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Situation with gfg32 has gone "beserkier"
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 620051" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It does help to know there are other parents loving self destructive kids, and to learn how they survive the horror of it, Strength. As you read more here, you will meet so many of us. Knowing there were other parents whose difficult child kids were doing the exact, same things ~ talking the same way, wrecking their cars the same way, dropping out of school, refusing to work, blaming the way they were raised ~ helped me let go of that guilty, I should have been a better mom thing that my son used to make me vulnerable. Just recently, thanks to the parents here on the site, I realized my son was manipulating me with the things I most regretted ~ that I had actually given him the secret ammunition he was using to devastate me. It was the strangest thing to see the icy coldness of him, Strength. I think he does love me? But...drugs do the strangest, most horrible things. I feel so sorry for him. I don't think he is using now.... Maybe he is. What I do know, and what you will see too, Strength, from reading on Substance Abuse and here on P.E., is that whatever we do doesn't help them. </p><p></p><p>It gets to be about cold survival. Especially once we are retired, the kids can, and will, destroy us financially.</p><p></p><p>We have to learn all we can so we can fight this without hating ourselves or our difficult child kids. It's really hard to learn that. </p><p></p><p>But we do, because we have to.</p><p></p><p>*********</p><p></p><p>Strength?</p><p></p><p>I was a Hospice volunteer too, for the longest time!</p><p></p><p>And my husband and I are retired, too. And our son has lived with us three times since we stopped working. And each time, it cost us a car, and deposit and rent money to get him on his own, again. And that is just how we looked at it, too ~ getting him out of our home.</p><p></p><p>And by the time he finally left? It was worth every penny.</p><p></p><p>I love what the Hospice patient said, about not being able to afford buying affection. That is good. Other good things are: </p><p></p><p>I love you too much to watch you self-destruct, and I am not going to give you money to help you do it. </p><p></p><p>Oh, that's terrible! What are you going to do, difficult child?</p><p></p><p>You are so bright and strong, difficult child. I know everything is going to work out for you.</p><p></p><p>No. Money. </p><p></p><p>No.</p><p></p><p>It is always appropriate to say: "Let me get back to you." Time is what we need, to clear our heads and make the response we meant to make, instead of letting the love we feel for our kids dupe us into saying and doing things that are bad for both of us.</p><p></p><p>I will post a link which addresses phrases and mindsets to use when talking to our adult kids in general, and to our adult kids who are using drugs. There is even something there about how to address the request for money when we are retired and "living the life of luxury" as my difficult child son describes it to anyone who will listen.</p><p></p><p>Spice is very dangerous, Strength. You do not want this son coming home.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 620051, member: 17461"] It does help to know there are other parents loving self destructive kids, and to learn how they survive the horror of it, Strength. As you read more here, you will meet so many of us. Knowing there were other parents whose difficult child kids were doing the exact, same things ~ talking the same way, wrecking their cars the same way, dropping out of school, refusing to work, blaming the way they were raised ~ helped me let go of that guilty, I should have been a better mom thing that my son used to make me vulnerable. Just recently, thanks to the parents here on the site, I realized my son was manipulating me with the things I most regretted ~ that I had actually given him the secret ammunition he was using to devastate me. It was the strangest thing to see the icy coldness of him, Strength. I think he does love me? But...drugs do the strangest, most horrible things. I feel so sorry for him. I don't think he is using now.... Maybe he is. What I do know, and what you will see too, Strength, from reading on Substance Abuse and here on P.E., is that whatever we do doesn't help them. It gets to be about cold survival. Especially once we are retired, the kids can, and will, destroy us financially. We have to learn all we can so we can fight this without hating ourselves or our difficult child kids. It's really hard to learn that. But we do, because we have to. ********* Strength? I was a Hospice volunteer too, for the longest time! And my husband and I are retired, too. And our son has lived with us three times since we stopped working. And each time, it cost us a car, and deposit and rent money to get him on his own, again. And that is just how we looked at it, too ~ getting him out of our home. And by the time he finally left? It was worth every penny. I love what the Hospice patient said, about not being able to afford buying affection. That is good. Other good things are: I love you too much to watch you self-destruct, and I am not going to give you money to help you do it. Oh, that's terrible! What are you going to do, difficult child? You are so bright and strong, difficult child. I know everything is going to work out for you. No. Money. No. It is always appropriate to say: "Let me get back to you." Time is what we need, to clear our heads and make the response we meant to make, instead of letting the love we feel for our kids dupe us into saying and doing things that are bad for both of us. I will post a link which addresses phrases and mindsets to use when talking to our adult kids in general, and to our adult kids who are using drugs. There is even something there about how to address the request for money when we are retired and "living the life of luxury" as my difficult child son describes it to anyone who will listen. Spice is very dangerous, Strength. You do not want this son coming home. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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