Sooo Much Sadness and Guilt

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

I'm going to write the facts and then my feelings towards them. These days sadness and guilt are just never far away from me.

Got a call from the school on Wednesday to come get Tommy because he was out of control AGAIN. By the time I got there, he was in the principal's office with the principal and vice-principal in a state of absolute defiance/agitation. He had a good morning but when told that he could not go to a certain group which was not on his level he had a total meltdown and grabbed scissors and cut some blinds. This is the second time in a short span of time his class has had to be evacuated into another classroom. He was immediately defiant with me also and continued to just walk around the principals office touching things that he know he shouldn't and responding to nothing any of us were saying. The3 policeman from school came and after a lot of back and forth, he said he would follow Tommy and I home. He came into the house and stayed with me for about two hours until my husband got home because Tommy was so hostile. The whole time Tommy was taunting me and the policeman, seemingly enjoying the whole thing. Watching this, I got such a feeling of dread in my heart about Tommy's future which hasn't left me yet. The policeman wanted me to go get an involuntary order of commitment so that they could transport him to a hospital. I just honestly see no point to the hospital anymore. They play with his medications and send him home. I didn't get it. When my husband came home, Tommy was being so disrespectful to all of us and the policeman seemed to be encou4raging us to discipline our son physically. (I can almost not make it through this post). Instead of running interference between my husband and my son, I left the room. My husband obviously punched Tommy in the arm and he now has bruises. I beg you guys to understand and believe me that this is not a violent man. I actually started thinking: maybe this is what he needs. He needs to know there's a limit to what we'll put up with. Anyway he eventually calmed down. My husband and I both feel sick and hopeless.

Tommy does start partial hospitalization next Tuesday. He will go to that program from 8am-3pm. That, however, is only for two months at most. Now they're talking about putting him in a self-contained classroom but he's very smart and will most likely be put in with kids who are way below him academically and I have no idea if he'll fall behind.

Add to all this the total guilt I feel about being on Prozac all during my pregnancy with him and now that being link3ed to Autism, and then watching 20/20 Fri night and hearing all these kids talk about how bad they felt on medications and the weight they gained, I'm kind of losing it. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my son. I want to run away with him to somewhere no one know3s us and just protect him from the world. Not what I'm going to do, just how I feel. I'm lost today.

 

[AnnieO]

STM - first things first,

OK. Now. Taking prozac while pregnant. So it's been linked to autism... So has a lot of other stuff. And let's be honest, here - being depressed, add in all those pregnancy hormones... Ooh. Not a good combo, there. You did the best you could with what you had to work with. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, sweetie! (Besides, they don't tell you about all the moms who took ADs and it didn't have any effect...)

And all those kids who felt bad on medications? Did no one ever suggest perhaps they were on the wrong medications? And... Did they talk to anyone who medications helped? Cause during some really dark times, Lexapro was a miracle for me. Yes, I'm an adult - but I also saw how much better things were for Onyxx during the short time she was on risperidone... Yes, some kids are overmedicated, but let's face it, not every person reacts the same - Wellbutrin and I are like gunpowder and a spark, but my Mom can take it with no real side effects.

The officer was, at least, trying to help (which is weird, most of the ones I know of think it's a parent problem). And your husband? OK, I am super-pacifist, but there are times... I even slapped Onyxx once. Not my finest hour. The constant stress can really get to you.

Last - you can't protect him forever... And... Who will protect YOU?

We're here for you, sweetie.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

thank you so much. It's just that more and more it's coming down to either take him to the hospital or physically control him and we don't want to do either. We just feel helpless and hopeless to change things. The police officer was nice but did tell me that if he was doing these same actions at 16, he'd be in handcuffs and that the Middle School is already on alert for him coming there next year. After raising two well adjusted children, I'm not sure I'll ever accept that this is happening to one of our children and us...its so crazy.

 

[StressedM0mma]

STM I understand your feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. My difficult child is under control at school but not always at home. Lately I too have wondered about her future. But, some very wonderful understanding people here have explained to me that I need to stay in the moment, and not worry about what the future will be. And they are right. I am very sorry you are having a difficult time with your son. But, You did nothing wrong by taking medications while you were pregnant. You did what was best. Don't beat yourself up over that. It is hard, but remember your son's illness is not your fault. I hope you can feel some peace.

 

[AnnieO]

Sweetie - enough hospital trips, and something will change somewhere.

Unfortunately, restraining him can turn into a whole new ball of wax...

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

Also, the policeman mentioned to Tommy that if we take him to the hospital/have police involvement too many times, the decision to place him somewhere may be taken out of her hands eventually.THAT scares me to death.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

Thank you, SM...it's really weird, our troubles used to be mainly at home, rarely at school. Now, the total opposite seems to be happening. ST2...I know...this physical stuff is not good at all. He's a big boy now (5 1 , 135lbs). Someone will get hurt. I especially worry about my husband having a heart attack over all of this.

 

[EmJay]

I want to run away with him to somewhere no one know3s us and just protect him from the world.

I feel like this on a regular basis!
Hugs to you Momma!

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

Thanks, EmJay...to you too....

 

[DDD]

Sending caring thoughts and hugs your way. Wish I had "the" answer. DDD

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

thanks...me too...

 

[buddy]

STM I am having an I can relate day. Thank heaven the right person was with Q when I got called to school. We switched to short acting ritalin from Concerta to see if it would make a difference, I will post the story, but bottom line, he refused first school dose (routine change) and So by the time I got there first morn dose had worn off, he grabbed my scarf which I had around my neck twice, he pulled so hard I could feel it tightening... he wanted the scarf, he likes the feel, but hten got mad and started hitting and kicking... His DAPE teacher was tehre and they got him away, I got him to take the medications, but 20 minutes later he happened to see me in teh office iwth my phone and ran in and started going APE, no admin around, thank God. teacher got him out...he thought I was going to call the police, but I had said we need mr P whose name sounds like police unfortunately. fight or flight, i thought they WOULD call the police, but we got him calmed....sure enough 1/2 hour after medications he was good and I hear he has been ok since...but that rebound time when the first dose was off and new one not in... he was saying he was gonna kill everyone, and he was so upset. HE has done nothing at school, is "playing possum" and really doing nothing. I think it is not worth his going. I dont know what to do...

I am scared too, what if police do get involved with these kids who are developmentally too young and have autism??? they would not survive well in a traditional behavior setting, it is really awful. I am sorry... really sorry for him and for you. I sure hope the partial program can help find some answers. Dont assume the kids would be lower academically if he is in a smaller class.... my students in those kinds of classes are often of the charts smart. We even pull in gifted program teachers for them. But if he has AS then you may not want an Emotional/behavioral setting... try for an autism program. Our area has two charter schools for AS. does yours have anything like that?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Buddy -
Short-acting Ritalin, and long-acting Concerta, is not an either-or situation.
Have you considered a lower dose of Concerta? like 36 or 54? or even 18? This would provide a base-line in his system - the "effective" dose being the short-acting...

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

Buddy...I need to get on the school related board because I don't know a lot about what his options are. I feel the same way about school. It's weird...two years ago I dreaded weekends and school holidays. Now I look forward to them. He is not learning a lot as far as I'm concerned. How could he be? He's rarely in the classroom. I am so confused about what these kids can control, can't control...what should have consequences, what shouldn't....yada yada yada.

 

[buddy]

Ic that is exactly the plan, if this doesn't work, would be nice if it would because no concerta in him, whatever it is about it that makes him more agitated??? It would be nice not to have it. But if not then at least we can reduce it and he can be a little more cooperative, and we can avoid the full rebound off the short acting stuff etc. But we did short acting for years and it was fine so I pray he will get into it. I didn't think of it till later, but he probably does not have it on his schedule at school right. We have to make sure everything is there, he does his check in and sees the schedule etc.

Yeah, I know, what they can control, huge???? But the thing is if the school is doing NOTHING to investigate or address things... well then there is a huge problem and they have no business just going for punishment. Here is what my behavior specialist says (autism/brain injury expert)... It does't matter what they can control. In strict behavioral terms, they need to look at the problem behaviors, figure out the theoretical triggers, causes, deficits, etc... and then they need to address those by teaching skills and reinforcing the use of apppropriate behaviors. So, doesn't matter really. He always says just let that go. Let all judgements go too. We just need to do our jobs and help this kid.

I try hard to remember that.

 

[buddy]

Buddy...I need to get on the school related board because I don't know a lot about what his options are. .

I usually click on "new posts" so dont really notice if I am reading a post from sp ed, parent E or gen parenting or whatever.... I read any new post and if I can relate, I offer what I can, If not an area I am familiar with, I can just offer a supportive eye/shoulder--I amalways willing to do that..... I didn't think of it till now, so I will pay more attention to this board that way. my point, if you post in general, I think??? most will still see it...I have seen people post in the area of the topic then post in another area... please give advice or see my post in sp ed...etc. I did that once or twice too and also cross posted once. I think you will be fine no matter where you put it but a good idea to try there for sure in case people, like the wise moderators, only check there. Many of us will still see it by clicking on "new posts" If a moderator or someone who just hangs out there reads only that general topic area it will be especially hepful for you to do that.... Those moderator and hall of famers, etc.... usually have tons of resource advice.

 

[Weary for Hope]

Dear STM,

I am so sorry for all the pain & stress & fear you are going through! All I can say is that I can relate to many of your feelings and I am praying for your son - his healing and for you as well. I hope that you can feel some fresh hope soon.