sorry.....

[Jena]

hi

I felt the need to write a post saying that I am sorry. I was told by a few of our members today that as of late my posts are hard to read, that I am alll over the board, no pun intended. That i'm reactive to no end, etc.

clearly it's been a challenging year, yes we all have them. Yes, we all react differently to that. Its' been one mini crisis after another here, as I've been handling one after another after another.....

Anyway one person even wrote she couldn't respond to my posts anymore because it was too chaotic or i forget her exact words.

I, years ago went through a similar huge upheavel, had just moved in with husband at the time. Transitioning from single life to life with five children and some personal stuff was going on. I was ranting, raving, posting away, typing fast. You name it lol. Luckily Loth reigned me in very sweetly and kindly telling me basically breath, it's all going to be ok.

So, I find myself there again. I had to say though, alot of times when i do post I am rushed for time. it's normally inbetween a tutor, difficult child needing something an outting, etc. her being here is quite different than her being in school. So i will make a point of taking my time when I'm writing. i try to use paragraphs I used to NOT! that was bad........ can you imagine all my ranting with no paragraphs and line after line??

anyway thanks to those of you who kindly tried to help in some way. Sorry to those of you who felt oh sheesh here she goes again i just cant' bare to read it. yet that is everyones' choice to answer what we can, give support when we can, or simply just sit and read the posts.

Timing was a bit off though, i was just processing doctor appointment. today than saw my "people" saying oh sweetie your kinda loosing it. Not offended to those who said it, i appreciate the sentiment.

I'm breathing by the way and yes to confirm i am borderline add!!! I had once said i'm a difficult child...... clearly you guys weren't listening. Afterall does the apple ever truly fall far??

thanks to all of you also, the support, reading my chaos, helping with the easy child issue was HUGE, those of you who helped tremendously through difficult child's two hospitalizations this year you know who you are!

So, i'll still be posting away. Unless my therapist gives me daily sessions I doubt lol i'll be here!

 

[TeDo]

No problem, hon. Can relate to the chaos. Those are the days I'm not on here much. Glad there are people here who can be gently honest with us when they need to be and respected enough to be heard without hurt.

 

[AnnieO]

Yup...

I've had a couple of gentle reminders, too. So I feel ya - I know where you're coming from.

 

[BusynMember]

Chaos? WHAT chaos? Hehe. I'm so chaotic myself that I truly didn't notice.

Please...keep posting and don't worry

 

[HaoZi]

Yes, you often sound like you're trying to solve everything at home and abroad at the same time, lol. Can tell when you're calmer by your posts and when you're feeling frantic. Do what you gotta do to vent, right?

 

[InsaneCdn]

A few years back, the kids came home from school with a little song they were taught... to use when someone was bugging them... they were just supposed to sing it inside their heads. I can't give you the music, but it went like this...

Ignore. Ignore. ignore ignore ignore...

That would be my response to whoever is getting on your case.

Obviously, the ones responding that way have never been over the edge themselves. The rest of us... unfortunately... understand. One of these days, it may be my post that goes that way...

So, keep posting!

 

[Jena]

oh no they were right lol.

husband and I spoke about it last night...... I said honey my people are mad at me!! LOL I didn't talk about the ms diagnosis initially i talked about here ......... funny.

I told him what happened, he was like babe i love you yet people wouldn't believe the amt of trauma we have had here in the past year since married. it's almost like we are cursed or something lol.

he said i get sick of hearing it, living it and i'm your husband...... LOL. he said i know you, you get on type fast ramble relentlessly and than log off. he said your texts are the same way when your under pressure or have limited time.

he did say though years and years of such great support there a few bad days and people who care to take the time to reign you in and check you is a good thing. i said yup it is.

He said no really though I tell people about everything that's happened in the past 11 mos and they just say what? yea ok there's no way. I'm like no really this is our life, one thing after another.

nowhere but up from here is our motto! he said it cant' get much worse. I said oh yes it can always get worse. be grateful for today. we're all feeling such a difference though with easy child gone. we miss her, yet our home's so much different. the vibe is different if that makes sense. it is quiet besides dogs, no action, apprehension of what will happen. it's odd.

 

[DDD]

Don't be silly, Jena. Nobody was looking for an apology. The thread was intended to point out that you are working really hard to get through a bunch of major problems but in seeking a solution to one, then another, then a different solution to one...you're exhausted and anxious and kinda "spinning your wheels".

My eldest sister was sharp as a tack, very kindly motivated and loved her children. Her husband unexpectedly died and she truly never settled down. She would start a load of clothes, then decide to fix a pot roast, then clean up the flower bed, do a quick vaccuum in the living room. At the end of the day she would have clothes in the washer, a pot roast that didn't get in the oven on time and would have to be served another day, gardening shoes next to the vacuum cleaner in the living room.

ADD and ADHD can result in family side effects that are not intentioned. My sister didn't "believe" in medications. She did not see the counter productive results of just winging it. If by using an appointment book and limiting her actions to a few specific areas each day she had felt more at peace that would have been great. Personally I have always felt that if she had at least tried a small dose of Ritalin (or some stimulant) her focus may have improved.

Anyway, my friend, just want to make sure that you understand there was no evil intent in the thread. Some of us express ourselves in different ways but the family is just that...a group of caring people who don't always think everyone is perfect every day. I see it as a loving sign that people care enough about you to point out that there is a hyperkinetic pattern to your posts that may indicate some redirection would be helpful for you and your family. Hugs. DDD

 

[Jena]

i know that's why i said sorry........ nothing worse than reading a post that doesnt' make sense. husband and i as i said laughed about it last night. whenever something occurs he'll say what do your people say?? LOL

thing is i do accomplish it all, the loads of laundry, the outtings for difficult child, my time. it's alot especially when you don't feel well as i'm sure you know.........

my add kicks up bad when i'm stressed as with anyother difficult child lol. i told you drive thru's area struggle seriously they are. i'm really good at using my meditation, yoga, etc to keep myself centered. yet lately i haven't made the time and boy does it show. yoga is like magic for me. it sounds silly yet when i do it daily i ache a bit yet i feel so much better most of the time.

like i said we have nowhere to go but up from here. i joked last night and told husband honey we are soo in position for extreme home makeover! i have ms now, you limp, difficult child has bipolar, oldest ran away i guess we could say, other 2 have strong diagnosis's, lol.

he said yea but the whole we rent the house maybe a problem...... i said well the owner did say treat it as our own?

 

[Star*]

You do not strike me as someone who has ADD or Borderline symptoms, nor do you strike me as someone who has borderline ADD. Wait what was the question? Dratted ADD brain. FOCUS......Focus. So is that stress? Or is that ADD,because you know it's WAY easier nowadays to say "OH I have ADD." than it is to admit "I am so stressed out I'm scatterbrained." People seem to be more empathetic to the words "ADD" than they are "Scatterbrained". ADD equates to "She has a real problem" while "Scatterbrained and Stress" equates to NOT ABLE TO HANDLE LIFE and you I think are trying to comparatively rate yourself for whatever reason to other people you know and try to figure out why you can't keep up like some kind of mental score card. I don't even mean the women here. I mean the women in your life. Ones that you know personally.

Actually I can see you in your mind going "I'm JUST", or "I ONLY" and listing the rest of what you do in your day from there as compared to someone else who you feel has more things on their plate than you. No, I haven't ever seen you post it here, I've never gotten that from your writing per se - but it eeks through a little now and then between the lines of your very guarded writing about yourself. You're very willing to talk about your kids, your marriage, your activities - but when it comes to your accomplishments, your day, yourself? Pretty much all I know are generalities. Even what you feel are specifics aren't specifics and that's okay too. Trust is a huge issue with you - I think you want friends, good friends - but my thoughts again are either you get close and get burnt, you sabotage for whatever reason and end up kinda alone. Goes back to the intamacy/trust thing. Don't think it has a thing to do with ADD. I think it's just plain lonely, bored.......wishing for more but have NO idea what....and there are SO many things out there in the world, but right now you don't feel good.

So I guess then since I feel you are really a bright girl and I know you can do many things! I would say WHAT are things you like to do? I know the horses. That's your YOU thing. But you have kids - HOW many? And you need support but you're there at the house alone how many hours by yourself with just them to figure out how to get entertained 10-12 hours a day? Plus house work, laundry, meals, shopping? I think that bit of unorganised in you that you feel is just being overwhelmed, not ADD. Again - keep in mind - you have no help, you have a lot of stressors within each child going on, you have a stressful marriage you are working on, you have health issues, you have money issues like everyone else, and like I said before -I think you are thinking "Well I don't have a J.O.B. and as a stay at home Mom I should be running circles around this and I feel I'm failing miserably." Not true - No one walks in your moccasiains.

Could someone come into your house, and get it organized, and take charge like 1.2.3? Sure. Now could they do it with your background, your health, married to your husband with your history???? Nope, I doubt they would do any better than you would, and THAT is the part of this that you have to realize - I AM doing the best I can - I AM going to therapy, I AM trying to work on my marriage, I AM trying to detach from a very dysfunctional and controlling teen daughter, I AM dealing with a child that has an eating disorder and is a genetic mess, I AM working on my health recently diagnosis as Multiple Sclerosis, I AM trying to work through pain and get housework done, I AM trying to deal with junk in my mental trunk, I AM doing the best I can and I AM figuring life out and seeking support of my friends. Then you make that list that says I will STOP mentally comparing myself to other women that I think are PHENOMINAL and realize I AM phenominal.....just becaues she blah blah blah doesn't make her WONDER WOMAN.....I WILL FIND AT LEAST THREE positive things to write on a sticky note about everyone in my family and leave on their door or bathroom mirror every day - self included, I WILL take a class on (soemthing I want to do - language, art, ) I will find hobbies for my kids -

I mean you are very resourcefull - clever - and the time that you spend asking about what can I do???? I think (in my humble opinion) You can spend DOING something POSITIVE - and then see how much better accomplished you feel. I get the feeling that you need activities - lots and lots. I feel once you get moving in that direction and have what I think is a soccer mom life? You will probably feel much better, more in control and on top of your world. I think the sitting around the house is driving you buggy - and as far as money - Honey - there are TONS of things you can invent - and go do for free - you don't have to get the kids involved in soccer to be that soccer mom type - YOU just need to be the commander of your troops. More time in the field less time in the office.

I see no evil either when friends come out and tell you -their heart. If you are scattered? You're scattered. What better way to get yourself together than to have a bunch of your friends push your **** in a pile and say "THERE! Now you're all in one place. Much easier to see all in one place. Almost like 3D without the glasses. No not that 3d - real 3d - not that DDD isn't a read 3D she's real alright - I'm talking 3d like the theater. Got it? Get it? Good"
Okay well my chat here is done.

Off to go play with THOR ------Yowza.....God of Thunder.....can rumble me anytime. Wooooooooooo.

 

[Star*]

YOU HAVE PEOPLE? OMG ............now I'm jealous. (grumbles off ) wait! I HAVE THOR~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD OF THUNDER........(no I really do - DF is Swedish/Norse descent and has an image of Thor likened to himself tattoed on his arm.......YOWZA) ......Wonder if you bite Thor if you spit lightning. .....And you have people! huh! I spit lighting!!!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

I was okay reading the notes until I got to Star's, and then my eyes glazed over (lol!).

I've only read 1/8 of the notes on any given board at any given time so I missed out on all the chaos, but I got a good taste of it.

What stands out is that you had an MS diagnosis, and you're on speaking terms with-your husband again. Mixed blessings, indeed.

{{hugs}}

 

[Jena]

lol speaking terms and mx diagnosis is a good thing!! I said oh no what if i wind up in a wheelchair what oh what will he do?? if ya know what i mean ok that was funnier in my mind!!!

we've been on speaking terms...... its' just we laugh at the endless chaos. he said what else could possibly happen?? i said do not i repeat do not tempt the gods and powers that be crazy man!!!

Star yes i do......... i'll have my people call your people........

he even says difficult child at times now...... just wait he might start posting lol than you'll all really be crying for help!!!

 

[rlsnights]

It's hard to write coherently when you are really anxious and feel overwhelmed. When I'm feeling that way it's like I'm in a tunnel with a train coming at me. I can see the train's light and I KNOW I'm about to get run over. Again. And there's no escape. Horrible feeling.

I'm glad you have a therapist. Maybe a consult with a psychiatrist is in order? Some medication support might be appropriate. Just a thought.

As for posts - they don't bother me but they are pretty jumbled and defensive a lot. I don't think anyone means for you to feel criticized exactly. Just wanting something more than a free form stream of consciousness kind of posting.

If you want to structure your posts more thoughtfully, maybe you should write them up as word docs and save them before posting. Then give it a few hours, go back and read what you wrote and see if you still want to post it that way or if you want to make some changes.

I think you are so in the moment that it's very hard to get perspective enough to write and post "real time" in a coherent way. I completely understand this. been there done that. Waiting to post something I wrote has worked for me so that's why I suggested it. Often just getting things out onto a page is what I needed and I don't post or post most of what I wrote.

I'm sorry your life has been so hard this past year. Breathe is good advice. Exercise like taking a walk also helps me a lot. I focus on what's around me - flowers, trees, birdsong, the wind - I focus on grounding myself in the reality outside my head. And it really does help me.

Hugs,

Patricia

 

[hearts and roses]

Jena, I know you may not mean it, but besides all the obvious chaos, I find many of your posts entertaining. Your manner of "speaking", or, er, writing, sounds very similar to the way my difficult child tells stories! I have too much empathy, that's what I've been told by H. I have an ability to feel what others are feeling, to read between the lines, decipher what is really being said, read body language and facial expressions-too well. It becomes exhausting at times and there have been times when I can't read another post by a particular post-er, because it affects me too greatly. But time passes and I'm back to reading them all again. There was one of our dear friends here who was mass posting a long while ago, several a day, all over the place and after a while I just couldn't keep up so I had to force myself not to read their posts-sounds mean, I know, but it was what it was at that time.

Anyway, for many of us, this is our only outlet and if there are people who are able to keep up with you and you're able take something away from their responses, then I say posting is worth it. The worst is when you're dying inside and post without the ability to articulate your emotions and NO ONE responds. That's a real heartbreaker. Keep posting if it helps you. <3

 

[Hound dog]

First of all???

Stop asking yourself "what else could possibly happen?" because the Powers that Be seem to think it quite amusing to show you EXACTLY what else CAN happen when you do that. I stopped cold. I just take crisis in stride these days, part of life sort of thing. You know that careful what you ask for sort of deal. lol

You were getting a tad crazed.........but stress can do that to a person. It's done it to me plenty until I learned to let most of it roll off my back. If I can do nothing to change it......I refuse to worry about it.

Not a huge deal.

((hugs))

 

[Jena]

Jo that's why your going into the field you are going into....... difficult child mind reader!! LOL. thats a good shingle no? i'm very animated in person, outgoing yet not annoying (or at least i dont' think so), and i don't talk as fast as I write and mumble in here. thank goodness.

Lisa yes we all do at times, i'm already over it. yet it's nice reading the responses..... i just felt bad when someone wrote i just couldn't respond anymore lol oh sheesh. in life there are takers and givers. people that suck your energy and people that give you energy i say. I think i've been on the sucking end of the spectrum lately, when usually i am the other. correction made i think possibly....... ah who knows.

as far as the bad junk that "could" happen...... things here have been so calm, i gardened all day, difficult child had a playdate believe it or not. im gearing up for tmrw. thank goodness i do have a good sense of humor or else i don't think husband and i would of made it thru this year.

i told him we hit mexico, in july it turns around. that's it. we return difficult child in school, me on medications. life is normal. whatever that means... i had an old boss years ago she was amazing and she once said to me you are one of the best people i know, and one of the most cursed people i know. she said there is like a black cloud that looms over you.

 

[tiredmommy]

Jena- the only thing I would ask, from a moderator standpoint, is that you try to post to a thread you've already started rather than start a new thread when possible. When a member starts 2, 3, 4 or more threads a day, she is in effect pushing down other member's threads. This can lead to other members not getting the support they need.... and I know you don't want that.

 

[busywend]

Jena, I am so glad you did not take my words as mean or with bad intentions.

I think the real point that I never made, was that you have to take care of you first. If you are not at your best you can not help anyone else in your family. It was something that took me a long time to learn, but I learned it here. It is crucial to take care of us first. I always thought I was here for others and I came last. But, I was totally wrong and backwards. You really can not be there for others if you have not taken care of yourself first.

What your "easy child" is doing is heartbreaking and certainly any one of us would be struggling immensely with that situation. You certainly are under a ton of stress. You have to find ways to lessen it. I do not know how, but it is important.

 

[Jena]

TM ofcourse not and never my intention.......

Busy i didn't take offense at all, I really did not. I appreciate your caring thoughts. Yes I'm trying yet I will not lie i'm hurting today and sucking it up as best I can. It's easier said than done to say don't be hurt today on her birthday etc. that i havent' heard from her etc. yet truth is she isnt' an adult person, she's a messed up 18 year old, and 18 years ago i gave birth to that perfect baby..... what's happened along the way who knows.

difficult child is hurting today too i can see it. she's trying to cover it up like i am. She made breakfast with husband, they dont' get along that well so it was soo quiet in the kitchen. Def. not what it used to be with both kids in the kitchen with husband arguing who will make what lol. im not even upset about the whole mother's day thing. It's just all of it, her birthday today, choices she's making. You know how it goes. I went in the bathroom after breakfast shed a few tears and now ill suck it up and begin my day.

thanks for caring. have a good mother's day yourself. ((hugs))