Support or Advice, I just need help. PLEASE!!

[LoonyAlana]

All I can offer is support, and hope that my 5 year old son doesn't follow in your son's footsteps. Sadly, already there were more correlations than I would have liked. We are facing hospitalization for our son as well, so I totally understand your reluctance to sign him away. At least in regard to my own child, even at just 5, I am quickly understanding that despite my love, my desire to help, my attempts in trying anything and everything I can afford to... it's not working. What I am doing is not working, and is not fixing him. I'm sure guilt, pride, and any number of things and emotions contributed to me not wanting to accept that my home might not be the place he needs it to be in order to get what he needs to become a functioning adult. So, long story short (too late), I agree with what many have said- It's NOT your fault. It's NOT. As no matter how much you love him, how much you've tried, he might need to be somewhere else. One thing I would ask yourself, if this was someone else telling you about their child, or even in regard to your younger son- what is that straw that breaks the camel's back? Could that 'straw' already have happened and you are fighting the next step that's been lined up? Hopefully I'm making sense here... but basically, I know you feel like you'd be abandoning him, and putting him in a worse situation, but what about your younger son as well? How much does he have to go through before it's 'too much' and you have two troubled children on your hands? (Maybe he'd never had that issue, I'm just trying to give you different ways of thinking about it.)

But, take everything I say with a grain of salt. Though I have a 14 year old as well, he's child's play compared to your stories. I'm not an expert, and I'm only trying to support you by giving you different ways of looking at the situation, and trying to evaluate it from the perspective of your other child's needs. I hope I'm not coming off in a negative way, that's not my intention at all.

 

[jugey]

Amen Childofmine!!! Super smart!

 

[Sabine]

In trying to make my post brief, I may have made it too brief

As per Nancy:

In closing I feel should disclose that with Angel the poop smearing was tied into some severe medical issues - hypothyroidism, food sensitivities and medications were causing cronic constipation...

Hypothyroidism is rampant in our country. My recommendation for using iodized salt and kelp are to help with the thyroid (and is not going to hurt if thyroid isn't an issue).

Food sensitivities come in many forms.. the most common are wheat, corn, dairy, soy, peanuts, eggs, and tree nuts. Since time is of the essence (and it is, for everyone's sake), it is much quicker to just dump EVERYTHING and start from scratch.

Do I think this teen's problems are only related to food? Absolutely not. I agree with everyone else that it probably IS due to Attachment disorder, etc.

BUT.. even if there is only a 1% chance that a change in diet would help this young man to turn into something other than a sociopath.. he (and the rest of society) deserves the try.

After all, you have been trying for 12 years... one "last ditch, all-out effort" that would allow you to feel that you truly DID do your best will help to give you closure in the relationship.

If it doesn't work, you can then step back from the relationship with a clear conscience, knowing you did everything in your power (and MORE).. and that this child was simply not help-able.

A parent's job description (begins and ENDS with):

1. Love the child
2. Shelter the child
3. Clothe the child
4. Provide Medical and psychological care
5. Provide a good example
6. FEED the child

As far as I can tell, all the jobs have been accomplished (and then some). The only thing left to do is try the restricted diet (and if there are medications that he hasn't tried, now's as good a time as any).

A parent's responsibilities do NOT include:

Allowing themselves or others to be endangered physically, mentally, or emotionally.

Give the boy 1 more month, if he doesn't turn around, it's time to cut your losses and give the 10 year old his due. The 10 year old has already lost so many years, don't make him lose two more.

Hope this helps.

 

[helpangel]

So many parents have given you good advise, I was comforted to know I wasn't the only parent determined to find the solution that I researched until felt my eyeballs were gonna fall out. Before these girls I was out to fix everything; silly me thought I could change people to make them more user friendly to myself. It took a lot of growing for me to be able to accept people the way they were without trying to change them.

I sincerely hope your son just has bipolar or Asperger's that is being driven off the deep end by food sensitivities and teenage hormones, rather then Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Without a crystal ball who knows? Over the years I've heard some really crazy things like 7yo diagnosis with schizophrenia on psychiatric medications that years later he is medication free on the honor roll and working full time as he never really had schizophrenia he had a milk allergy. Last week his mother and I were sitting in a coffee shop laughing while comparing the scars her kid had put on both our arms biting us. We weren't laughing because thought the scars funny we were hysterical with delight that her kid is still alive and doing so well, 10 years ago we would not have thought this possible.

Even with Angel though not full functioning I never would have imagined the wonderful woman she has grown into, 10 years ago my guess would have been at 19yo she would be sitting in a prison cell for killing me. If you saw her getting up at 6am to go with me on a TNR project and the loving way she handles freeked out feral cats, I'm proud of her she has grown into a gentle soul.

I still say the main focus needs to be on safety and keeping you all alive, when Angel was as severe as what you described in your posts I believe the only way we made it thru was my son worked afternoons and when got home from work would stay up all night playing video games; he wouldn't go to bed until I got up or the girls headed off to school so he was like a night watchman.

I know it sounds a bit much expecting one family member to stay up when the rest are sleeping, but whenever my son & I slept at the same time we regretted it afterward. Maybe a motion alarm on the doorway to his room if sleeping in shifts isn't an option/ though in an apartment setting it would anger the neighbors. I keep racking my brain trying to think of an alternative to out of home placement; will let you know if I can come up with any other ideas on how to monitor him 24/7 in the home without hiring a night nurse or aide.

Nancy

 

[TiredSoul]

Just read the entire thread and am jumping in to see how you are doing? Keep us posted and take good care of yourself.