...........not to say that is a cake walk, far from it, but if I can move through this to a place of having let go..............me, the Queen of enabling, the biggest mush head around, the sentimental long suffering fool, the rescuer extraordinaire......... you can too..............I always say this, that it is without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do..........and my life has had it's share of pain and suffering like everyone else, so saying it's the hardest thing is not said lightly............BUT, one can walk out of this difficult child world and back into peace and acceptance. The thing that makes this so unbearably difficult is that these are our children, our most beloved, precious relationships, with all our dreams tied into them, all our hopes, all of our expectations..............and we are asked in this process to let them go. Geez. It's why I always strongly urge folks to get as much support as possible.........to take very good care, to put the focus back onto ourselves.............because we have to learn what feels impossible, we have to learn to be okay in the midst of a hurricane of self destruction our kids call their lives........ For me that required a serious step into a deeper zone, a glimpse of life from a perspective of the spirit, of taking a step back and realizing there was more at play here then simply my difficult child and me..........so I began addressing this as a spiritual journey of learning to have peace of mind in the middle of a war...........while guns are blasting, can one feel peace? Can we let go of our fears for them? Can we stop being angry? Will the resentment and sense of profound loss ever go away? Getting continual and unrelenting support and looking at this as a spiritual journey was what saved me and lifted me out of the depth of the pain. I really don't believe we can do this alone, I think it has to be addressed on two fronts, the first, making sure we are surrounded by people who will support the changes, for me that was a lot of professional folks, trained in codependency issues and helping parents learn to let go. However, more important then that was addressing this as the biggest "lesson" of my life..........learning to be able to have peace of mind when my only child is literally at risk and often in misery by her own hand. My goal was not to save her because I did know I couldn't do that, my goal was to find peace of mind and acceptance with the reality I was facing. I believe the final frontier is acceptance, I think detachment is the learning phase and if we get through that, acceptance is next. That is the point at which life begins to feel okay again. And, for me to get to that place required me to stay centered in the belief that we all have lessons, this letting go and stopping enabling was my lesson..........a biggie for me, one which has impacted my entire life in ways that robbed me of my true self. On the other hand, I then had to come to grips with the fact that my daughter also has her own lessons and not only can I not control that, I don't even know what they are..............so I had to let her go into her fate............without me.........to find her way. In the hands of a power far greater then me. Once my firm grasp began to let go and essentially, let God, the relentless pain subsided. I don't know if I am explaining this well..........so much of this is in realms outside of our usual way of looking at things..........it is elusive and other-worldly to me..........it's beyond me and my difficult child...........it feels like the stages of dying where you have to face the ultimate loss, the real end game and if you are aware and conscious during that process, I imagine learning acceptance of that is pretty remarkable..........impermanence.........uncertainty.........for me this stuff with my daughter took me to the edge of what I thought I could actually bear............and yet, here I am, I lived through it and I am okay. I think I am as in awe of that as anyone. I don't know how to instruct another in how to do that other then support, self focus and addressing it as a spiritual journey of learning how to live in uncertainty, how to live without controlling, how to embrace impermanence, how to deal with a sort of death...........the death of what we perceived parenting to be about, our expectations, how our kids turned out.............. it's a big death. The recognition of my own sheer profound powerlessness, my complete lack of control..............and then my learning to trust the process.............to allow it to unfold without my interference............ Well, I don't know if that makes sense..............my attempt at offering comfort may fall short because words kind of get in the way of the real essence of what I'm trying to say here..................perhaps the best thing I can say is that it does get easier, that vague sadness you speak of can be conjured up but in many ways, even that will go away...........there is an end to the suffering..............stay centered in as sacred a place as you can find...........willing to show up in each moment, new............stay strongly rooted in the NOW. And, really, God bless us all. [/QUOTE]
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