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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 481060" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>klmno, </p><p></p><p>You and my nephew are welcome. Never gave it a thought to talk to him - be it here - or in real life. The two for me? Not much different. I talk to people here same as I would if you were sitting in front of me. You know over the years I've thought about him a lot - and I mean A LOT. Mostly I see so MUCH remorse in your choices (as in my nemesis -the word SHOULD) as in should have - I should have done this - I should have done that. It nearly killed me, and after a lot (and I mean LOT) of therapy I was able to remove the word SHOULD from my parental regret vocabulary. I realize a lot of things could have been different had I made different choices at the time - but I made the choices I did based on what I felt was the ABSOLUTE best decision, for the knowledge I had at.that.very.moment - and had I KNOWN better at.that.very.moment? I 'may' have done things differently. We do NOT set out each day whether it's now or then - as parents, co-workers, daughters, friends, neighbors (most of us anyway) to make the ABSOLUTE worst decisions we can for the people we love and care about. We make the decisions that we do at.the.time.we.make them.....with our BEST intentions. Some situations? We aren't given time to think and they could be potentially life threatening - so we're called upon to act IMMEDIATELY....no time to think - react - best judgement call - not what we should or should not do - just make a choice NOW.....and we base that choice on past experiences in our lives, potential outcomes, Mom sense, gut feelings - and sometimes it's right, sometimes it's not right - and we have to be okay with our mistakes. If we were perfect we'd walk on water and be named Jesus. I don't know about you but MY paycheck comes with a different name, and I'm not bearing the weight and sins of the world - just my own. (thank God - not that ME) Know what I mean?? </p><p></p><p>So the next time that you're sitting there - DOUBTING whether you made the right choice for your son, and regretting what YOU did? ASK YOURSELF - WOULD I HAVE THIS REGRET.....this particular regret if HE hadn't done what he did? If you answer no - then to me? There's your answer. The choice was his, he made his move - you reacted the best way you knew how for the moment at.that.time without having time and age, and a jury of your peers to sit and discuss it, thirty minutes or so to tic-tock, tic-tock OH what SHOULD I do? You did the right thing, He made a poor choice and now there are consequences he's living out and hopefully benefiting from the experience. </p><p></p><p>On a much LARGER scale - Perhaps your thinking isn't as BIG as it should be - and as a sister - lemme throw THIS at you. Let's say that night - you had gone outside and we had talked to him INSIDE....okay and you calmed down, came in, and ALL was just wiped clean and he promised never to do it again - the knife, the cigarettes - the whole ball of wax......Fini! Then he didn't go to Department of Juvenile Justice and he didn't get any instruction, or counseling for his anger problems or anything like that - like he is. So time goes on - and you're still in your job, and he's at home, gets bored and decides to do something WAY worse. Considered THAT option? I mean I did with my son. When we turned him in for burglary? It left a hole in me - and if I had it to do over again? I don't know if I'd do it again. MOst of me says NO, but the part of me that saw him grow up - TRYING to get his mess together and avoid stealing again? Yeah - that part looming over his head - did help. The part that they wanted to throw him in prison for 30 years? No - that much didn't fit. STill doesn't. But point is - the situation - kept him from going farther with whatever. Just like your son - where he's at now? Yes it's not ideal, yes - it's his childhood - but ask yourself - what kind of childhood would he be having if he weren't here to enjoy it at all? Sometimes when we feel that kind of guilt? It's not so easy to see the other side of the coin......that we really DID do something right possibly for the wrong reason. </p><p></p><p>----You're a good Mom......a little stressed like the rest of us with regrets....who isn't - but give yourself some credit for doing a dang good job and allow yourself the privlege of peace in knowing you did what you did at the time you did it because it was the best thing you knew to do - and had you KNOWN better? You would have DONE better. </p><p></p><p>Hugs - </p><p>and Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 481060, member: 4964"] klmno, You and my nephew are welcome. Never gave it a thought to talk to him - be it here - or in real life. The two for me? Not much different. I talk to people here same as I would if you were sitting in front of me. You know over the years I've thought about him a lot - and I mean A LOT. Mostly I see so MUCH remorse in your choices (as in my nemesis -the word SHOULD) as in should have - I should have done this - I should have done that. It nearly killed me, and after a lot (and I mean LOT) of therapy I was able to remove the word SHOULD from my parental regret vocabulary. I realize a lot of things could have been different had I made different choices at the time - but I made the choices I did based on what I felt was the ABSOLUTE best decision, for the knowledge I had at.that.very.moment - and had I KNOWN better at.that.very.moment? I 'may' have done things differently. We do NOT set out each day whether it's now or then - as parents, co-workers, daughters, friends, neighbors (most of us anyway) to make the ABSOLUTE worst decisions we can for the people we love and care about. We make the decisions that we do at.the.time.we.make them.....with our BEST intentions. Some situations? We aren't given time to think and they could be potentially life threatening - so we're called upon to act IMMEDIATELY....no time to think - react - best judgement call - not what we should or should not do - just make a choice NOW.....and we base that choice on past experiences in our lives, potential outcomes, Mom sense, gut feelings - and sometimes it's right, sometimes it's not right - and we have to be okay with our mistakes. If we were perfect we'd walk on water and be named Jesus. I don't know about you but MY paycheck comes with a different name, and I'm not bearing the weight and sins of the world - just my own. (thank God - not that ME) Know what I mean?? So the next time that you're sitting there - DOUBTING whether you made the right choice for your son, and regretting what YOU did? ASK YOURSELF - WOULD I HAVE THIS REGRET.....this particular regret if HE hadn't done what he did? If you answer no - then to me? There's your answer. The choice was his, he made his move - you reacted the best way you knew how for the moment at.that.time without having time and age, and a jury of your peers to sit and discuss it, thirty minutes or so to tic-tock, tic-tock OH what SHOULD I do? You did the right thing, He made a poor choice and now there are consequences he's living out and hopefully benefiting from the experience. On a much LARGER scale - Perhaps your thinking isn't as BIG as it should be - and as a sister - lemme throw THIS at you. Let's say that night - you had gone outside and we had talked to him INSIDE....okay and you calmed down, came in, and ALL was just wiped clean and he promised never to do it again - the knife, the cigarettes - the whole ball of wax......Fini! Then he didn't go to Department of Juvenile Justice and he didn't get any instruction, or counseling for his anger problems or anything like that - like he is. So time goes on - and you're still in your job, and he's at home, gets bored and decides to do something WAY worse. Considered THAT option? I mean I did with my son. When we turned him in for burglary? It left a hole in me - and if I had it to do over again? I don't know if I'd do it again. MOst of me says NO, but the part of me that saw him grow up - TRYING to get his mess together and avoid stealing again? Yeah - that part looming over his head - did help. The part that they wanted to throw him in prison for 30 years? No - that much didn't fit. STill doesn't. But point is - the situation - kept him from going farther with whatever. Just like your son - where he's at now? Yes it's not ideal, yes - it's his childhood - but ask yourself - what kind of childhood would he be having if he weren't here to enjoy it at all? Sometimes when we feel that kind of guilt? It's not so easy to see the other side of the coin......that we really DID do something right possibly for the wrong reason. ----You're a good Mom......a little stressed like the rest of us with regrets....who isn't - but give yourself some credit for doing a dang good job and allow yourself the privlege of peace in knowing you did what you did at the time you did it because it was the best thing you knew to do - and had you KNOWN better? You would have DONE better. Hugs - and Love Star [/QUOTE]
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