Welcome. Put guilt aside. I had my first three kids in full-time long day care (that's 12 hours a day or more) from 12 weeks old. They thrived. It is a fallacy that good child care is bad for kids - it actually has been shown to benefit them. Certainly your son has been thoroughly socialised, so any problems are NOT due to lack of social opportunity. With all you have given him, if he is having social/behavioural problems, there is something underlying. Stop seeing yourself as the cause, and look for a diagnosis. NOT something so basic and misleading as ODD, either.
This past year, he has been evaluated for both ADD/ADHD and Aspergers. Now they are saying ODD.
Who evaluated? The school? Insufficient. And ODD is too easy, it also tends to blame the child. And often the parent. Inappropriately.
With ODD, you see this in a number of situations, usually where an underlying (often undiagnosed) disorder is leading the child to behave a certain way. We as parents try to discipline this by pushing the child in a different direction.But the child 'knows' at some level, that he can't do what he is being asked to do, or he seems to need whatever he is pushing for (because he knows of no other way to cope). So ODD (oppositional behaviour in the child) is often PRECEDED by oppositional behaviour toward the child in a disciplinarian. We teach the child how to oppose.
ODD develops fastest in children who learn by imitating. So you have to throw typical strictness out of the window and go back to basics to a reward system. You also have to treat the child as you wish the child to treat you.
Think about this carefully, observe your own behaviour toward him. Observe teachers' behaviours towards their students. Observe other parents' behaviour towards their kids. Think of the common phrases. "I've told you a hundred times, don't exaggerate!" "If you do that again, you'll get a spanking!" "For pete's sake, stop whining! I can't think while you complain!"
If we spoke to our parents like that, or our friends, or our employers, we'd be seen as strange. But when our difficult child kids talk back to us this way, we need to see that all they are doing is following our example. Some kids need to "do as I do" and NOT "do as I say".
"Explosive Child" explains this better. Also check out the Early Childhood forum, there is a sticky there which can give you more information on applying this book to younger children.
I formally requested Learning Disability (LD) testing but the school has denied it "temporarily", saying they wanted to work on a behavior management plan first.
That is just bizarre. If he had a serious hearing problem that was behind his current behaviour issues, it would make sense to fix the hearing problem first and then work on any residual problems. No, they MUST test if you formally request it. Don't be browbeaten. This is a child who should not have this level of social and behavioural problem from his environment, and frankly, calling in the behaviour team is implying that they think simple behaviour modification can fix it. Not if the underlying issues aren't dealt with.
We had the behaviour team involved with difficult child 3. He did have a diagnosis (autism) so they had that knowledge. But frankly, he was already behaving as well as he could; no stragegies put in place by the behaviour teacher were able to be used by difficult child 3 when he was upset, because his imulse control went out the window when he was raging. And what made him rage? Bullying from other kids, plus teachers who tried the "irresistible force meeting the immovable object" option, which is a mistake.
We also had the autism association caseworker visit the school to advise the teacher. This teacher later refused to have any more therapists ever, for any child, observe her in class. Talk about paranoid! She also didn't like being told by anyone, that there was a better way. She was a huge part of the problems for difficult child 3.
The advice she was given - avoid "no" statements with difficult child 3. Example - if difficult child 3 is tapping a pencil on the table and annoying people (he would do this without thinking, like a stimulant) then you shouldn't say, "Stop tapping the pencil!" because tat pushes his internal anxiety up another fractional notch which increases the need to stimulant (and therefore to keep tapping the pencil, or tap it more). Instead, you put it as a positive statement. "Please put down that pencil and come over here to me." That achieves so much more effectively, at so many levels. The tapping stops, the pencil leaves the child's hands, the child changes location, therefore the child changes activity.
With the current oppositional behaviour you're all observing - "no" statements aggravate this (and could be considered at least part of the cause, plus a disapproving teacher in the recent past). It's easier for a child to respond positively to a positive statement.
I have a different approach to the physical attacks, to a lot of people here - especially when the child is young, I don't see this as the child being a danger, or nasty, or needing serious intervention, or being dangerously disturbed. Children are naturally violent when baulked. Especially younger ones with a short fuse and poor impulse control - they physically lash out first and ask questions later. I remember I was a fairly decent kid who did well in class. But socially I was isolated and hadn't had the same social opportunities. I also had a very strong sense of injustice. One incident - I was at a new school, I was 8 years old. I was trying to make friends (in my hamfisted way) and the girl I was trying to be friendly with, turned her back on me. So I bit her on the shoulder she so handily presented. I knew it was not good as soon as I did it, but she had made me so angry that my teeth itched. The teacher yelled at me, so I went and hid under a bush in the garden. Amazingly, I didn't get into worse trouble. It did teach me a lesson - biting is immature and won't win friends either. Find another way to deal with frustration. But I wasn't a dangerously disturbed child, I just hadn't known any better plus I had never felt so frustrated, so was unskilled in dealing with tis.
A child who gets far more easily frustrated (either a short fuse, or far more to deal with than we realise, or both) is going to have anger issues and behaviour problems. You can't fix tis with behaviour modification, if you haven't previously worked on the underlying problem. In difficult child 3's case, his autism was the reason he lacked social skills and was also responsible for his short fuse. He has a very high need to do thins his way, and to follow his obsessions. If people deliberately interpose themselves between him and his desperation to do what he feels he must, his frustration can climb. And he can get so frustrated that he explodes. He does know enough now, to try to control himself. He also knows he can exert stronger effort especially with people whose own reactions he is less sure of. He knows us and knows how we will react; he knows he is loved unconditionally, so actually we see his worst behaviour because he can "let his hair down" more with us. mother in law for example, needles difficult child 3 (she sees it as her job, to keep him off balance and get him used to having to cope with teasing) but she gets upset if he loses his temper with her. difficult child 3 will put up with a lot form her, but less os lately since we are spending so much more time with her. Familiarity doesn't so much breed contempt, as complacency.
You need to develop your own, different, ways of handling him and his automatic opposition. The first thing you must do, is stop opposing him automatically. Because you have modelled this for him. Obviously not intentionally, and not in ways that are bad parenting. It's just bad luck that with this kid, it was a bad idea. You had no way of knowing that. But you know it now, and it can be turned around very fast. I mean within days. But as Dr Phil says, "You have to be the hero." He's just a kid. You're the adult. So you change your behaviour, and he will change his, toward you.
So if you say "black" and he automatically answers, "white", then instead of saying "black" louder, stop. Say, "White, eh? Why?" and make him explain why. Listen to him. Let him feel heard. Then explain your own statement *briefly) and let him respond. Let him try to understand. Discuss. Because this kid has show he can be very stubborn, and if you constantly engage in battles of will, you will lose. And of course, that means he also will be the loser. But if you can channel this stubbornness he has, into self-discipline, you will both win. Can't say the same for his teachers, but they have to fight their own battles. Once you get the hang of this, you can give them pointers. If they will listen.
Now, I'm not advocating a general attitude of "let's explain everything in detail to every child, let's reason with them always even when they've done a bad thing," because I've seen too many examples of this being senseless. Sometimes a kid does a bad thing (deliberately shoves another kid to make them fall over) and you have to react with a short, sharp response. "You! Get over here now! And apologise to your sister for shoving her into the dirt!" You know when it will work and when it won't, after a while.
Or if you're still in the early stages and that happens, you can say to your child, "What were you thinking?" because tis requires a considered response from him, you have given him the chance to defend his action, although it had better be good!
If your child is able to say, "I'm sorry I shoved her, but she grabbed my toy and made me so mad!" then at least you have an insight into what made him do it, and he has obviously already learned he did the wrong thing. The lesson is all. Reparation and natural consequences are also part of the lesson - if he pushed his sister, she won't want to play with him for a while. Natural consequence. Or you might observe he's a bit edgy, a bit upset, and gently suggest he take some quiet time in his room, or somewhere he likes to be, doing something quiet away from others, until he has got his self-control back. This is not punishment, it is self-management. It teaches just as effectively, if not more so, than sending him to his room. It's almost the same thing, but it is far more positive for the child. And the outcome is just as good, if not better.
When you have a difficult child you need to change your approach as a parent. But do not bet yourself up for therefore being a bad parent - you're here, so you're not. It's just tat some methods don't work so well for our kids. It's good tat there are other ways.
Again, welcome. Let us know how you get on. If you need help in knowing how to convince the school to do what they should, there is more practical advice here from those who have been through YOUR school system before. People here know the magic words that will make things happen (and it's not always "please").
Marg
