So embarrassed

[Wiped Out]

We went yesterday to visit my mom and my dad and his wife today. Both kids were so horrible most of the time; it was embarrassing. My mom doesn't have much money but she always tries to do nice little things for the kids-she finds bargains and they are just little things and then gives them a little cash.. Usually both kids are very gracious-they know she doesn't have much money.

Last night easy child/difficult child opened and ice scraper and a deicer from my mom. Instead of just saying thanks she said I'll be giving this away. One of the gifts she didn't even respond to. This stuff really ticked me off; she is 17 and knows better and I don't care if she is depressed or not she has no business acting like this.

This morning I tried to wake her up nicely to let her go sleep in another room because difficult child was up (Mom lives in a really small apartment) and no way was he going to sleep-it was only 5:30-she pitched a fit and was extremely rude to me. Then loudly complained it was too warm in the apartment and demanded I get her a glass of water which I wouldn't. I didn't have much choice as husband was in one room sleeping and my mom was in her room. The only other spot was the living room where easy child/difficult child was sleeping. These are only a few examples of her rudeness, unfortunately, she had many more moments of rudeness.

difficult child was just his normal difficult child self. He was swearing, telling my mom not to look at him, not to talk to him, etc... He was very manic like and very rude (nothing new but it is getting old).

Then today at my dad's easy child/difficult child was extremely mad and throwing another tantrum because my dad's wife was making one of her favorite meals (apple pancakes) and she had just eaten pancakes at my mom's. It was like she was mad at everyone for this although no one knew what the other was doing. By the time we ate it was a couple of hours later and she did end up eating but what a pain!

She picks on difficult child all the time and every little thing he says or does (even when he isn't being a pain) gets on her every last nerve and she makes sure everyone knows it. She spent most of the time at my dad's in another room. She never did talk much to anyone and then didn't eat any supper even though it was one of her favorites-a spaghetti dinner with garlic bread and a salad. She said she had already eaten too much in the past two days. Seems to me that she could have had a bit (other than the bit of salad she tried) just to be polite.

Both of my children difficult child or not should know how to behave better. The entire two days was stressful and I'm so glad to be home. I'm not even looking forward to Christmas at this point-hope that will change before Saturday.

Sigh...

 

[Fran]

What will you do if they aren't any better by Christmas? What a difficult situation when your kids are being rude and you are outside of your home.
I agree that at 17 difficult child/easy child should have manners and understand what the proper behavior to be a gracious guest are. Of course, it's so complicated by having difficult child being difficult also.
In a normal situation, I would have pulled easy child/difficult child up and out to the car the first time she is rude to the hostess. She could sit in the car while everyone else was eating apple pancakes or sit in the car while everyone else was opening gifts. If she couldn't be decent to grandmother then maybe gifts are something she doesn't deserve. What an ugly attitude and behavior. She doesn't sound like she is being a very nice person right now.

 

[Marguerite]

I am afraid I would have stopped proceedings and said to easy child/difficult child, "Let's try this again, but more graciously. 'Thank you, Grandma, it was a very thoughtful gift.' Now you try, repeat after me..."
What more could make it any worse? Even if she has a meltdown at this point - it could only make things better, because then you could say, "She's clearly not having a good day, this is not about your gift at all." Even if it is.

As for not wanting to eat because she'd already eaten too much - again, she could handle ti graciously. I would model it for her and make her repeat. I know she's 17 but clearly doesn't know how to behave properly do you need to teach her how until she DOES prove she can behave properly (at least, that's what you tell her when she protests your apparently treating her like a baby). "Thank you for offering food, it really looks delicious, I wish I had room for it. But in the last two days I really have eaten a lot more food than I usually do."

We model this way for difficult child 3 - a lot of the time, his rudeness is due to impulsivity or simply trying to say things in a hurry. But we make him go back and say it nicely. It's hard work sometimes! If we have to, we will correct our adult kids too. No exceptions.

Marg

 

[Fran]

WO, maybe "stop the world" that you use for difficult child needs to be implemented for easy child/difficult child also.

 

[ML]

I agree, this is just unacceptable and she is old enough to know better. What an exhausting trip. Thinking about you xo

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh wow. I would be livid. If my kids had done that to my parents, oh they still wouldnt be able to sit down this many years later!

 

[Frazzledmom]

It's funny, my difficult child gets away with almost anything except disrespecting his grandmother, when he does that I suddenly become so much more confident in my own skills, go figure. I can imagine how frustrating that was for you. Sounds like both kids were uncomfortable with the change. Ugh...can you stop doing something for them this week that makes a statement about how you feel?

 

[Wiped Out]

Fran-I agree she has an ugly attitude and behavior right now. I would have loved to put her outside in the car although it's doubtful she would have gone and with the cold weather it wouldn't have been practical. It's so hard to take things away from her when she doesn't seem to care about anything. I did tell her not to plan on going anywhere this week with the car. Stop the World might have to happen-however-for her it would be very difficult because she would be just as happy going to sleep as opposed to doing anything.

Marg-Good ideas about the modeling-I'm sure it would invoked a total screaming match on her part but like you said I then could have explained to my mom it wasn't about her. Surprisingly my mom handled the situation with-o getting upset which is totally not like her.

ML-Thanks-it certainly was exhausting.

Janet-I'm sending easy child/difficult child to you! You can expect her by Christmas-lol! I was livid!

Ploofl-difficult child has his consequence-he isn't allowed on the computer this week and easy child/difficult child isn't taking the car anywhere so hopefully that will help.

easy child/difficult child is definitely a moody child and hard to figure. Last week she and I had an amazing talk-I felt closer to her than ever. Then she pulls this stuff this weekend. Now she is voluntarily (seriously no one even hinted that she should) doing the dishes. Of course, she literally has been doing them for more than 3 hours. She washes each dish by adding soap-won't add a bunch to a sinkful of water and then wash. So she is doing something nice but screaming every time someone asks her a question or difficult child gets even a bit loud. Argh!!

 

[Jena]

hey sorry i know that easy child attitude real well unfortunately. i think with-easy child alot of it strives from her resentment towards difficult child for years of attention, doctor's etc and always feeling like the "other" kid even though she ofcourse isnt'.

I don't know what to say, i've done the modeling thing and for my 17year old easy child and i'm sure yours they know the right away to act they just chose to grab attention from all with their rude behavior. kinda like hey look at me! at least that's what i've thought in similar circumstances. i've let my mom plant her plenty of times if she got out of line. id' just walk away and detach not give her what she was wanting. that's just how iv'e done it because easy child can be so rude and nasty. i dont' always accomplish it though

 

[barneysmom]

Hi there,

Well my first reaction is that easy child sounds irritable -- like biochemically irritable. Unable to keep her mouth closed -- extreme impulsivity. My gfg13 gets like this. He often seems obsessed with picking on 17, and everything 17 does seems to send him into outer space (at times I wish he would complete the journey :~)

It could be the holidays. She is at a tender age and this is so unlike her (when she was easy child without the easy child/difficult child).

With gfg13, I've been giving him a lot of support and asking him how we can help him through this irritability, and emphasizing the unkind and even cruel remarks he makes, which I don't believe are indicative of his true nature. I keep emphasizing kindness. We do keep up with the consequences though, as you are with your kids.

Your easy child sounds like she is about 12 (or less). So something's going on that's got her dragged down to that level. Interesting in your other post that she can do what she's supposed to, and have a good talk with you, but maybe doesn't have the energy left for basic civility. She is having a rough patch. Any little visit is just too much.

Could be all wet. Just brainstorming and writing the first thoughts that came into my head.

Good luck. Maybe lower your expectations.

Jo

P.S. I've been thinking we can't underestimate the influence of the holidays on our kids. The wild undercurrent is destabilizing.

 

[timer lady]

easy child/difficult child is incredibly ungrateful. I no longer care of the diagnosis, the situation, etc, at this age, unless you're dealing with a crisis or an emotional age far different from her physical age there is no excuse. She's been taught better & by the best (you & husband).

Sharon, stop the world for ktbug is her cell phone. This absolutely kills her ~ she texts like a maniac. AND it took her almost a year to earn that privilege back.

in my humble opinion, easy child/difficult child would have no privileges until/unless she writes a sincere letter of apology. It's a stop & think thing for the tweedles. No driving, cell phone, online, etc.

If it makes you feel better I'm in the same position with ktbug. She's getting "edgy" & ugly & in my face. I'm not so much embarrassed as I am on my last nerve.

Take care my friend. Try the "stop the world" with easy child/difficult child. It can't hurt.