Strange Thinking

[susiestar]

I don't understand my husband's thinking. So far lately he is spending 1-3 hours a day on the job hunt. Then napping for 2-4 hours. He claims to be keeping the kitchen clean but there are PILES of dishes.

He has a screaming FIT about the cat box. He has big heavy plastic totes crammed with 3-4 loads of laundry each all lined up from the dryer on out of the laundry room. If we need something from the freezer we can only open it 12 inches, MAX.

So the cat box is very hard to scoop because we cannot get to it. Neither jessie nor I can move the laundry. husband swears thank you can't do it. Any time husband does a load he does about 1/2 a load because it is "too hard" to get clothes into the dryer because of all the baskets in the way.

I helped him map out a plan to take care of it. Did he? No.

What do I need to do to make him realize that until that room is cleared out and kept cleared out the cats won't be able to get to their box and/or the box will be nasty and they will poop on the floor? It seems so clear to me.

What is he thinking? How do I get through to him?

Our money is going to run out soon. Jess and I NEED medical care. I am getting very very very scared.

I do realize that there is depression, but HE won't talk to his doctor - "All that is is a racket to steal your money. You go to the doctor and then have to go pay for tests and then pay for medications and then it is just a waste because the medications don't work anyway." Direct quote. Word for word.

He is on lexapro and won't even talk about a higher dose.

Thanks for letting me vent, and for any ideas to help get through to him or help him see why things are not working.

 

[KTMom91]

You so do not need his attitude on top of everything else you have going on. It sounds to me like he just needs someone to blame for the mess he's got going on, and as long as he can blame things like laundry and cat boxes, he can ignore everything else.

Miss KT's father would behave this way as a lifestyle choice...he sure knew how to complain, but when it came to taking care of the problem? Heaven forbid. I wish I had an answer for you, but the only way I was able to solve that problem was by divorcing him.

Many hugs and lots of strength. Hope you and Jess feel better, and you're able to get some resolution.

 

[gcvmom]

It's a very huge blow to the ego for most guys to admit they have a "mental" problem. Our psychiatrist affirms this and I truly believe it. Our psychiatrist says he usually tries to broach the subject by addressing it in terms of the guy being under too much stress, with too many demands on them. It places the source of the problem externally, rather than being an internally driven issue of coping skills and resiliency.

Perhaps whomever is rx'ing his Lexapro can get a phone call from you, or even an office visit to confidentially talk about husband's symptoms? I did that with my husband. Made an appointment with both our GP and psychiatrist (I'm a patient of theirs as well) to discuss HIM. Although they can't tell him I that I was there to talk about him, my information was helpful in their decisions on how to tailor their questions for him. So maybe when he needs to go in for his next follow-up to get his refill, etc. they'll be prepared to ask him some relevant questions that could lead to a dosage bump.

Maybe others have some added advice to share...

FWIW, my husband has had some problems with his depression since getting laid off, too. It's nowhere near as bad as it was before he started medications, but I still see a little bit of it.

Tonight mine is off to a professional networking club mixer to see if he can connect with some people. We printed up some business cards and several resume copies. He said he's really nervous, and as the time got closer for him to leave, he was getting more agitated and snippy with me. It's the anxiety, I know.

Being unemployed is hard for everyone, but especially hard for the guys who are accustomed to being the financial support for the family.

I don't know how you can help him realize the solution to the problems you're having around the house. Mine can be similarly stubborn and short-sighted, and it's worse when he's depressed. I've just learned to let go of a lot of things, I guess. Not saying that's the healthiest thing to do... Good luck!

 

[witzend]

I wish I had some advice. I don't know how to get him to get treatment for depression if he thinks it's a "racket". I had to drag husband kicking and screaming to a therapist, and then it took 3 years to get him to take medications. Now that we got that far, I don't think he'll ever consider a medications adjustment or anything.

Do what you think is right, and what you are comfortable doing, to get him involved in his own recovery. Only you know how it will help - or not - to push or beg or to ignore...

 

[Star*]

WOW I had to read that twice because I thought at first you said the cat boxes were totes and were cramed full and he would only let you open them 12" max. I kept thinking "THE BRUCE." What about the Bruce?"

(trying to help you with a little humor there because well - there is just nuttin' funny going on in the Susie* house right now)

I battle with DF EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. about his depression. Now if we are talking? It's not HIS DEPRESSION. It's got to be Seasonally afflicted disorder - or like GCV Mom said - "outside" stressers causing him to be stressed that can be helped temporarily with a little assistance.

Makes you want to scream - TAKE A PILL already. But as someone who did NOT want to accept "depression" lables - I digress. I was just really, really sad because of my lifes happenings and did not need medication.

I would fix EVERYTHING in time...just give me time. JUST needed a break. Just a change - one single thing to change, go right, go my way, happen for ME, back off - help out, take care of me for a change instead of me take care of everyone else.

At some point - I think you realize that you are there and you want to fix yourself but you don't. It's like teetering on the brink of pity party and sanity. Could go either way. What if thoughts. I think at some point DF may have even crushed up an extra Zoloft a day to boost my mood.

The thing that helped me the most when I got like that? A forgetting day. A day where I forgot I was a Mom, had bills, had worries- and just did something stupid and fun...and didn't cost much money - or any money - but I got out of the house - into the sun....around people....and did something for someone else besides me. I WAS NEEDED.

When we work - we are NEEDED - daily. When we stop working? We arent needed. When we feel we aren't needed? We feel like we don't exist - and maybe trying to adapt to YOUR world (stay at home mom) which makes YOU feel needed - does NOT make HIM feel very needed at all. I think if he's not going to work-----he should get the Heck out of the house - and go volunteer - somewhere...Maybe it will help him connect with people that NEED Him....Not making money - well - is he making any sitting at home making his family miserable? Nope....
At least if he's out in the world - he's around PEOPLE - and there is a chance someone could see him - maybe discover a talent and you never know - cards get exchanged....and BAM....new job.

You asked for ideas - Short of putting Lexapro in his coffee - I think he needs a call from some organization - that NEEDS HIM....and then you and JESS can GET to the cat box...the fridge.....get the dishes done....and claim the house in the name of the Bruce...or The Susie*

Just throwing this out there.....
Oh and where? Get on Craigslist under volunteer or Part-time jobs - see whats local - meals on wheels - Goodwill - Salvation ARmy - somewhere that needs his mad skillz on web pages or whatver it is he did.....

Some womens shelter that needs a graphics guy - help.....someone always has a philanthropist aunt that works in the background that could recognize his talents.....Know what I mean??

AND helping - could get him out of his funk....he needs to be needed....

 

[Hound dog]

I know it's frustrating as all get out.

((((hugs))))