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SO very mad!!!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 568309" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Maybe it is time to step back. Clearly husband isn't seeing or dealing with the day to day issues. She is very loved by you, but maybe you need to be the disney step mom and do the fun stuff. When she breaks rules, call dad at work. When she runs up a bill, give it to dad to pay. Need money for something? Ask Dad. School calls? Tell them to call him.</p><p></p><p>My husband got VERY tired of this and asked why I wasn't 'being the mom'. I responded that mom was harder and I wanted to be 'the dad' and only do the fun stuff. Since I had done it for over a decade, it was his turn and I was 'taking a break". He asked how long? was told, until I change my mind, which won't be this year. </p><p></p><p>I stuck to it. I made him deal with school calls and had him then call me to go if a kid needed picking up. I w ould do it, but I would NOT take the call from school. Dr appointment? Don't feel good? Tell dad cause I don't know how to call the doctor. I will take you, but dad has to make the appointment, give me a list of what is wrong and what he thinks would help, and tell me when and wehre you need to go. </p><p></p><p>My husband was crying and BEGGING for help in under three weeks. He started off that it was 'no big deal' and I was 'overreacting'. Since I was, and it was 'no big deal', then it wouldn't be a big deal for him to do it either, right? I got a HUGE apology, and a lot more help and support after this. </p><p></p><p>I know it seems strange to hand over the reins, esp when things get ALLLLL messed up, cause they will at some point. The trick is to keep calling Dad to see how to fix whatever it was. My husband couldn't stand the calls at work. I asked him how he thought I felt when he used to call me at work to ask how long to cook a frozen pizza or frozen veggies? It wasn't like he couldn't read, he called me because he didn't want to do the task and wanted me to do it because it was too much work for me if he did it. He really really really hated that I called him on that every. single. time. I used to talk him through reading the directions on the pizza box. "What does the box say the oven temp should be" "So you should heat the oven to that. What does the box say it should be cooked on? So that is what you should do." And so on. I NEVER gave him a direct answer and always made him read the directions to me and then told him to do that. </p><p></p><p>Part of the reason this worked is that I made it a lot of trouble for him. It would take my husband much longer to call me to tell him how to cook something than if he just read it. That was the entire point of my answers. If it is too much work fo them, then they have to support you to the kids. Otherwise? They can handle it themselves.</p><p></p><p>You are difficult child's stepmom. I know you love her and watn the best for her, but she is his biological child. You likely took over the 'mom' role at some point because that is what women do. BUT that lets the father out of having to be responsible and they can be there for the 'fun' stuff and undermine us to make the child happy. That is when you transfer the pain and problems to the father, until they are so sick of it that htey beg you to help. I usually waited af ew days after my husband begged for help because I really, really, really wanted him to learn the lesson that he is just as responsiible as I am. In your case? Your husband is MORE responsible for difficult child, so he should be given more of the unfun parts of parenting. </p><p></p><p>Just my opinion, of course. My husband almost NEVER undermines me any more. HE is afraid I will make him deal with everything if he does.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 568309, member: 1233"] Maybe it is time to step back. Clearly husband isn't seeing or dealing with the day to day issues. She is very loved by you, but maybe you need to be the disney step mom and do the fun stuff. When she breaks rules, call dad at work. When she runs up a bill, give it to dad to pay. Need money for something? Ask Dad. School calls? Tell them to call him. My husband got VERY tired of this and asked why I wasn't 'being the mom'. I responded that mom was harder and I wanted to be 'the dad' and only do the fun stuff. Since I had done it for over a decade, it was his turn and I was 'taking a break". He asked how long? was told, until I change my mind, which won't be this year. I stuck to it. I made him deal with school calls and had him then call me to go if a kid needed picking up. I w ould do it, but I would NOT take the call from school. Dr appointment? Don't feel good? Tell dad cause I don't know how to call the doctor. I will take you, but dad has to make the appointment, give me a list of what is wrong and what he thinks would help, and tell me when and wehre you need to go. My husband was crying and BEGGING for help in under three weeks. He started off that it was 'no big deal' and I was 'overreacting'. Since I was, and it was 'no big deal', then it wouldn't be a big deal for him to do it either, right? I got a HUGE apology, and a lot more help and support after this. I know it seems strange to hand over the reins, esp when things get ALLLLL messed up, cause they will at some point. The trick is to keep calling Dad to see how to fix whatever it was. My husband couldn't stand the calls at work. I asked him how he thought I felt when he used to call me at work to ask how long to cook a frozen pizza or frozen veggies? It wasn't like he couldn't read, he called me because he didn't want to do the task and wanted me to do it because it was too much work for me if he did it. He really really really hated that I called him on that every. single. time. I used to talk him through reading the directions on the pizza box. "What does the box say the oven temp should be" "So you should heat the oven to that. What does the box say it should be cooked on? So that is what you should do." And so on. I NEVER gave him a direct answer and always made him read the directions to me and then told him to do that. Part of the reason this worked is that I made it a lot of trouble for him. It would take my husband much longer to call me to tell him how to cook something than if he just read it. That was the entire point of my answers. If it is too much work fo them, then they have to support you to the kids. Otherwise? They can handle it themselves. You are difficult child's stepmom. I know you love her and watn the best for her, but she is his biological child. You likely took over the 'mom' role at some point because that is what women do. BUT that lets the father out of having to be responsible and they can be there for the 'fun' stuff and undermine us to make the child happy. That is when you transfer the pain and problems to the father, until they are so sick of it that htey beg you to help. I usually waited af ew days after my husband begged for help because I really, really, really wanted him to learn the lesson that he is just as responsiible as I am. In your case? Your husband is MORE responsible for difficult child, so he should be given more of the unfun parts of parenting. Just my opinion, of course. My husband almost NEVER undermines me any more. HE is afraid I will make him deal with everything if he does. [/QUOTE]
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