Son's girlfriend's friends don't like him

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, May 29, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    difficult child has a girlfriend. She doesn't drink or do drugs or hang out with anyone who does (THATS a lot of pressure off him). She is really involved in her church. But her friends don't like him. Told her he is a jerk.

    I told him to prove them wrong. Be nice to all her friends, because they are important to her.

    He is in such happy spirits. But school, homework, catch-up work...all causing SO many problems here on the home front. Can't even begin to tell.

    Has anyone's difficult child ever been on Paxil? I know it says not for children or adolesence, but so do a lot. The medication seems to target EVERY one of difficult child's issues. He is currently taking Lexapro, but see little improvement.

    He says the adderall helps him (any one with Ritalin in really has a bad affect on difficult child...horrible affect) But although he says Adderall helps, it puts him to sleep. Dr. said it CAN have that affect on some kids. So to me, how can it help when he puts his head down and sleeps??? I wanted him to try vyvanse or some other without Ritalin, but he said no because it is to new of a drug. (he looks everything up and with his anxieties - would be too worried) He doesn't take Adderall when there is not school and hasn't taken it with school this week.

    He has been helping one of the teachers. She caters, and has had him help her cater the Prom, awards banquet, this week another banquet at the local college at 5:45 AM, then she brought him to school. He missed first block but she had him excused. He helps her cook and set up, serve and clean up. Several other events too. They get along fantastic. She is also the Dean at the school. He talks to her and opens up. She is tutoring him after school too. Not for the tutoring part, but she gets him to do his homework. I can't, that is a fight. He doesn't need the academic help, just needs someone to get him to do his work and she seems to be able to do this.

    She told me difficult child does a lot of helping at school. Sometimes he choses to eat lunch with her. She told me that the principal is going to give him a $50 gift certificate for all his help. He will be awarded with this Monday at an awards assembly. He does not know.

    So, all and all - through all the fighting, the kids doing drugs, homework, telling me how he hates this school because it is hard and small. It is a college prep school so it IS harder...he has come a long way. From getting referrals every other day in the fall, to being "student of the month - most improved" in the entire school, to helping at school and now getting an award...AND he WANTS to go there next year too. Still wants to take one class at the local district school, which is OK. So not too much longer of school and my baby will be a sophomore. Hoping he can finish with a B average.

    He still has the feeling he is "outside" his body. Still having frequent anxiety attacks, but he is handling them better. He is worried that feeling won't ever go away. Dr. said derealization / depersonilzation - will go away, but may come and go his entire life. He says he is confused and often doesn't feel he knows what is happening, like a dream. But he is handling it well. You would never know if he didn't tell you.

    Our relationship is awful. Our entire house is awful.
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    So it sounds like some things are better and other things are the same? I am sorry your household is so bad, but glad difficult child is getting better. Hope you are still going to therapy, I know that for me recently that has been a lifesaver. Hugs.
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    The reason Paxil is not approved for children is that it can cause higher incidences of disinhibition and suicidal ideation than other SSRIs. It is also VERY hard to wean from if it doesn't work (terrible SSRI withdrawal syndrome, including chills, headache, dizziness, diarrhea, etc). At age 10, my daughter A had a very strange almost-psychotic reaction to Paxil, which is why I would never want to use it for anyone in my family.

    Seroquel worked for my son's extreme anxiety and depersonalization issues, but he has had manic reactions to 5 SSRI/SSRI antidepressants.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I was on Paxil XR and trying to come off of it sent me to the hospital. I couldn't afford the medication and at the time no generic - I went off cold turkey and it nearly killed me. So be careful.

    Dude was prescribed Paxil and took it for a while and he said that it did help him with his moodiness - but the doctor took him off of it (age 17) and put him on (I think Buspar???) and he said that made him feel odd/weird. So now he's not on anything and seems to be happier than he's been in a while - but that could be becuase he's working too. He seems to be very VERY happy working.

    Just be careful that if you loose your insurance or something like that and he does go on it? That you have a weaning off plan.

    Glad to hear about the little girlfriend too. I think you gave him excellent advice about being nice to her friends. I had a moment of clarity thinking that it's so nice when our kids get to have the normalcies and nice things in life. (Just pray he does not tattoo her name on his arm) oh wait that's US.....ugh.

  5. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    I know you are struggling with his emotional health issues, but I just want to put in my two cents and pat you on the back for the successes he is having in school. It sounds like there is a hardworking, responsible kid in there and some really great adults around his school are picking up on that and nurturing it.

    Sometimes it just feels like we are shoveling mercury with a pitchfork (or trying to nail Jell-o to a wall, the other mental image I like) as we try to figure out how best to help our difficult child's. He's doing well in school and is sociable enough to have a girlfriend, a nice girlfriend. You are doing a great job, mom.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so glad to hear that difficult child is doing so much better at school and the girl he is seeing sounds very nice. I'm sorry things are so hard on the home front, hugs.
  7. ML

    ML Guest

    Glad about the girlfriend and some of difficult children successes. He is soo smart (must take after his mom).

    I continue to pray and send vibes of support for your home situation. Know that you deserve great treatment and accept nothing less. We love you!

  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Kjs, you can use the girlfriend to advantage to motivate him. It gives him hope in a future shared with someone else, and for that to work best he will need a career path and a work ethic. The teacher/tutor/dean sounds wonderful.

    I'm sorry things are difficult for you and your relationship right now - maybe you need to move to a different footing? I find that as the kids moved into teenhood, I have needed to modify my parenting to less "I am the parent" and more "we share this space, we need to work as a team and communicate." Because husband & I own the space and pay the bills, we are still in the position as landlord rather than co-tenant, but otherwise we focus on teamwork. Of course, you and your husband would need to be on the same page with this yourselves, to help set the example. Work on that first, then bring difficult child on board.

    When dealing with husband - focus on practicalities, leave emotion out of it as much as you can. Work togeter to deveop house rules which will apply to all householdmembers equally (that is you and husband as well as difficult child) and then on other rules for difficult child, ones which husband will help enforce. The fewer of these rules the better, but it means there need to be more rules for ALL of you, if you're cutting back on the need to do the "I am the parent, you are the child" routine. Because you can't do that, and not have it work. Better to not try.

    Homework/study issues - time to move to encouragement and praise, move away from nagging. He has to learn to self-motivate. Sometimes if he is gonig to refuse to do the work for an assignment, it is better for HIM to clearly make the decision to not work, and then fail it, than for you to nag, have him not work and then blame you that your nagging put him off.

    If you can do this and keep it up, it rapidly becomes a lot easier to do, than nagging. It also becomes more productive.

    It sounds like this teacher is getting more out of him, output-wise, than you. I'd sit back and enjoy the rest.