Skeleton's in the Closet (help)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, May 9, 2007.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I know when I do my searches thru my kids things that I stand the chance of finding something devistating. Understanding that, if I feel the need I plunge ahead.

    Tonight though, I get on MY computer for the first time in a very long time. N has left it logged into yahoo under her name. Her mail is up. Ok. So I start looking thru her in box, sent mail, files, ect.

    (My kids know they're subject to such searches without notice at any opportunity)

    This is not the first time I've gone thru N's email. But this time I'm sort of flipping thru one's she's sent to b/f. (mostly gagging at the teen luv mushy stuff) Then I stumble across one that makes my blood run cold.

    N is obviously fighting with b/f. In it she refers to liking some other boy named C, which ticked off b/f. But she was explaining that while she thought C was cute she had no real interest in him. But when she tried to explain this to C he threw her down on the bed, put a knife to her throat, ripped off her pants, and threatened to kill b/f if she didn't cooperate. She was explaining she cooperated to protect b/f.

    This is the first I've heard of this. Of course. Although I've suspected something of this nature before.

    Now, b/f has made statements to N that the baby isn't his since she was pregnant. He still does when mad. I believe this child is his. She may look like N, but she also looks like him.

    In later emails it sounds as if b/f may potentially be holding this over N's head. This C dude gets referred to ALOT without details in later emails she saved.

    Now what I'm going to do with this information I'm not quite sure.

    N doesn't know that I'm a rape survivor. easy child knows, husband knows period. I think it's time for N to discover the skeleton in her mother's closet. Maybe it will help to to deal with her own.

    Guys, I can truely use some help with this one. :sad:

  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh hon...I really have no advice. This b/f sounds like bad news. And difficult child is coming of age to where there won't be anything you can do about it very soon.
    Maybe a candid talk with her would be a good idea.

    Big big hugs and prayers your way, and keep us informed.
  3. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Oh no......

    I'm sorry, I don't know how to respond either.

    Just offering (((hugs)))
  4. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #000099"> oh, lisa, how this must sadden you.

    i do think it's time for you to share your survivor's story with-N. then hopefully she will open up & share with-you....maybe even attend a survivors support group.

    obviously sharing this info with-boyfriend was a bad idea. he's mean & vindictive to say the least & obviously not above using her confidences against her. to me that qualifies as abusive, but we've had that convo before, haven't we?

    my heart is aching for what both of you have been through. i can't imagine anything more painful for you than knowing that you beloved N is now going through the same thing.

    i'll be keeping you both in my thoughts.

    </span> </span> </span>
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    As long as she is aware that you do search her info on the computer once in awhile, then you should be able to tell her what you found, then go on to tell her what happened to you. Then again, you have to wonder if this definitley happened, or is she doing it to get boyfriend's attention?? Maybe she willingly had sex with him and didn't want to admit it, so she is saying she was forced?? You never know with our difficult child's. Maybe I'm thinking too much of the stories wingnut tells my difficult child about why she had sex with other guys. Not that I'm comparing the two, because there can never be another wingnut, but I'm just thinking of different things that may have happened here.
  6. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    When I read this I was thinking along the same lines as Karen--are you sure it happened? I'm only going on my experience but my difficult child 1 has claimed rape twice and I don't think it happened either time or at least the circumstances were not as she presented them. She went to hospital, had rape kit done, reported to police. The police had problems with her stories and so did I.

    So sorry you have to deal with this, let us know what happens...
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I know I always let my curiosity get the best of me and I used to always snoop around in difficult child's things when I had the chance. Sometimes I found things that were helpful in letting me know there was a real problem, and other times I found things that did nothing but stress me out because there was nothing I could do about it. Sometimes the less we know the better especially with our older difficult child's who in the end, there isn't much we can do anyway that we haven't already tried.
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Personally I would just tell her that you read that e-mail and that you would like to know if it really happened and if it did what help your daughter will be willing to accept. I do not think you need to share your rape experience. All you need to do is show concern and say that that sort of thing is very damaging to a person's psyche and that maybe she should seek some counsil. -RM
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I would not share your story with her. no need to.
    I would have paternity test done on the child.
    her biz how it came about. you can always tell her you saw her email but then she may be angry and clam up anyway.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Thanks ladies.

    N wasn't mad at all about me snooping. She just shrugged and said that's a Mom's job. Took her a while to figure out who and what I was talking about.

    N said that the email was when she and b/f were really fighting. It was during her pregnancy. Which means this is during a time when N was very unstable and without medications. She said "Oh, Mom. You mean that? I was just being overly dramatic and making it up to see if b/f would try to protect me."

    Since N has never been an actress, I have to take what she says at face value. Plus the girl can't look me in the face and lie to me. The topic didn't upset her in the least to talk about. Nor did she bat an eye or hesitate in her answers. Responded in the same manner, tone of voice she would if she were telling me about the baby's day.

    However, I do see where this would create conflict with b/f regardless.

    Did it happen? It's possible at that time that N could have resorted to such behavior to get b/f's attention. (Honestly, I prefer to forget much of that time frame as it was nitemarish for all)

    So for now, Mom's skeleton is still in the closet. I saw no reason to bring it into the conversation last night.

    Evidently this was one of N's bipolar/borderline moments. (she's had many) At least I will have to go with that unless something else pops up to make me think overwise.
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Lisa, I'm sorry that I am so late reading your post! It seems to have resolved itself in the best possible scenario. Kudos to you for handling it so well.

    And a hug for your past hurts. I'm so sorry.

    XXX Suz