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Son's girlfriend's friends don't like him
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 278206" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Kjs, you can use the girlfriend to advantage to motivate him. It gives him hope in a future shared with someone else, and for that to work best he will need a career path and a work ethic. The teacher/tutor/dean sounds wonderful.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry things are difficult for you and your relationship right now - maybe you need to move to a different footing? I find that as the kids moved into teenhood, I have needed to modify my parenting to less "I am the parent" and more "we share this space, we need to work as a team and communicate." Because husband & I own the space and pay the bills, we are still in the position as landlord rather than co-tenant, but otherwise we focus on teamwork. Of course, you and your husband would need to be on the same page with this yourselves, to help set the example. Work on that first, then bring difficult child on board.</p><p></p><p>When dealing with husband - focus on practicalities, leave emotion out of it as much as you can. Work togeter to deveop house rules which will apply to all householdmembers equally (that is you and husband as well as difficult child) and then on other rules for difficult child, ones which husband will help enforce. The fewer of these rules the better, but it means there need to be more rules for ALL of you, if you're cutting back on the need to do the "I am the parent, you are the child" routine. Because you can't do that, and not have it work. Better to not try.</p><p></p><p>Homework/study issues - time to move to encouragement and praise, move away from nagging. He has to learn to self-motivate. Sometimes if he is gonig to refuse to do the work for an assignment, it is better for HIM to clearly make the decision to not work, and then fail it, than for you to nag, have him not work and then blame you that your nagging put him off.</p><p></p><p>If you can do this and keep it up, it rapidly becomes a lot easier to do, than nagging. It also becomes more productive.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like this teacher is getting more out of him, output-wise, than you. I'd sit back and enjoy the rest.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 278206, member: 1991"] Kjs, you can use the girlfriend to advantage to motivate him. It gives him hope in a future shared with someone else, and for that to work best he will need a career path and a work ethic. The teacher/tutor/dean sounds wonderful. I'm sorry things are difficult for you and your relationship right now - maybe you need to move to a different footing? I find that as the kids moved into teenhood, I have needed to modify my parenting to less "I am the parent" and more "we share this space, we need to work as a team and communicate." Because husband & I own the space and pay the bills, we are still in the position as landlord rather than co-tenant, but otherwise we focus on teamwork. Of course, you and your husband would need to be on the same page with this yourselves, to help set the example. Work on that first, then bring difficult child on board. When dealing with husband - focus on practicalities, leave emotion out of it as much as you can. Work togeter to deveop house rules which will apply to all householdmembers equally (that is you and husband as well as difficult child) and then on other rules for difficult child, ones which husband will help enforce. The fewer of these rules the better, but it means there need to be more rules for ALL of you, if you're cutting back on the need to do the "I am the parent, you are the child" routine. Because you can't do that, and not have it work. Better to not try. Homework/study issues - time to move to encouragement and praise, move away from nagging. He has to learn to self-motivate. Sometimes if he is gonig to refuse to do the work for an assignment, it is better for HIM to clearly make the decision to not work, and then fail it, than for you to nag, have him not work and then blame you that your nagging put him off. If you can do this and keep it up, it rapidly becomes a lot easier to do, than nagging. It also becomes more productive. It sounds like this teacher is getting more out of him, output-wise, than you. I'd sit back and enjoy the rest. Marg [/QUOTE]
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