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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 765071" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Mother 1 and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here and for all of the difficult challenges you have faced. It is heartwrenching to watch helplessly as our wayward adult children spin out of control.</p><p></p><p>This is a lot of stress to live with. I know, because I’ve been right where you are. As mothers, we have learned to sacrifice much to raise our children. When things start to go sideways, we become intensely focused on stopping the craziness. It becomes habitual. When our kids grow to adult age and their bad choices and behaviors behoove us to remove them from our homes, there is this huge void. We start to question ourselves, and even blame ourselves. This process is called FOG, which describes the cycling our hearts and minds go through, and we can get stuck in without help. Fear, Obligation and Guilt, cloud our vision, we tend to put aside the responsibility our wayward kids have for the consequences of their choices, and take it on ourselves. Our wayward adult kids will grab on to our guilt and drive it in deeper. Blame us for their issues. This is a vicious cycle. The only way to stop it is to climb up out of the rabbit hole. One step at a time. We don’t belong there along with them, it does not help them, or us.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You are grieving. This is natural. We love our kids and want the best for them. It is important to process the intense feelings and get help to work through them. Especially when there are younger siblings involved. I didn’t realize how much my youngest were going through while my husband and I were trying to rescue my two wayward kids, my grandchildren. They speak of the dysfunction in our home while growing up. It was not fair for them to live through what they did. I can’t change the past, but I can work to change my responses now. </p><p>The important thing is that you realize your young son needs you. Instead of feeling guilty for your grief, try to work at getting help for yourself and your younger son. This will help take the focus off your wayward son, who has shown with his actions that he will choose as he pleases without regard for you, his brother, or the safety of your home.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I call this catastrophic thought. I would conjure up all kinds of negative possibilities in order to be prepared if they actually happened. The thing is, they didn’t. If your son makes suicidal threats, call the police. You have not pushed him further toward dysfunction, you have set a healthy boundary and followed through. He has to realize the consequences of his choices and want to change. That will not happen in the comfort of your home, he has already proven that to</p><p>you. He refused to follow rules and made you fearful in your own home. Unacceptable. You have taken steps to protect yourself and his brother. These are the truths that will help you out of the FOG. Your home is supposed to be a place of rest, your sanctuary, a place where you can feel safe. For you and your young son. </p><p></p><p>The first huge step is to acknowledge our own reactions and response. Next, is to switch focus on healing ourselves. That drive to fix and rescue is intense. It didn’t happen overnight. When we are pushed to the point of realizing that our adult kids are making choices that are detrimental to themselves and us, and we are forced to step back, then there is no contact, our minds can go to dark places. It is so vital to shine the light on the reality of the situation. Your adult aged son will choose as he does, and you have no control over that. What you do have control over, is getting help for yourself and your young son.</p><p></p><p>This is your child. I am quite sure you did not raise him this way. It is shocking when we really sit down and take a good hard look at what is happening. Our kids grow up and are responsible for the choices they make. Period. I have five adult children. Three are doing well. My two made choices from a young age to experiment with drugs and cycled downward from there. My late husband and I for years had a revolving door in our home, with my two going in and out, always some sort of crisis. We were deep in rescue mode. It took some time to pull up and out of the rabbit hole, to realize that the “help” we were giving by housing them, did not stop them from making the choices they did. Housing them gave them more freedom to “party”. They took full advantage of that. We began to notice money missing, jewelry, there were violent episodes. The list goes on. The most precious thing we lost was time. </p><p>Please stop blaming yourself. You have done the right thing by saying “No More”. Now, the work to be done is on yourself. You have value and worth. You have a life to live and a son to continue raising. Your older son has made choices that endanger your home. You were right to stand your ground.</p><p>One thing that helped me to fill the void in the early days and still today, was to find mentors here on CD, to write frequently and receive help from the kind folks here is tremendous. Also, I would find inspiring quotes and put them on my fridge. When my mind goes towards those intense feelings, I pray.</p><p>The more you work on yourself, the stronger you will become, the more you will realize how stuck in the quicksand of your son’s choices you were. Don’t feel guilty about your past mistakes. Learn and grow from them. Change direction.</p><p>You don’t have to be stuck. </p><p>Wishing you strength and health.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 765071, member: 19522"] Hi Mother 1 and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here and for all of the difficult challenges you have faced. It is heartwrenching to watch helplessly as our wayward adult children spin out of control. This is a lot of stress to live with. I know, because I’ve been right where you are. As mothers, we have learned to sacrifice much to raise our children. When things start to go sideways, we become intensely focused on stopping the craziness. It becomes habitual. When our kids grow to adult age and their bad choices and behaviors behoove us to remove them from our homes, there is this huge void. We start to question ourselves, and even blame ourselves. This process is called FOG, which describes the cycling our hearts and minds go through, and we can get stuck in without help. Fear, Obligation and Guilt, cloud our vision, we tend to put aside the responsibility our wayward kids have for the consequences of their choices, and take it on ourselves. Our wayward adult kids will grab on to our guilt and drive it in deeper. Blame us for their issues. This is a vicious cycle. The only way to stop it is to climb up out of the rabbit hole. One step at a time. We don’t belong there along with them, it does not help them, or us. You are grieving. This is natural. We love our kids and want the best for them. It is important to process the intense feelings and get help to work through them. Especially when there are younger siblings involved. I didn’t realize how much my youngest were going through while my husband and I were trying to rescue my two wayward kids, my grandchildren. They speak of the dysfunction in our home while growing up. It was not fair for them to live through what they did. I can’t change the past, but I can work to change my responses now. The important thing is that you realize your young son needs you. Instead of feeling guilty for your grief, try to work at getting help for yourself and your younger son. This will help take the focus off your wayward son, who has shown with his actions that he will choose as he pleases without regard for you, his brother, or the safety of your home. I call this catastrophic thought. I would conjure up all kinds of negative possibilities in order to be prepared if they actually happened. The thing is, they didn’t. If your son makes suicidal threats, call the police. You have not pushed him further toward dysfunction, you have set a healthy boundary and followed through. He has to realize the consequences of his choices and want to change. That will not happen in the comfort of your home, he has already proven that to you. He refused to follow rules and made you fearful in your own home. Unacceptable. You have taken steps to protect yourself and his brother. These are the truths that will help you out of the FOG. Your home is supposed to be a place of rest, your sanctuary, a place where you can feel safe. For you and your young son. The first huge step is to acknowledge our own reactions and response. Next, is to switch focus on healing ourselves. That drive to fix and rescue is intense. It didn’t happen overnight. When we are pushed to the point of realizing that our adult kids are making choices that are detrimental to themselves and us, and we are forced to step back, then there is no contact, our minds can go to dark places. It is so vital to shine the light on the reality of the situation. Your adult aged son will choose as he does, and you have no control over that. What you do have control over, is getting help for yourself and your young son. This is your child. I am quite sure you did not raise him this way. It is shocking when we really sit down and take a good hard look at what is happening. Our kids grow up and are responsible for the choices they make. Period. I have five adult children. Three are doing well. My two made choices from a young age to experiment with drugs and cycled downward from there. My late husband and I for years had a revolving door in our home, with my two going in and out, always some sort of crisis. We were deep in rescue mode. It took some time to pull up and out of the rabbit hole, to realize that the “help” we were giving by housing them, did not stop them from making the choices they did. Housing them gave them more freedom to “party”. They took full advantage of that. We began to notice money missing, jewelry, there were violent episodes. The list goes on. The most precious thing we lost was time. Please stop blaming yourself. You have done the right thing by saying “No More”. Now, the work to be done is on yourself. You have value and worth. You have a life to live and a son to continue raising. Your older son has made choices that endanger your home. You were right to stand your ground. One thing that helped me to fill the void in the early days and still today, was to find mentors here on CD, to write frequently and receive help from the kind folks here is tremendous. Also, I would find inspiring quotes and put them on my fridge. When my mind goes towards those intense feelings, I pray. The more you work on yourself, the stronger you will become, the more you will realize how stuck in the quicksand of your son’s choices you were. Don’t feel guilty about your past mistakes. Learn and grow from them. Change direction. You don’t have to be stuck. Wishing you strength and health. (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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