SNARL! Just another rant about the enabling dad.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Jul 11, 2011.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    difficult child got fired from her retail job in mid-June for stealing. Mr. Ostrich believes her story about how she was accidentally keying in a second coupon after scanning a she "didn't know" double coupons are not allowed. THIS after having told him that she was fired, over the phone no less, for not meeting her sales quota. This is a major national retailer. I don't think they made a mistake in this matter. Plus she signed a promisory note agreeing to make restitution. He believes her because, when the letter for loss prevention arrived (she doesn't have a key to his mailbox), she quickly provided the answer. Oh, it must be the truth then. So, why the lie in the first place if she is so misunderstood? Why, she was fired for BOTH things.

    So. It is now mid-July and she has made almost no effort to get a job. She whiles away her days watching netflix, posting on tumblr and facebook and hanging out with her dufus boyfriend.

    But she tells daddy she is applying EVERYWHERE. . and he believes her.

    He told her when she was fired that she had to come up with the $65 for her license stickers (due at the end of June). He would not pay it. Then he did - as a birthday gift. He told her he would not pay her car insurance (due this week) to the tune of $611. He would take her keys if she did not come up with the money. When he rescued her with the license plates, I pointed out that all she is learnign is to wait until the last minute and she will be rescued. If you do this with the insurance, you'll seal the deal. "OH, I am NOT paying the insurance. She pays it or I TAKE THE KEYS."

    Guess what.

    Yep, daddy paid the insurance. Of course, she has promised to pay him $51 per month. How, pray tell? How on earth will he enforce this? The insurance is PAID.

    Today, she posted on FB that she's watching the Order of the Phoenix ... to cheer herself up.

    I have no intention of speaking to him about this. He is the master of the excuse "why, she can't look for a job without a car." Sheesh!!!!!

    She simply never has to suffer any consequences. Drop out of school with no notice to parents? Dont' worry, dad will let you work part time - or not at all - continue to employ his cleaning lady so you don't have to lift a finger, subscribe to neflix and not make you pay rent. Get fired for stealing? Don't worry, daddy believes you - poor misunderstood thing. Steal money and vicoden from daddy? Well, he can't prove it.....can he?

    Thank you for letting me rant. There is nowhere - and I mean NOWHERE - in the real world where I can go with this and not sound like a crazy person.

  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Whew. I completely undertand your frustration and outrage. The good news is? It's not *you* she's doing this to, or who has to deal with this mess .. it's her dad! :-D

    Breath, detach, breath, detach....
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    You are definitely not a crazy person... you are very sane indeed!!! Her dad is going to have to learn that she is taking full and complete advantage of him....and she won't get a job or move forward until he stops making life so easy for her.
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Oh, I know he's going to have to deal with the fallout on this one. The funny thing is, he was always super permissive ....expcet when it came to money and ESPECIALLY money that affected HIM. I think part of his motivation in keeping her in wheels is that she spends many a night at boyfriend's (he does not have a car and rarely drives) which gives him the freedom he enjoys in his new single life.

    The sad thing is that, by believing (or pretending to believe ) her lies, by encouraging her magical thinking lifestyle, he's really delaying her seeking help for what the real problem IS. No stable 20 year old acts like she does, yet he claims she is perfectly fine.

    Being able to vent and rant HERE is what keeps me from engaging with him ... which would be a very bad idea.

    Thanks, guys.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Buy hid loan or at least........1/2 of it. In theory - sounds nuts right? Hear me out. Care to make a small wager?

    Okay here's the deal you make with Daddy Dumbest. Tell him that YOU WILL PAY HIM 305.50 UNLESS ------his daughter starts applying for a job and scans her applications and forwards them to BOTH yours and his emails immediately, and if they are not paper applications? If she fills them out on line? She forwards the emails to both yours and his emails of the VERIFICATIONS that she gets from each place that sends her the confirmations of emails when she's filled out the applications because they ALL do that. Trust me - they do.

    Now based on the amount owed - $51.00 a month -
    Breaks down to $12.75 a week
    Divided by 5 days of work or 2.55 applications needed a day (crazy math but I figure 12.75 divided by 5 = roughly 3)

    This would increase HER chances of finding a job each week by 15 applications - for part time to full time jobs thus enabling her to come up with a job at minimum wage of $7.50 an hour @20 hours a week which is $150.00 before taxes - and take home of about 115.50 net. x 4 weeks or 462.00 her first month. TOTALLY doo able. TO pay her Dad back in 3 months. OR depending on the deal you make with X? less time. Maybe she'd LIKE to show her Dad she's NOT a liar and IS looking for a job?

    Now the cool thing about this is - 1.) she MAY get a job in which she will still pay her Dad back possibly only 1/2 the money 2.) She's no longer doing nothing to get a job. 3.) No more hanging out with doofer 4.) You get shown up and have to pay x some money and he makes out like a bandit paid off early by shown up wife and non liar daughter. My thought - Daughter not a liar, out of house, working and out of your hair - worth the money. Put a counter deal in place that if she doesn't keep the job for X amount of months HE pays YOU back the cash and he agrees to let her fall and no more money for baby,.

    The downside could be 1.) Her dad finds out she's a LIAR as you told us. 2.) she's stuck IN your house without a car miserable teen under your nose. 3.) YOu are right, but well that's not bad.

    Just a thought - I mean kids especially teen girls LOVE to prove people wrong.....and if she's having to show YOU and Dad every day - her progress? NOT Just getting cards from places or going there and taking Iphone pictures....but real honest to gosh applications or emails.....of completed on line apps? Yeah - hows she gonna wiggle out of that? She's not.
  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Great in theory, but you're missing a very important component to this situation: she lives with daddy. It is daddy's cupboards that she raids while watching his netflix while the cleaning lady (yes, I had to be replaced by TWO people) cleans his house. She's not in my hair. I wouldn't put up with what she's doing (and didn't when she lived iwth me last summer), which is why she lives there.

    I don't have to prove that she's lying. I know she's lying. And if he had half a brain, he'd know it, too.

    I am not engaging - al all - with either him or with her on this matter. ..that's way too much energy spent for all the wrong reasons. But it does help to vent .... and to know I'm not alone.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    mother in law was an amazing person with a heart of pure gold and I simply adored her. Yet she drove me insane because she did the exact same thing with husband for many decades and did NOT stop until I put an end to it. I told her if she gave him one more penny it was divorce court for us. Her response to me was You can't! He'll come here! lol She stopped. Of course in later years she thought she was helping me and the kids........which she wasn't because 19 times out of 20 I never knew he even went to her, we never saw it, never benefited from it. But I learned from sister in law that this pattern had started way back in his childhood. So it wasn't all about the grandkids.

    I'd have put a stop to it years before I did if I'd had figured out what was going on sooner.