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Son, 19, arrested 2 nights ago--I'm just learning of pot issues
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<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 441728"><p>I can't emphasize this enough: it is far, far better to let a difficult child suffer even a very stern consequence via the law or judicial system early on, and then gradually get past it (even if it means a criminal record for that offense), than to help him escape it and thus enable him to proceed inevitably into worse offenses and get (again, inevitably) really slammed hard years later via a really bad offense and conviction and punishment such as lengthy incarceration, etc, which can be really ruinous in terms of his prospects for a decent life as an adult. The DUI or pot conviction (or whatever) at 16-19 has a real opportunity to scare him, if not straight, at least very cautious, whereas the drug dealing or armed robbery or violent offense in his early twenties is SO much worse in terms of long-term consequences.</p><p></p><p>My own older son, a very nice kid who's just immature and who has let himself get caught for stupid vehicular offenses like driving on a suspended license, was in a traffic law jam (fairly serious--2nd offense of driving on suspended license) and I absolutely refused to help him pay the fine, pay "responsibility fees" to get his license restored, pay for a lawyer, etc. I know it must've seemed harsh to him, especially as I could clearly afford it and was, in fact, spending money fairly liberally for my own fun stuff at the time, but the upshot is that he toughed it out and is returning to college in the fall after a 2-year layout, chastened and embarrassed and cautious and very regretful due to what happened--and very eager to restore his self-esteem and reputation via doing well in college. I'm not sure things would be looking so positive if I'd just paid his fines/legal expenses and helped him skate out of it. It's hard to turn away from 'em, financially speaking, when they're in a jam like that, but it's what they *need*. Seriously. Otherwise you infantilize them and/or delay their maturation--they need to deal with the situation on their own, or they just won't grow.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 441728"] I can't emphasize this enough: it is far, far better to let a difficult child suffer even a very stern consequence via the law or judicial system early on, and then gradually get past it (even if it means a criminal record for that offense), than to help him escape it and thus enable him to proceed inevitably into worse offenses and get (again, inevitably) really slammed hard years later via a really bad offense and conviction and punishment such as lengthy incarceration, etc, which can be really ruinous in terms of his prospects for a decent life as an adult. The DUI or pot conviction (or whatever) at 16-19 has a real opportunity to scare him, if not straight, at least very cautious, whereas the drug dealing or armed robbery or violent offense in his early twenties is SO much worse in terms of long-term consequences. My own older son, a very nice kid who's just immature and who has let himself get caught for stupid vehicular offenses like driving on a suspended license, was in a traffic law jam (fairly serious--2nd offense of driving on suspended license) and I absolutely refused to help him pay the fine, pay "responsibility fees" to get his license restored, pay for a lawyer, etc. I know it must've seemed harsh to him, especially as I could clearly afford it and was, in fact, spending money fairly liberally for my own fun stuff at the time, but the upshot is that he toughed it out and is returning to college in the fall after a 2-year layout, chastened and embarrassed and cautious and very regretful due to what happened--and very eager to restore his self-esteem and reputation via doing well in college. I'm not sure things would be looking so positive if I'd just paid his fines/legal expenses and helped him skate out of it. It's hard to turn away from 'em, financially speaking, when they're in a jam like that, but it's what they *need*. Seriously. Otherwise you infantilize them and/or delay their maturation--they need to deal with the situation on their own, or they just won't grow. [/QUOTE]
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Son, 19, arrested 2 nights ago--I'm just learning of pot issues
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