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sometimes just want to scream
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 606578" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Nancy, I agree that a 28 year old able bodied, educated young man should be living on his own. It's likely an issue now that you all have gotten comfortable with, it doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong, it's not what you want. In the big picture, it's probably not what he wants too, but this is the way it's always been. We get cemented into our family roles because they're comfortable, not necessary because they are healthy. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps the way to go is to tell your son you want to sit down, when things are calm, and have a heart to heart. Not a condemnation or an ultimatum, it sounds as if for a while, he was a much needed part of the family unit............but now things have changed, your girls are stable. He is an adult. It is time for him to launch into his own life now. You need your space. He needs his space, you both need freedom and you both need to be disconnected in a healthy way. If you can afford therapy, perhaps a therapist can walk you guys through a healthy disconnect. </p><p></p><p>It appears you have to give him some boundaries and then some deadlines. Boundaries like: He will be respectful. He will find his own place in 3 months (whatever time frame feels right to you). He will pay you $300 in one month and until he leaves in three. He will begin putting down $100 a week for groceries. He will clean the bathroom, I don't know, just stuff where he begins to gain some responsibility for himself, some empowerment and you get out from under. It's your home so you can make it anyway you like with some understanding that he may need time to adapt to a new situation......you've allowed this to go on, so you are all in this unhealthy situation together, it's an unhealthy family dynamic, it doesn't sound like it's about him, it's about all of you. If you want it to change, you have to take action to change it and then stick to your guns. Otherwise you will be living with all three of your kids until you are old. You have the power to begin to change this today. You deserve to have your own life separate from your children.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 606578, member: 13542"] Nancy, I agree that a 28 year old able bodied, educated young man should be living on his own. It's likely an issue now that you all have gotten comfortable with, it doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong, it's not what you want. In the big picture, it's probably not what he wants too, but this is the way it's always been. We get cemented into our family roles because they're comfortable, not necessary because they are healthy. Perhaps the way to go is to tell your son you want to sit down, when things are calm, and have a heart to heart. Not a condemnation or an ultimatum, it sounds as if for a while, he was a much needed part of the family unit............but now things have changed, your girls are stable. He is an adult. It is time for him to launch into his own life now. You need your space. He needs his space, you both need freedom and you both need to be disconnected in a healthy way. If you can afford therapy, perhaps a therapist can walk you guys through a healthy disconnect. It appears you have to give him some boundaries and then some deadlines. Boundaries like: He will be respectful. He will find his own place in 3 months (whatever time frame feels right to you). He will pay you $300 in one month and until he leaves in three. He will begin putting down $100 a week for groceries. He will clean the bathroom, I don't know, just stuff where he begins to gain some responsibility for himself, some empowerment and you get out from under. It's your home so you can make it anyway you like with some understanding that he may need time to adapt to a new situation......you've allowed this to go on, so you are all in this unhealthy situation together, it's an unhealthy family dynamic, it doesn't sound like it's about him, it's about all of you. If you want it to change, you have to take action to change it and then stick to your guns. Otherwise you will be living with all three of your kids until you are old. You have the power to begin to change this today. You deserve to have your own life separate from your children. [/QUOTE]
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