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Starting to really dislike my son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620838" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Since he was adopted at an older age, he probably has some degree of attachment problems. That could be part of the problem. Read this and see if it fits. It is not an excuse (nor would it be HIS fault he turned out this way), however it is an explanation. Although your child was not in an orphanage, being separated from any birthparent and mistreated at a young age (1-3) can cause reactive attachment disorder. It is far from just orphanage children.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=513" target="_blank">http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=513</a></p><p></p><p>Is there drug use involved? The law? Disrespect? Violence? Did his birthmother, whoever she was, use drugs or drink when she was pregnant, which could possibly cause organic brain damage of varying degrees? I speak as the mom of a child adopted at two from a drug addicted birthmother...and although he is pretty well behaved, his autistic spectrum disorder was probably caused by the drugs his birthmother used while pregnant. He was lucky it wasn't worse, but it IS worse for some kids.</p><p></p><p>Ok. Now we don't know much yet. Your son is now an adult, I assume. If so, no matter WHY he is dangerous to you, if indeed he is, he should not be living at home. If he isn't...we need more information. He won't work or he CAN'T work? If he can't, he needs to get on disability and have adult supports. Either way, none of us were put on earth to take care of difficult grown children for our entire lives. At some point, if they are able bodied and able minded, we have to make them leave the nest, even if it's hard to do, or they will never grow up. If they are disabled, there are adult supports that can help them and they can still leave the home.</p><p></p><p>Has your son had any diagnoses, like a mood disorder, or attachment disorder (it is hard for professionals to catch it and few look for it), conduct disorder, anything? If you knew his birthparent's history, you know he can inherit from them too. You did not mention drugs. Does he use drugs? Drink too much?</p><p></p><p>Although we are a great pair of strong shoulders to help you with, we need to know more about HOW to help you. One size does not necessarily fit all and you haven't told us much about your son. I adopted four kids. One was six when we adopted him. He is doing GREAT financially and with his married-into-it family (I think), but he walked out of our lives completely and I havden't seen him for five years. It about killed me. A psychologist I saw who only does work with adoptive families is positive our son had some form of attachment disorder...and I think so too now that I understand it and look back at how he alwaysj pushed away my mothering, wanted to do it himself, and never wanted to be at home. He spent his formative first three years somewhere else...makes sense that he didn't bond with our family like a child who came as an infant would have. But the hard part was how I loved him as if I'd given birth to him and it didn't matter to him. He still coldly walked away.</p><p></p><p>I do not know if your son struggles with this, but if his foster home did not meet his needs, it would make sense that he has some of the same issues. Behavior problems, sometimes severe, are almost always the rule with children who are adopted at an older age. Our family is just darn lucky that our boy that we adopted at age two was not already attachment damaged, however he was in a marvelous, loving foster home and that made all the difference. Our son we adopted at six lived in an orphanage, which is akin to a neglectful foster home. He got the physical care, but he didn't get the love...</p><p></p><p>I hope you feel free to share, but if you don't feel safe yet, then read some other moms and our advice. In the end, it comes down to...we deserve to have good lives even if our children choose not to. And sometimes we just plain need space to detach. Yes, even from our own children, if they make us mentally or physically ill or are too difficult to live with.</p><p></p><p>If it makes you feel better, the little you wrote makes him sound better than many older adoptees. Did he ever pee or poop in inappropriate places or smear his feces? Did he have a fascination with fire or start fires? Any time you caught him being cruel to animals of any kind? Ever try to seriously hurt another child, like do a choke on them?</p><p></p><p>Basically, the honest truth is, you can not adopt an older child and expect him to be the same as a child who you've had since infancy. I've been in an active adoptive parent group for over twenty years and it just very seldom happens that they do as well as their peers, especially if they were drug exposed in utero or in a horrible situation early in life. The mind may forget, but it's all there in their subconscious and it affects their ability to live a normal life. His foster family may even sexually abused him. One social worker told me over 90% of the kids in foster care were sexually abused, although some block it out. This was her talking, not me, so I don't know if she is exaggerating or not, but so many older adopted kids sexually act out on other kids that I really don't doubt her, although there is no proof she is right.</p><p></p><p>Kids adopted in infancy do better, although they also do better if they weren't drug exposed in utero. My non-drug exposed adopted children are doing great, although one had a rough time as a teen...she was able to triumph over it. I tell everyone who asks that if they want to adopt, adopt a child as close to birth as you can.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and wishing you a peaceful, serene night.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620838, member: 1550"] Since he was adopted at an older age, he probably has some degree of attachment problems. That could be part of the problem. Read this and see if it fits. It is not an excuse (nor would it be HIS fault he turned out this way), however it is an explanation. Although your child was not in an orphanage, being separated from any birthparent and mistreated at a young age (1-3) can cause reactive attachment disorder. It is far from just orphanage children. [url]http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=513[/url] Is there drug use involved? The law? Disrespect? Violence? Did his birthmother, whoever she was, use drugs or drink when she was pregnant, which could possibly cause organic brain damage of varying degrees? I speak as the mom of a child adopted at two from a drug addicted birthmother...and although he is pretty well behaved, his autistic spectrum disorder was probably caused by the drugs his birthmother used while pregnant. He was lucky it wasn't worse, but it IS worse for some kids. Ok. Now we don't know much yet. Your son is now an adult, I assume. If so, no matter WHY he is dangerous to you, if indeed he is, he should not be living at home. If he isn't...we need more information. He won't work or he CAN'T work? If he can't, he needs to get on disability and have adult supports. Either way, none of us were put on earth to take care of difficult grown children for our entire lives. At some point, if they are able bodied and able minded, we have to make them leave the nest, even if it's hard to do, or they will never grow up. If they are disabled, there are adult supports that can help them and they can still leave the home. Has your son had any diagnoses, like a mood disorder, or attachment disorder (it is hard for professionals to catch it and few look for it), conduct disorder, anything? If you knew his birthparent's history, you know he can inherit from them too. You did not mention drugs. Does he use drugs? Drink too much? Although we are a great pair of strong shoulders to help you with, we need to know more about HOW to help you. One size does not necessarily fit all and you haven't told us much about your son. I adopted four kids. One was six when we adopted him. He is doing GREAT financially and with his married-into-it family (I think), but he walked out of our lives completely and I havden't seen him for five years. It about killed me. A psychologist I saw who only does work with adoptive families is positive our son had some form of attachment disorder...and I think so too now that I understand it and look back at how he alwaysj pushed away my mothering, wanted to do it himself, and never wanted to be at home. He spent his formative first three years somewhere else...makes sense that he didn't bond with our family like a child who came as an infant would have. But the hard part was how I loved him as if I'd given birth to him and it didn't matter to him. He still coldly walked away. I do not know if your son struggles with this, but if his foster home did not meet his needs, it would make sense that he has some of the same issues. Behavior problems, sometimes severe, are almost always the rule with children who are adopted at an older age. Our family is just darn lucky that our boy that we adopted at age two was not already attachment damaged, however he was in a marvelous, loving foster home and that made all the difference. Our son we adopted at six lived in an orphanage, which is akin to a neglectful foster home. He got the physical care, but he didn't get the love... I hope you feel free to share, but if you don't feel safe yet, then read some other moms and our advice. In the end, it comes down to...we deserve to have good lives even if our children choose not to. And sometimes we just plain need space to detach. Yes, even from our own children, if they make us mentally or physically ill or are too difficult to live with. If it makes you feel better, the little you wrote makes him sound better than many older adoptees. Did he ever pee or poop in inappropriate places or smear his feces? Did he have a fascination with fire or start fires? Any time you caught him being cruel to animals of any kind? Ever try to seriously hurt another child, like do a choke on them? Basically, the honest truth is, you can not adopt an older child and expect him to be the same as a child who you've had since infancy. I've been in an active adoptive parent group for over twenty years and it just very seldom happens that they do as well as their peers, especially if they were drug exposed in utero or in a horrible situation early in life. The mind may forget, but it's all there in their subconscious and it affects their ability to live a normal life. His foster family may even sexually abused him. One social worker told me over 90% of the kids in foster care were sexually abused, although some block it out. This was her talking, not me, so I don't know if she is exaggerating or not, but so many older adopted kids sexually act out on other kids that I really don't doubt her, although there is no proof she is right. Kids adopted in infancy do better, although they also do better if they weren't drug exposed in utero. My non-drug exposed adopted children are doing great, although one had a rough time as a teen...she was able to triumph over it. I tell everyone who asks that if they want to adopt, adopt a child as close to birth as you can. Hugs and wishing you a peaceful, serene night. [/QUOTE]
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