Some of the concerns for Beaner

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Junniper65, Jul 11, 2007.

  1. Junniper65

    Junniper65 New Member

    Hi there. I'm fairly new here myself, but the last two items you listed sound like something to do with AS ... My son has high functioning autism, and used to line up toys, books, heck anything he could get his hands on. And the rocking sounds like stimming... Again, just two things that jumped out at me. :smile: I hope you get a diagnosis soon, not knowing is hard.

    I'm also a single mom and just graduated a year ago, it'll feel awesome when you finally do! You are definitely a busy woman! :p
     
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    lovemyson

    Your son sounds more on the autistic spectrum than the other dxes mentioned. At least to me. I recognize alot of those behaviors as Travis had them at about that age, plus with the speech/behavioral therapy.

    If your son is on the spectrum, there are alot of new programs and wrap around services available that didn't exist when Travis was 5.

    The defiance and anger may stimulant from pure frustation. It did with Travis. Once we figured out his triggers and did our best to avoid the ones we could it subsided. And there are autistic kids who enjoy attention from family. Travis is one of the most affectionate people I know. (he could smother you as a kid)

    Have you had any thoughts of neuropsychologist testing? Sometimes the school will help you get it done and even pay for it.

    I don't blame you for not being eager to medicate. Travis never took medications except those he needed for his seizures. Nichole didn't take medications til there was no other choice. I'm all for tring all other possible methods before trying medications.

    (((hugs)))
     
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Good luck with finding things out. Don't expect too much from the EEG & EKG, they are still in the blunt instrument category for a lot of brain wiring problems. But hey, every bit of information is worth going after.

    In the meantime, have a look at the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on http://www.childbrain.com. It's not officially diagnostic but it CAN give you some food for thought. You can also print out the result and let your doctor see your thoughts and concerns, gelled on paper.

    Don't let the label of autism (as a possibility) scare you. Especially these days, it can open doors. And what we used to consider as autism (and how to deal with it; ie not) is very different nowadays.

    Treating you as an equal (which is how I interpret what you said) fits. Socially they don't distinguish well between how they should behave with peers, compared to how they should behave with those in authority. They model their behaviour on the examples set for them. So mentally, put yourself in his shoes. You're a kid sitting on the floor, lining up your toy cars. Mum says, "Go and have your bath, Tommy."
    Tommy considered the cars being more important - the task isn't over until they're all lined up in the right way. To leave t hem with the task incomplete would be to have a nagging feeling the whole time he's away from them. So clearly, the bath will have to wait a few minutes. (This thought process takes time - at least a few seconds. Plus, past experience has shown him that he will be ignored if he tries to explain - and it's too difficult anyway, people don't seem to 'get it').
    Mum, meanwhile, angry at being ignored, says, "Go and have your bath NOW!" Mum may even try to pick him up to carry him to the bathroom. Meanwhile, the cars may have been bumped, or are not yet lined up right. Tommy will be screaming in indignation. He will say, "How dare you drag me away! That is IMPORTANT! I MUST FINISH MY CARS!"
    Or he may just scream in outrage.
    Now think - if you were baking a cake, just in the process of pouring the cake mix into the tins and then putting them in the oven, and husband walked in and said to you, "Outside! NOW! You left the car window open and it's starting to rain! You have to learn responsibility, young lady!" you would be outraged. If he mentioned it politely and said, "I need you to go fix it now, so the car interior won't get wet," you would understand. But you're mid-pour. It is logical to say either of two things -
    1) "Honey, I'm up to my elbows in cake mix. Please will you do it for me this time? I know I should have remembered, but I was expecting to go back out almost straight away, then Brenda called and I just forgot." Or you might say,

    2) "I need to finish pouring this, then I'll be free to do it."

    husband could yell at you some more for refusing to instantly do what he asked. Or he could say, "I'll finish doing this for you, go and fix the car now." Or he could say, "It's not raining much at the moment, it can wait until you're done. But you'll have a clean-up job to do if you take too long."

    Think about this scene and how you would feel, if husband yelled at you while you still had another job to do. Clearly, once the cake is in the oven you have twenty minutes in which to do what husband wants. Or he could work with you in this, or he could at least be polite about it.

    What I think you're dealing with, is someone who sees what he is doing as equally important (if not more so) as the things you want him to do. And while you bang heads together on this, you're not going to make progress. But if you bend a little, take his obsessions into account (as well as his lack of understanding of your status vs his) then he will soon realise you know things, you're there to help him and not order him around, that you're a team together and he needs to work with you to get the best benefit.

    You probably don't think he deserves it (and from a traditional, strict parenting point of view you're right) but you need to treat difficult child with respect, in order to teach him respect. When he yells and screams at you, don't yell back. Walk away. Even if he DOES turn out to have some form of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) he still will be looking for some sort of guidance and approval from you, so if you withdraw it, he will notice and won't like it.

    Generally these kids are not being defiant for the fun of it. In their minds, what you want is simply less important at that moment. So you ask - "When will you be finished this task, so you can do what I asked of you?" If he says, "five minutes," then say to him, "OK, when you've finished there, or in five minutes' time, whichever is sooner, I want you to have your bath." Maybe even write this down on a Post-It note and stick it up where he can see it, so he can't turn round later and insist you never said anything (because these kids are VERY good at pushing your instruction so far to the back, that he could genuinely forget).
    If you asked him to take his bath, and he takes too long, then his punishment will be a cold bath.
    If you asked him to come and eat his dinner and he takes too long, then his punishment is eating a cold dinner, alone.

    Since I started working WITH our boy, we've got on much better, PLUS I get what I want from him, almost all the time (instead of rarely). By giving him wiggle room plus some choice in his own decisions, he is learning self-control as well as natural consequences (which are imposed by the laws of physics and thermodynamics, not by me - it wasn't ME who ran cold water into the bath, it cooled down all by itself).

    For more detail, read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. There is some discussion of this book in the Early Childhood forum as well.

    As for medications - we chose to medicate our kids. It worked for us. A HUGE difference. But it's your choice. Just because it worked for us, doesn't mean you have to do it too. The thing is, with whatever option you choose - if you notice a HUGE improvement, then clearly something is working. But if you don't notice anything much, then clearly it's not worth the trouble.

    Every kid is different. We all manage in our own ways. But sometimes we can see similarities which can tell us, "Something that worked for a similar kid, could be worth trying here."

    All my kids are sociable. difficult child 1 can be a bit shy, but difficult child 3 will start a conversation with a total stranger, telling them intimate details. difficult child 1 would cuddle and cling like a koala (so would easy child 2/difficult child 2) while difficult child 3 loves hugs, as long as HE gets to control how long the hug continues. He makes good eye contact and is open about talking about his autism if it's warranted. He knows that due to his autism he often can misread people's body language, but he also knows it has given him the power to think in amazing ways. He's happy with who he is and what he can do. Sometimes people will disbelieve that difficult child 3 could be autistic, but they didn't know him from before.

    Whatever your son actually has, it won't hurt to meet him where he is and work from there. Good luck with getting answers and some much-needed help.

    Marg
     
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