Suggestions for difficult child's getting picked on?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Dec 27, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Unfortunately difficult child got a charge today for fighting which will probably push his release date back either 1 month or 3 months. He said the other guy had been intigating trouble for the past couple of days and threw the first punch but still, my son should have let the issue go before it got to the point of anyone throwing a punch. Anyway, he was bouncing back and forth between apologizing to me, being on the verge of tears for probably messing up his release date and wanting to come home, and putting on a bravado of how he can't let anyone "mess with him in there because it only takes once and they thinks he's a ___" (interpretation: "doormat"). He has said several times that other kids "always" give him a hard time and try to start stuff with him because they think he won't do anything about it and he has to show them that he will or it will get worse. I've heard this for several years from him, in various settings. I asked if he was getting a hrad time from a lot of kids at school district last year and he said yes. I asked why he didn't tell me then and he said because it was embarrassing.

    He said he knew he needed to find a better way to deal with it but he didn't know any other way and again, he had to deal with it somehow so it wouldn't get worse. I asked if he discussed this with therapist to get ideas. Well, apparently he has one of those tdocs who is so concerned about a person coming up with their own ideas that she doesn't give him any. You know they type- any question you asked them gets a "what do you think" response and then she either approves or disapproves when he tells her how he handled a certain situation. So she's no help in actually teaching him better ways.

    Soooo....I was wondering if we could cumulatively come up with a list of ideas that I could write difficult child. I'm sure some things work better than others in different settings, age groups, etc., but I was curious about this anyway because I struggled this as a young person, too. Oh, by the way, difficult child does look a little geekish and doesn't exhibit confidence except when he's in a phoney boasting mode. It's not like he has a geeky haircut or huge ears or anything- he just looks like a sweet computer geek- which is fine to a parent but I guess it isn't very cool in his world- even at a mainstream school. I keep trying to tell him if he'll just stay out of trouble so he's around the college-bound kids or others who aren't a "rough" crowd, he would fit in better. He says he doesn't fit in with them either. (Personally, I think that's because of the trouble he's been in, the psychiatric hospital stuff, and the lack of confidence in himself.) I can't send him a book to help because he's in Department of Juvenile Justice.

    Here are the ideas I can think of:

    1) Show respect for yourself- don't walk around looking down, keep yourself clean and kept up, and don't put yourself down, for instance

    2) Show real confidence instead of boasting about being tough- (what would be good, specific suggestions for how to do this?)

    Please add your own ideas!
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2009
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K....he is in a bad position where he is. Showing any fear or signs of being weak will leave him as bait. Cory has had to throw a punch or two in jail. In the last place he was, there were stairs, and he stood at the top of them and told them first one who wants to mess with me I will kick you straight back down. I may have bad back but my feet work just fine! LOL.

    Yeah, its not the most ideal way of handling ones problems but when a person is surrounded by hoodlums, talking nicely around cups of tea just doesnt work.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    I don't have any suggestions but I wanted to say how sorry I am that this happened. I sure hope his release is only just delayed one month. He was defending himself, that has to be taken into consideration. Sending vibes of support and love, ML
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't really blame him for defending himself- I told him I understood that he couldn't let guys in there start something and him not address it. I just think he could have deeterred it earlier, before it got physical. The repercussions will depend on if staff write it up as a "major" charge or a "minor" charge. He hopes to find that out today. If it's a minor charge, he can either accept it as is and get pushed back 1 month or appeal it to try to get it dropped (leaving an early discharge) but that risks getting it changed to a major charge. He'll have to decide. They have film from security cameras and staff will review them - hopefully they will show clearly that the other guy threw the first punch.

    I was asking about suggestions though because difficult child has trouble not appearing like a "geek" and so forth even in the real world. I'm sure that contributes to his anxiety and agitation and ultimate "exploding". These are the very things his therapist should be helping him with, but isn't. Maybe his mentor can..... SIGH.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    He's gotten along well for a long time. Perhaps his nerves are getting shot from all the "ifs" about his release. on the other hand I understand that sometimes kids deliberately start fights with those who are nearing the goal of going home due to jealousy or just downright meanness.

    Are they supervised closely enough that an adult would likely come to the resue quickly? If so perhaps he could adopt a mantra "I will not fight with anyone as I am near release". If he repeats it in his head it may help him make the decision to stay out of it and pray an adult comes quickly to his aid if he is attacked.

    It must be terribly stressful. Good luck. DDD