So Many Questions??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Pookybear66, May 27, 2009.

  1. Pookybear66

    Pookybear66 New Member

    Hi! Some of you may remember me from a few months back, others may not. So first I'd like to send a well wish to all in the hopes that things are going smoothly. I have not been able to go back and read all the comments and catch up on what I've missed. I did however, read a few that were recently posted before i began here tonite.
    I want to say that just reading that you all have similar feelings and issues calms me down a bit-thank you!
    But the real reason for my post is questions. I have always been a "why" person. I need to understand "why" things work, not how or what they're called, but "why". So-how do you all fight the daily struggle of wondering "why" your difficult child's are the way they are? Also, maybe even more importantly-how do you fight the fear of them growing up? How do you stop worrying about them needing help every step of the way and possibly not getting it? Of getting angry at someone one day and that someone taking revenge and hurting them or your difficult child hurting someone else because they don't understand they can't always have their way? Or.... oh so many questions?
    I want this kid to move out in 8-10 yrs. i had enough headaches so far. But will he find a job to suit him? Will he be able to remember to pay rent on time? Will he have a girlfriend willing to put up with "his ways"? I know I can't predict the future but I need to here it will all work out.
    Thank you for listening.
  2. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Hi there,
    I had similar questions too, and now my DS is 19. Even when he returned home six months ago, with reconfirmed diagnosed schiitzophrenia; ODD and a whole host of things (which had been diagnosed in his early teenage years) I wondered 1)can I cope? 2) is my love enough? 3)what does the future hold? 4)will he stay forever (scary one)

    Well, six months later, he has finally accepted his medications without challenge, I don't have to dread taking him to the doctor and wondering if we will have a fight about the needle etc.
    He has held a part time job for most of that time; He now inthe past few weeks is actually lookingn around and out for others and OFFERING to help
    His condition is such that he doesn't see much further than a foot in front of himself, therefore he only looks out for himself, but there are glimmers of hope.

    I think I worried myself into a stressball about what his future will hold...
    Noww I hand it all over to Him who has strength for it...

    He still wouldn't make a call for an appointment, remember it, hasn't changed his sheets for 3 montsh.. needs to be reminded to use soap AND water; and lots of other simple and irritating behaviours. He doesn't burn so many pots now.... can reheat without melting the tupperware (because he is supposed to take it OUT first);

    I hope he will transition to independent living with a little help from me to get him through, but that is a little further down the track I think.

    If we worry about time too far ahead , we wouldn't make it through another day, week, month. So, I think with kids like this, we take ONE day at a time, and don't plan too much more than a week. That is easier for us and child. We're not expecting too much of them, but we are paying them the respect of expecting something of them, just like any other 'so called' 'normal'?? kid.

    Good luck, I hope this helps.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I have worries like that, too. My son did get to a point where I feared he would kill himself then he ended up pulling a knife on me and I worried what would happen the next time he got to that point. The only thing I can say that helps, although it doesn't remove all worriies, is to try to stay focused on making informed decisions about what is in the child's best interest, doing the best I can to support and accommodate that, then remembering that many things never turn out the way I think they will so there really is no way to determine or predict and only so much anyone can do to prepare for whatever the future might hold and what decisions he'll make for himself. That probably sounds like a lot of mumbo-jumbo but it's the only thing keeping me going right now.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Pooky, in all honestly no body can answer the questions, not even professionals. It's impossible to know for sure the "why" of anything and even less possible to know the child's future. There are a few scenarios and that's about it. But there are too many outside factors to be able to give answers. All of our kids turn out differently. Many continue to struggle and need outside intervention even as adults. Some get controlled with medications. Some start using drugs and that brings in a new set of problems. Some improve with age. Some end up in jail.
    If only we could look into a crystal ball! My son is fifteen and I'm still not sure of his future. He's on the autism spectrum and there are so many different outcomes with spectrum kids--it is still hard to predict. So we learn to live one day at a time. It's the only way. I'm sorry there aren't better answers.
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Hi, welcome back. Really you need to concentrate on the here & now. Work on the life skills that your difficult child will need, medication compliance, etc.

    If I spent my time wondering why or how I'd never have gotten anything accomplished & I'd be wallowing in pity by now.

    Stay in the present & let the future play out as it will. That's the best any parent can do.
  6. Pookybear66

    Pookybear66 New Member

    Thanks for all your support. I know in my brain that I'm supposed to take it ODAAT but in my heart I just need some reassurance that he will turn out to be a great asset to society in some way. I am just wondering if I'll have to worry about this all my life. It's very tiring to always have my brain in "worry mode".
  7. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Pooky - I think you're asking the exact same questions I asked 8-10 years ago. I am a control freak and wanted to know what I needed to prepare for, and how to best prepare difficult child. It just cannot be predicted. So many variables, so *much* growing and maturing in your son's future.

    My difficult child is 18 and I still worry about him flipping out at the local 7-11 because they don't have his brand of gum, LOL. I don't know, maybe that's more my problem now than his - the worry anyway.

    There are no guarantees that any of our kids, easy child or difficult child, are going to be an asset to society. I think most parents don't even think about that "what if", and lucky them. ;)

    "But will he find a job to suit him? Will he be able to remember to pay rent on time? Will he have a girlfriend willing to put up with "his ways"?" I think these are normal concerns that *every* parent worries about.

    It's definitely OODAT. Focus on the issues today. Watch him, let him show you as he does mature (and he will) what he is capable of doing and where he may need support. No one has a crystal ball - you gotta trust me on that one, I've been searching for it for 2 decades now. :)
  8. Pookybear66

    Pookybear66 New Member

    Well thank you all again. I got through another day. Today was better than yesterday for him but I of course still had issues. LOL! It's comforting to know that we are all in the same boat. I wanted to know where we were all headed. But since you don't know, and have assured me the adventure will be worthwhile, I think I will try to just enjoy the ride. Hopefully it will be less bumpy as time goes on.:)
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When my kids were your kids age I also wondered what was ahead. I had one I didnt worry about at all. I thought he would sail through life with no bumps. He was my easy kid. Didnt cause a bit of oldest.

    Then there was my middle son who couldnt sit still if you hogtied him but was funny and bright and so much fun. He was cute as a bug's ear and everyone adored him. Except for being ADHD he was a dream child.

    Then we had Cory, although he was a handful, he was also my lil huggy bear. He was adorable but a devil in disguise. You just never knew what he was going to do next.

    Jamie set a goal for himself from about 8 years old that he wanted to be a Marine just like his Papa. He never waivered. That kept him on track to being pretty good and staying out of trouble. He went into the service right out of HS and the Marines gave him his career. He is doing great now. We couldnt ask for a better adult child.

    Cory took a more troubled path. He dropped out of HS, got in trouble with the law, and we had to push him out of our nest. However, he is growing up now and doing much better. Finally!

    Oddly enough it is our "easy child" that is having the hardest time. We have discovered that he is somewhere on the Aspie spectrum and he simply doesnt seem able to get a move on leaving our nest. Who would have thunk it all those years ago?