Small Kanga update

[JJJ]

Kanga was obnoxious to me the last time we talked so I am taking a break from talking with her for a while -- so far just a week but I'm nowhere near ready to speak to her again. (The call ended with me telling her that if she followed through on her threats for her post-18 behavior that we'd get a restraining order so fast her head would spin.)

Meanwhile, she is spinning fairy tales to husband -- privlidges she is getting, etc. and complaining about how I hurt her feelings (cause I should know that threats/violence is just who she is and I shouldn't protect the others). Mostly I don't ask and he only tells me some of it. Today her new therapist called just to review her history with us to make sure that she has the important parts. Sad, but I can hit all the highlights without even thinking. This therapist seems good and she confirmed that to her knowledge (as of the treatment team meeting a few hours before) that none of those privledges had been granted, although Kanga did request them -- but she was caught AGAIN trying to get a boy to sneak into her room. She said that Kanga wants more freedom but shows no desire to follow the treatment plan to get them; that she will do the parts of the treatment plan that she feels like but that, especially when it comes to boys, if she doesn't want to follow the rules, she just won't.

therapist seemed to have really read Kanga's case file and have met with the therapist that is leaving about her. The only thing that she didn't sem to have gotten was the long history of false allegations that Kanga has. She knew there'd been a couple but not how many over the past 10 years and the increasing number of people she has accused. I think it ended Kanga's dream of getting a community mentor family with whom to spend her holidays.

therapist is 100% in favor of current plan to kep Kanga in the full-supervision unit until the end of the upcoming school year and then to move her to the transitional living apartments next summer. No one thinks Kanga will be ready, we all agree that it is a disaster waiting to happen, but if we do not at least move her there, she will walk at 18 cause "ain't no one gonna tell (her) how to roll".

Eeyore and Piglet were annoyed that talking to therapist almost made us late for their movie with their friends. Even out of the home for 3+ years and she's still messing with their lives! lol

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry that she is still refusing to use any of the tools she has been given, and that her thinking remains so delusional and violent. She was truly blessed when she joined your family and yet has done every possible thing to throw that blessing away. in my opinion it is incredible and amazing that you and husband are even willing to speak to her treatment team, much less her. I know a LOT of parents who would not have anything to do with her at all and would have reached that point years ago.

I know it hurts to have her treat you so badly, and to think that you can do nothing to change her. I truly hope that whatever disasters she creates do not inflict pain on the rest of the family. I have a feeling those restraining orders will be needed by her 18th birthday.

Many gentle hugs. At least this therapist is not falling for her poor, sweet little girl act.

 

[Shari]

Horrible thing to even think, but its too bad you can't shut off her ovaries.

 

[ML]

I'm so sorry 3J. That has got to be so difficult. I will pray that something gets through to her in the next year. In the meantime I have to say how much I admire how you've handled things. The other kids would have had no chance if she had stayed in the home.

 

[slsh]

JJJ - this was the hardest age. Impending "adulthood", the knowledge that they are completely unprepared for independent life, and their delusions of the grand scope of their abilities that have no basis in fact. I haven't checked on the listserv in a while, but I think another concern is whether funding will continue past 18 - regardless of stated aim to serve kids to 21, my gut says they're probably dropping kids once they hit 18 as a rule. With adult services being based on compliance and cooperation, kids like ours fall through the cracks.

I think it's time to adopt the bobble-head approach - neutral responses to her fairy tales. Keep in touch with- staff so that you're all on the same page, but don't expect Kanga to even get to the same book. I would really press staff to work on discharge planning *now* because I think there's a decent chance Kanga will walk at 18. It would be ideal if they could work on hooking her into the community there. Doesn't guarantee she'll stay or utilize resources but... that's about all that can be done. If she returns to Chicago there will unfortunately be many more opportunities for her to couch surf, etc. - basically, not work on getting a life. Though, realistically, I think probably anywhere our kids are they can find people who will take them in. It never ceases to amaze me.

husband and I had worked out all kinds of contingency plans once thank you was on his own. Letting kids' schools know thank you was *not* to be allowed to pick them up. We were prepared to install alarm system on house. Fortunately, thank you was so wrapped up in his own dysfunctional world that it was all a nonissue. We didn't hear from him for months on end.

Gentle hugs to you - I remember an overwhelming sense of desperation as thank you hit 17 and then 18. We cannot force them to be safe, to make decent decisions. Never could, but when they're out their on their own... it's incredibly difficult.

 

[JJJ]

Thanks Sue. You probably would believe how often I think of thank you when he was this age. The resemblence is scary. So far the only problems that have come out on the list is that the collab is sending the renewal paperwork to the 18 year olds who (shockingly - not) are not completing them in a timely manner. Kanga will be in her 8th semester of high school when her 1st renewal post-18 is due. She'll have enough credits to graduate even though she'll be nowhere near ready to be an adult.

Definite concurrent planning needed...we need her to stay there....far, far away....we're thinking of paying to move her to Georgia near an old foster mom if we can find her. If not and she reappears near us, we will have to move. I'm hoping that she won't recognize the others in a crowd but I think that is wishful thinking.

 

[Star*]

JJJ,

I'm so sorry it has come to this for Kanga, and for you. I think about her all the time - I really do. When you made the reference of similarity of her to CA it just sent chills down my spine. I guess I hand't realized just how far gone her behaviors were. If it breaks my heart, I can't imagine how you feel - even if she has been out of the house for this long. Are Piglett and Eeyore doing better all the around? I would think if Kanga goes at 18, her anger and her attitude would keep her from coming back wouldn't you think? Maybe like "I'll show you?" I dunno. I'll just keep this on the more than prayers list.

Sending hugs. You've done absolutely more than anyone I know would have done above and beyond. and you're still doing it. You are one amazing Mother.

Hugs & Love
Star