S
Signorina
Guest
Sundays are hard. When I don't hear from difficult child during the werk, i always think he'll be in touch on Sunday. He wasnt, and i stayed up just in case he texted. By the time it was obvious that he wouldn't I was so awake & wound up that i couldnt sleep. At 2am surfing the web, I found an excerpt from a book on "Parents who Hurt" that hit close to home. Sleepless & weepy -I rewrote it to fit my situation:
I worry about difficult child all of the time and cant stop wondering what I did to make my own child cut me out of his life completely? I'm sure I made my fair share of mistakes, but my intentions were always good.
He was always so needy of positive attention. Even as a toddler, he was often hard to please but he blossomed with positive attention so we doled it out when it was earned. We put our kids first-we indulged him, provided attention, welcomed his friends,volunteered in his classrooms, coached or team parented, jumped when he needed us including therapy and emergency doctor visits for stupid or ignored injuries. Obviously none of it made him happy or connected to us. And of course, he isn't grateful for any of it. I can't even begin to explain how HARD I worked at being the mother he seemed to demand. Why wasn't it enough for him? How can he hate me so much?
I know that easy child 1 & 2 resent that he sucked all of the time, energy, and money out of the family - the resources that should have gone to them. Even now, I am never 100% present with H or them because my mind is so burdened with worry and hurt. It's really heartbreaking, I am 100% heartbroken! I feel like failed as his mother. How else to explain his ease with detaching from me so easily? He left and he hasn't looked back. I just can't wrap my head around it. I don't know how to come to terms with the way our family has been fractured.
Me-44 happily married to husband since 1990
husband-48, great dad, good man, tries really hard
difficult child son 19 abusing substances, no diagnosis of Mental Illness or addiction-yet. Away at school without our blessing or financial support. Left home rather than get help.
easy child son 17
easy child son 14
I worry about difficult child all of the time and cant stop wondering what I did to make my own child cut me out of his life completely? I'm sure I made my fair share of mistakes, but my intentions were always good.
He was always so needy of positive attention. Even as a toddler, he was often hard to please but he blossomed with positive attention so we doled it out when it was earned. We put our kids first-we indulged him, provided attention, welcomed his friends,volunteered in his classrooms, coached or team parented, jumped when he needed us including therapy and emergency doctor visits for stupid or ignored injuries. Obviously none of it made him happy or connected to us. And of course, he isn't grateful for any of it. I can't even begin to explain how HARD I worked at being the mother he seemed to demand. Why wasn't it enough for him? How can he hate me so much?
I know that easy child 1 & 2 resent that he sucked all of the time, energy, and money out of the family - the resources that should have gone to them. Even now, I am never 100% present with H or them because my mind is so burdened with worry and hurt. It's really heartbreaking, I am 100% heartbroken! I feel like failed as his mother. How else to explain his ease with detaching from me so easily? He left and he hasn't looked back. I just can't wrap my head around it. I don't know how to come to terms with the way our family has been fractured.
Me-44 happily married to husband since 1990
husband-48, great dad, good man, tries really hard
difficult child son 19 abusing substances, no diagnosis of Mental Illness or addiction-yet. Away at school without our blessing or financial support. Left home rather than get help.
easy child son 17
easy child son 14
'Each day I wake feeling an urgent need to do something, and then I realize there's nothing I can do. The emptiness just has to be.'
*Norma Bourland
*Norma Bourland
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