difficult child 2 used one of our credit cards on-line to purchase points for an on-line game 8 times in the past 2 weeks. I just discovered it last night. Fortunately it was small amounts and totaled less than $100 but we are strapped right now and don't have that $100 and he knew it.
He lied to me about it yesterday morning when I first discovered the transactions on our credit card. So I reported them as fraudulent charges given that it was a European company and small amounts. I've had that happen before when the info was stolen from the legit company. I didn't have time to do a more thorough investigation at that time.
Last night I looked at the game website and pulled up the billing records. There were none including no credit card info. Next I went looking for a way to contact them and tell them our info had been stolen. Found the info that they sent e-mails to confirm all transactions. I'm not sure why I did it but I insisted my son open his e-mail account so I could see if there were any confirming e-mails.
There weren't any in the inbox. So I checked the junk mail folder. Nothing. Then I checked the trash can. And there were half a dozen e-mails confirming his purchases. I went back to the website and checked his points use and that also showed that he had used a lot of points that had to have been purchased.
He was in the room with me while I was doing all this and when I found the e-mails in his trash can I asked him why he had deleted them just to see what he would say. He said he just deleted them without looking at them because he thought it was advertising.
At that point I told him that it was clear he had been stealing from us using the credit card and I was calling the credit card company to withdraw my complaint about the charges. I stayed very calm which I don't think he expected. He whined that he had only done it because we had taken his X-box away. I just looked at him. He blew up and started screaming about how this was our fault and using a lot of foul language. I told him he needed to go to his room. He came over and spit on me where I was sitting at the computer and started screaming again. I continued to just sit there and say nothing for a minute then I got up and silently left the room.
He followed me down the hall so he could fight me if I tried to go into his room. Just past the door to his room I stopped and turned around. I looked at him and said " You have crossed a line there is no going back from. You have stolen from us and we cannot trust you." then I turned and went into my room just a couple steps away.
He tried to force his way into the room but I shut it in his face and turned the dead bolt.
He then went and took the modem and router for our computer and left the house in a rage. wife and I went outside and calmly told him he had to give us the computer equipment but he ran off. He was in t-shirt, shorts and no shoes and it was about 45 outside so we knew he'd be back soon.
Maybe 15 minutes after he took off I went outside to make sure our car was locked up so he couldn't hide in there- something he's done in the past when he took off. I found the computer equipment on the ground nearby, undamaged.
Another 20 minutes or so later he came slamming back in the house and started taking supplies to his room - fruit, water bottles, crackers, peanut butter. I asked him a couple times what he was doing and he refused to say anything to me.
After 3 or 4 trips like that he slammed the door to his room and started making noise like he was moving furniture around. He had shoved his bed in front of the door blocking it from being opened. When I knocked on his door a while later he told me to f&*^ off over and over.
I know those of you who have had this experience will not be surprised to hear that I am so sad I can hardly express it. Now we have to take steps I had hoped to avoid and take a path with him I had prayed we would not have to walk. The fact that he did it several times, lied about it and attempted to cover it up makes it very clear that he knew that it was wrong and he did it anyway.
So I am checking all our other accounts. Changing passwords. I already blocked that company with the one credit card he used with them and requested a new card. I have to figure out exactly how I am going to find a way to lock up all our financial records so he can't get them without using a crow bar but I am going to do that today if I can. Lock up my purse from now on. And until then I won't leave him alone in the house.
I am stripping him of internet access on his own user and don't expect to give him any computer time except as needed for school for a very long time. I am closing his Xbox live account because I'm not sure I will ever agree for him to get it back.
When I can get him out of the house we are going to take his door off the hinges and I am going to strip his room of everything except his bed and clothes.
I expect to need to call the police when he discovers that I have taken these steps because I know he will flip into a total rage when he discovers that we have done this so I am trying to figure out how I can lock up my computer monitor and other easily broken parts beforehand.
Because he believes we have victimized him for taking away his X-box as a consequence for his aggressive and abusive behavior he decided to victimize us in return.
And to make things worse, wife made this easy for him to do. Without telling me she bought him points for this game online 2 weeks ago. AFTER we had agreed we were not buying him any games or letting him have computer time for games on days he didn't go to a full school day. I am so angry with her I can hardly speak. She used HIS account name and HIS password and then left the credit card information on the account so it was easy for him to just buy more points without our knowledge.
She just cannot stand confrontation and so she buys him off to avoid conflict. I am trying to decide what to do about that but this morning when we finally had a chance to speak privately I told her I was locking everything up and that we could no longer trust him at all. I told her I wanted her to take the door of his room. I also told her I was upset that she had bought him points after we had agreed we would not buy him that kind of stuff. She said it was a long time ago and I said, NO, you bought him the points less than 2 weeks ago.
She just stood there for a minute and then said she was sorry. I told her that we could not let him victimize us financially. That this time is was only a small amount. But next time it might be enough to destroy us - if we let that happen.
She said she knew that and then left for work.
I am thinking of insisting that she attend Co-dependents anonymous meetings or something. We just started family therapy last week with our daughter. difficult child 2 refused to attend. Now one of us will have to stay home with him rather than go to therapy.
And I guess we will need to put a deadbolt on our daughter's door so she can protect her stuff from him too.
I'm trying to decide if I am going to tell his godmother that she can't leave her purse out when she's here.
Underneath it all I feel like this is our fault because we have not been consistent with him about consequences for inappropriate behavior and because, as parents, we have not presented a united front. I feel like I should have anticipated this behavior and locked everything up long ago.
If I could I would throw him out of our house right now. We have been down this road already once with a kid who we could not kick out until he was 18 because his physical disabilities were so severe we would have been accused of child abuse.
I realize this may be an "over-reaction" to what might seem a small error in judgment on his part. I want to believe that he will shift out of the victim mentality and start to connect his behavior with the consequences of that behavior thanks to this incident. I want to believe that we are not now entering a nightmare that is going to last 2 or 3 years until he's 18 and we can legally kick him out.
But I don't believe it. And I am devastated.
Patricia
He lied to me about it yesterday morning when I first discovered the transactions on our credit card. So I reported them as fraudulent charges given that it was a European company and small amounts. I've had that happen before when the info was stolen from the legit company. I didn't have time to do a more thorough investigation at that time.
Last night I looked at the game website and pulled up the billing records. There were none including no credit card info. Next I went looking for a way to contact them and tell them our info had been stolen. Found the info that they sent e-mails to confirm all transactions. I'm not sure why I did it but I insisted my son open his e-mail account so I could see if there were any confirming e-mails.
There weren't any in the inbox. So I checked the junk mail folder. Nothing. Then I checked the trash can. And there were half a dozen e-mails confirming his purchases. I went back to the website and checked his points use and that also showed that he had used a lot of points that had to have been purchased.
He was in the room with me while I was doing all this and when I found the e-mails in his trash can I asked him why he had deleted them just to see what he would say. He said he just deleted them without looking at them because he thought it was advertising.
At that point I told him that it was clear he had been stealing from us using the credit card and I was calling the credit card company to withdraw my complaint about the charges. I stayed very calm which I don't think he expected. He whined that he had only done it because we had taken his X-box away. I just looked at him. He blew up and started screaming about how this was our fault and using a lot of foul language. I told him he needed to go to his room. He came over and spit on me where I was sitting at the computer and started screaming again. I continued to just sit there and say nothing for a minute then I got up and silently left the room.
He followed me down the hall so he could fight me if I tried to go into his room. Just past the door to his room I stopped and turned around. I looked at him and said " You have crossed a line there is no going back from. You have stolen from us and we cannot trust you." then I turned and went into my room just a couple steps away.
He tried to force his way into the room but I shut it in his face and turned the dead bolt.
He then went and took the modem and router for our computer and left the house in a rage. wife and I went outside and calmly told him he had to give us the computer equipment but he ran off. He was in t-shirt, shorts and no shoes and it was about 45 outside so we knew he'd be back soon.
Maybe 15 minutes after he took off I went outside to make sure our car was locked up so he couldn't hide in there- something he's done in the past when he took off. I found the computer equipment on the ground nearby, undamaged.
Another 20 minutes or so later he came slamming back in the house and started taking supplies to his room - fruit, water bottles, crackers, peanut butter. I asked him a couple times what he was doing and he refused to say anything to me.
After 3 or 4 trips like that he slammed the door to his room and started making noise like he was moving furniture around. He had shoved his bed in front of the door blocking it from being opened. When I knocked on his door a while later he told me to f&*^ off over and over.
I know those of you who have had this experience will not be surprised to hear that I am so sad I can hardly express it. Now we have to take steps I had hoped to avoid and take a path with him I had prayed we would not have to walk. The fact that he did it several times, lied about it and attempted to cover it up makes it very clear that he knew that it was wrong and he did it anyway.
So I am checking all our other accounts. Changing passwords. I already blocked that company with the one credit card he used with them and requested a new card. I have to figure out exactly how I am going to find a way to lock up all our financial records so he can't get them without using a crow bar but I am going to do that today if I can. Lock up my purse from now on. And until then I won't leave him alone in the house.
I am stripping him of internet access on his own user and don't expect to give him any computer time except as needed for school for a very long time. I am closing his Xbox live account because I'm not sure I will ever agree for him to get it back.
When I can get him out of the house we are going to take his door off the hinges and I am going to strip his room of everything except his bed and clothes.
I expect to need to call the police when he discovers that I have taken these steps because I know he will flip into a total rage when he discovers that we have done this so I am trying to figure out how I can lock up my computer monitor and other easily broken parts beforehand.
Because he believes we have victimized him for taking away his X-box as a consequence for his aggressive and abusive behavior he decided to victimize us in return.
And to make things worse, wife made this easy for him to do. Without telling me she bought him points for this game online 2 weeks ago. AFTER we had agreed we were not buying him any games or letting him have computer time for games on days he didn't go to a full school day. I am so angry with her I can hardly speak. She used HIS account name and HIS password and then left the credit card information on the account so it was easy for him to just buy more points without our knowledge.
She just cannot stand confrontation and so she buys him off to avoid conflict. I am trying to decide what to do about that but this morning when we finally had a chance to speak privately I told her I was locking everything up and that we could no longer trust him at all. I told her I wanted her to take the door of his room. I also told her I was upset that she had bought him points after we had agreed we would not buy him that kind of stuff. She said it was a long time ago and I said, NO, you bought him the points less than 2 weeks ago.
She just stood there for a minute and then said she was sorry. I told her that we could not let him victimize us financially. That this time is was only a small amount. But next time it might be enough to destroy us - if we let that happen.
She said she knew that and then left for work.
I am thinking of insisting that she attend Co-dependents anonymous meetings or something. We just started family therapy last week with our daughter. difficult child 2 refused to attend. Now one of us will have to stay home with him rather than go to therapy.
And I guess we will need to put a deadbolt on our daughter's door so she can protect her stuff from him too.
I'm trying to decide if I am going to tell his godmother that she can't leave her purse out when she's here.
Underneath it all I feel like this is our fault because we have not been consistent with him about consequences for inappropriate behavior and because, as parents, we have not presented a united front. I feel like I should have anticipated this behavior and locked everything up long ago.
If I could I would throw him out of our house right now. We have been down this road already once with a kid who we could not kick out until he was 18 because his physical disabilities were so severe we would have been accused of child abuse.
I realize this may be an "over-reaction" to what might seem a small error in judgment on his part. I want to believe that he will shift out of the victim mentality and start to connect his behavior with the consequences of that behavior thanks to this incident. I want to believe that we are not now entering a nightmare that is going to last 2 or 3 years until he's 18 and we can legally kick him out.
But I don't believe it. And I am devastated.
Patricia